Saturday, January 29, 2005

The Talk

I was a busy bee today around the house. I washed three loads of laundry, folded 3 loads of laundry, cleaned the cupboards, put contact paper in them, reorganized them, went to the hardware store, and the grocery store. While all this was happening a work crisis happened.

Pittsburgh calls with problems reaching quota then calls again with server problems. Then Houston calls with problems with servers. So I scramble around trying to figure out how to contact IT on a Saturday. Finally I tracked down my supervisor who was slightly helpful. I got it up and running and IT contacted within the hour. My boss then emailed me giving me props which felt nice. But didn't change the fact that I spent two hours working on my weekend. I guess brownie points are always good.

On the weekends I usually cook elaborate meals for Mr. M and I. It's somethingI enjoy doing but never have time during the work week. Today's meal was lasagna per Mr. M's request. I also decided to make a pineapple upside down cake that I saw on the food channel. Tonight's lasagna was especially tasty since I used balsamic vinegar and kalamata olives chopped finely. The pineapple upsidedown cake was a HUGE success and tasted amazing (even though I don't like pineapples).

We had dinner with home made garlic cheese bread and it was very pleasant. Then shared a slice of cake (since we're watching our waistlines these days). After which I decided it was time for the talk... the one I've been dreading all week. The one about my anger earlier in the week and my need for a statement of commitment. Also the one where I aske about our sex life and why it has come to a complete stop (I think was sensing my angst this morning because he initiated and put out YIPEEE I got laid!).

He pouted like a five year old "oooooh man I don't wannnaaaa have THE talk". He scrunched up his face and when into pouting body language. I said it was necessary and I needed some things to be aired out for fear that my anger would suck the life out of me.

He of course had no idea I was angry whatsoever. So, I did a good job hiding it at least. He soothed many of my fears and really did a pretty good job and letting me know how he felt. Most importantly when I said to him, "is our marriage door still open in your mind, or do you see me as someone you could never marry." He replied, "why would I have you living with me and sleeping in my bed if I didn't think I might marry you someday."

Ok OK, not quite the answer I was looking for but at least I know it is something that he thinks about as a possibility in our future. Which is all I wanted clarified. There is just no way I'm going to sit around in a relationship with someone who never wants to marry or have children. These are things that are high on my priority list and if you can't do them with me, then I gotta go. Fortunately all of his thoughts and feelings on the subject were positive and seemed like my doors are all still open on his front.

sigh... I sure can work myself into a mess.

but, the love is there, and that's what is important. We love so many of the same things and truly enjoy eachothers company. When stuff happens in my life he's the first one I want to know about it. And from the look of my phone bill it's the same for him.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Runaway in Hudson, WI

I did end up running away last night after work. I got into the car and took a deep breath. Did I want to go home? Did I want to yell and scream and pound my fists? No... I didn't.

I made the phone call I was dreading for fear I would say something I would regret later. I promised myself it would be short and sweet, "I'm going to nene's, I'll call you later." It didn't work that way of course. He put on the charm. Telling me about his day, asking me about mine, joking, saying "I love you, have fun, be careful, call me on your way home."

So, I took 494East instead of West... and ended up at my friend Nene's bedside at about 5:50.

Nene is quite the character. She got the name Nene (pronounced NAENAE) because as a child I had this uber-daycare lady and her name was Renee. She was this round lovely lady whom I still keep in contact with today and love her dearly. She was firm but loving and always had sugar cereal! Everymorning that it was a day care day, my mom/dad would come to our little beds and say, "wake up sunshine." To which we would SPRING awake and yell "YAY, its NENE DAY!!!". We couldn't say Renee, so forever she was known as Nene. When I met my friend Renee in college it was too hard to fight the urge, and she allowed me to call her Nene. Of course, I'm the only one allowed to use this nickname for her, many have tried all have failed. Mr. M even called her Nene once... I say once because he was quickly responded to with a "It's RENEE." HA! From that day forward he always says, "RENEEEEEE" in a whiny voice cause he's jealous that he can't call her Nene.
--end tagent.

Nene works nights at a major Window and Door manufacturer on the factory line. She's about 130 pounds and manages to stick with the big boys hauling glass. This is a strange job for her since I met her in college and she sang next to me in the Alto section. She also was studying vocal performance with dreams of singing at the Met. I refer to her life right now as "the hiatus". I know she'll come back to her roots.

So I woke her up at almost 6 oclock to go have dinner or breakfast in her case. We went to this lovely little wine bar called "The Nova" in Hudson, WI where she lives. There are places in this world that are warm and those that are cold, this place is warm like fresh baked bread and footsy pajamas on a snow day. It has big fat cushy leather couches and chairs sitting in front of a fireplace. There are tables with little tiffany lamps glowing on each one. The tables have cherry wood chairs that look like thrones. A small baby grand piano sits in one corner and the restaurant smells of a wood burning stove. Its a lovely place.

We order a bottle of white wine (we're usually red wine drinkers so this is out of the norm). But it is a lovely new zealand wine called Nobilo. Crisp and fresh tasting with a a hint of grapefruit. We order a cheese plate and a chicken pesto and pine nut pizza.

Once we get our wine I hold my glass up for cheers, she clinks her glass and I say, "to break ups". She whips her hand back, "ooooh no I'm not toasting to that, I rescind my toast!" She says, "come on lady, spill it."

I unroll the whole story, the distance, the awful talks of marriage, the angry snips we say to each other knowing full well it's the perfect insult. Nene listens contently rolling her wine in her glass and sipping from time to time. Until I finally conclude with, "so I think I should just leave him and spare myself the drawn out bullshit."

She thinks, eats a piece of cheese, takes a sip of wine and says, "oh no you won't." She goes on to explain to me that she knows in her soul that Mr. M is the one for me. She has never said this about any other suitors of mine. She has mostly hated everyone else I've brought around. But, for some reason she took a liking to Mr. M from the get go. I tell he doesn't want to marry me, EVER! She says smuggly, "yes he does."

After one bottle of wine, a full stomach, and some encouraging words from Nene I got a call from Mr. M "I'm staaaaarving, and all we have is boxed chili!" Which isn't true, but he does this to be funny. I rattle off a list of things he could eat as he dismisses all of them (which is another game he likes to play). Then I offer to pick him up some Wendy's (his favorite cheeseburger, who knows). He says yes, that would be delish. On my home he called 2 more times, no I don't want wendy's, yes I do, and finally no forget the wendy's.

I walk in the door and he's on the couch, tie and shirt buttons undone. I lay on top of him, and for once he doesn't fake like he's suffocating. He lets me just lay on his chest and listen to his breathing. I kiss him on the cheek and say goodnight, to which he responds "It's only 9:30!!" I'm an early sleeper what can I say. I go up to bed and fall asleep.

He cuddles in a few hours later, gives me a peck and an I love you gnight.

I'm still angry, there's just never a good time to bring this kind of thing up. If I were to bring it up, I'm not sure where I'd even begin, or what I'd even be asking him to do.

Thursday, January 27, 2005


I am absolutely furious today.

I know what the things are that lead up to my anger, but I'm surprised at just how angry I am.

In college I was FILLED with anger. I usually turned it into sarcasm or judgemental behavior. It wasn't until I made a conscious decision to let it go that I realized just how angry I really was. I was angry at the skinny girls for puking in the bathrooms. I was angry at men for placing women in roles they hadn't chosen. I was angry at the girls for accepting their roles without questioning them. I was angry at my parents for acting like children and getting divorced after a 25 year marriage. I was angry at my parents moreso for putting my sister who was in highschool through this divorce and not just waiting another year for her to be out of the house. I was angry at myself for not achieving my fullest potential. I was REALLY angry at myself for gaining a freshman 40 (yea, not 15) and not being physically what I used to be.

So, I let that anger go, and it was like an elephant had moved on after gently leaning on my back for 4 years. I found happiness and naturally my freshman 40 dropped off. I never did make it back to age 18 weight.. but who does!?!

Today, I feel all that anger and more.

Last night Mr. M finally came out with what was up with him the last few days. I refused to conjure it out of him, and hoped that he'd come to it on his own. I felt like a bad girlfriend for not reaching out to him and saying, "what's wrong". But, I'd had enough, I figured if it was the end of the relationship... FINE!

He calls on his way home from work saying that he couldnt' sleep a wink last night "oh, really? that's too bad." He then says, he has a lot on his mind. Work, the TV show, adding a new game to the floor at work, training for that game, and the tournaments coming up. To which I responded, "oh, I was wondering when you were gonna come out with it."

So, that was a relief, but the night went on and I got angry.

He says that he found this research newspaper article about divorce. They found that of the people who lived together before they were married, 75% of them ended up getting divorced. He said, "I was gonna email it to you, but I knew you would take it the wrong way and freak out."

EXCUSE ME! But how the hell should I react to something like that. Not only do you remind me on a daily basis that I'm not up to par enough to marry but then you go on to tell me that if we DID get married, it would just end in divorce anyway. So, I guess I should just give up now eh? Is that what he's trying to say?! Well, excuse me, but FUCK OFF!

That kind of conversation continued through the night, at the gym, at dinner, in front of the tv, and on into bed. He climbs into bed and wraps his arms and legs around me to stay warm, snuggling close. All I whisper before I sleep is, "I'm breaking up with you." To which he replies, "that's nice dear, now go to sleep."

GAH! I'm furious. He totally patronizes me when I'm seriously angry and concerned. He backs me into these corners where I have to show all my cards to make my point. I don't even WANT to get married right now, but I take this as such a slap in the face I start to press as if I do. I press on him about marriage... and I don't even want to marry him right now. WHY do I do this?

As I was driving to work this morning, I actually almost kept driving. I want to leave... just leave everything and everyone. Pack my car with the bare essentials, sell my stuff, quit my job, and go. Away away away. Away from this man who apparently thinks I'm not the marrying type.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Sing It Sista

Throughout my life I have waivered between accepting my true talents and denying them. I know most people would say, this is crazy! why would you deny you had a talent?!? Well, I guess you'd have to know my family to understand that one.

My family is the equivalent to the Osmonds. Except, that we are into choral music instead of bellbottoms and floral shirts. I guess I'd have to expand that... not just choral music, but classical, jazz, operatic, orchestral, and pretty much everything else that requires some brain power. (no that wasn't a diss to the pop stars of the world... except that it was).

I could give you the laundry list... and I think I shall:
  • Grandpa plays pretty much anything you put in his hands, has a Doctorate in Divinity and sings Bass.
  • Grandma likes to hum along, but reminds me of the 50's ladies voices in those sweeping lounge songs.
  • Uncle Tim plays EVERYTHING, especially classical guitar and jazz piano very well. He has a masters and is all but finished with his Doctorate in Music Education. He sings Bass (when he has a cold) Baritone (on a normal day) and Tenor (when he's feeling daring).
  • Uncle Paul has a Doctorate in Choral Conducting and is a choral conductor at a well established private college. His choirs have sung everywhere from Kennedy Center to Carnegie Hall. He sings Baritone (if we let him) and Tenor (if we make him).
  • Aunt Suzi plays amazing classical piano and has a Doctorate in Piano Performance. She is currently a professor at the same college as Uncle Paul and teaches piano (naturally). She sings Alto and has perfect pitch. When I say perfect pitch, I mean... literally give me an "A" and she hums an "A".
  • Mom plays everything especially piano and saxaphone back in the day. She is currently writing her thesis to get her Doctorate in Elementary Music Education. She teaches at an elementary school and is currently hating it (she feels under paid and under appreciated, don't you love the way our society treats teachers). Mom sings Alto (if you make her), Tenor (if she's daring) and Soprano (as much as she is allowed to).
  • Sister Sarah plays french horn and piano and is currently working towards an undergrad double major of Marketing and Music. She sings Soprano, but only for family choir sessions.
  • Cousin Meganne plays flute and piano and is currently working toward an undergrad degree in what I think might be Music Therapy but she's struggling between that and vocal performance. Meganne sings Soprano, always... we wouldn't want her anywhere else. She's about 105 pounds and will BLOW YOU AWAY when she opens her mouth.
  • I guess that leaves me then. played clarinet on scholarship my freshman year of college. Transferred schools and lives to start singing in the choir where I eventually graduated from. I also play piano, sax, and a tini tiny bit of violin (we're talkin twinkle twinkle people). I did not however major in Music. I want to make money, and that isn't the way.

So... the laundry list explains a lot of things I'm sure. For much of my life I denied that I knew how to sing or play an instrument. Especially when I moved to MN from ND. It wasn't cool in MN to be in music or the arts... and so I put my head down and followed the crowd. I continued to be in band and piano because my parents threatened to ground me for life.

It wasn't until my senior year that the school was putting on a musical (as they did every year) that I decided it was time. I joined the choir again that year after a ten year hiatus. The only reason I tried out for the musical this year was because I liked what they were doing "Bye Bye Birdie" and I knew the part was for me "Rosie". I got the part... and it was total controversy. OH NO - The popular girl who usually sticks to politics and sports came in and stole the lead role from the usual theater people. I love shocking people

Later when I transferred colleges I decided it was time to sing again. I tried out for the college choir and was accepted into the top choir as an alto. I never doubt these things when they happen but everyone around me always acts so shocked. I don't mean to sound over confident, but I know this is my talent. I sang with them for three years. I also auditioned for the gospel group which I totally LOVED. Cause I got to sing in my stage voice instead of my choral voice. It gave me a chance to be on stage again and belt like a mofo.

After graduating I went into another hibernation from music. Until I met Mr. M. He reminded me why I loved it. I bought a piano at his encouragement. And last night, I started singing again. I joined my college's alumni choir.

My vocal cords were definitely out of shape. But... hopefully it'll be a good thing.

I'm back.

Not Right

I know... second post in a day. But I have some stuff on my mind that I HAVE to get out. I'm spinnin my wheels and it sucks.

Somethin ain't right. It feels off.

Mr. M has been rather distant in the past week. Has remained silent on many car rides and dinners. Has sat at his computer more than usual. Has been in general less forthcoming with his daily stories and agendas. Usually he's the king of the "check-in". I've never asked him to do this, he just naturally has always done it, even when we were just starting to date, I always knew where he was and what he was doing. I found comfort in the fact that he did the "check-in", that he cared about telling me what he was up to and where he was headed. I liked that he felt that I was valuable enough to have this information.

I'm seeing red flags everywhere, but they aren't blantant... they're usually hiding under things, so all I can see is the little red triangle tip peeking out at me saying "helloooo brace yourself dear".

Granted, I am the QUEEN of over reacting. I'm very good at making something out of nothing. I'm also good at sabotaging potentially happy things so that I can say "SEE I KNEW IT WOULD SUCK". This could very well be just that... but I have to air it out in words before I can stand back and decide if its another one of my grand scenes.

I feel like we aren't connecting. I've even given up trying to wrestle it out of him. I just let him sit... and then I go to bed. He usually comes meandering up sometime later, gives me a quick peck and says "ILRIEUVYER" which is I Love you, except grumbled. Then he rolls over and assumes his normal position, leg slung over his body pillow back to me. He then woke up early this morning for work (before me is rare). Gave me another peck and said have a nice day, love you. and he was gone.

The shitty feeling is that I don't know why he went in early. Was there a meeting? Training? some paper work that needed attention? Someone on graveyard that needed to by fired? I ALWAYS have known in the past. Because in the past we've always talked about our days and what was happening tomorrow.

Please tell me I'm over reacting... but if I'm not... god give me strength because this could knock me down harder than I've ever been.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Blow Me

Last night when we drove into the driveway from our outting to the gym, we got stuck in the driveway. Couldn't pull anyfurther in because of the snow.

We got more than a foot here last night. So we left the car right where it was and went to bed.

This morning, we literally had to dig the car out of the driveway.

We shoveled and shoveled.

Pushed and Pushed.

Grunted and panted.

And finally, we got it out.

Then we drove directly to the hardware store to buy a snowblower. Our first purchase together. I guess that's a sign or something, but I didn't see it that way. For chrissake it's just a snowblower. But it's OUR snowblower.hehehe.

So we get home and right out of the car he starts it up, you would have thought we just got a new trainset. He was like a little boy with a new toy.

He blew and blew for quite awhile.

So I picked up the shovel and followed his trail making sure the leftovers got thrown to the side as well.

Finally... the paths were clear.

Our snowblower is in our garage now.

hehehe... OUR.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Open Door

Last night I had dinner with my sister and her boyfriend at one of my FAVE restaurant's here in the Twin Cities, Definitely comes with a high recommendation from me and everyone I've pursuaded to join me. If you're going, have an empenada for an appetizer (don't worry they're small enough to not fill you up). I also recommend having one of the soltados for your meal. ABSOLUTELY amazing. Don't let the "french fries" throw you, you'll see what I mean when you order it.

When I got home from dinner it was around 9:30 and I decided to go and read some in bed before I fell asleep, since Mr. M is still not home.

When I was walking up our narrow stairs I noticed that it was REALLY cold upstairs. When I got to the top of the steps I realized why. The porch door was wide open allowing the frigid Minnesota air in. I had my Dad on the phone already and told him that I was gonna keep him on the phone while I searched the entire house for whomever decided it would be nice to enter my warm little home.

I proceeded into every room with my heartbeat pounding and giant wooden stick ready to strike. We have a 103 year old house so you can imagine that it is already scary all by itself. The basement is the worst, even in the daytime it's somewhere that I enter and exit as quickly as possible.

I made it through the whole house without catching the bandit. THANK GOD! Then I went on to check the valuables. But seeing as the numerous computers we have weren't missing OR my dish full of jewelry I figured it was all good.

I then locked every door in the house, checked them twice, shut off all the lights and went to bed, where I called Mr. M. He says, "I'm sorry you're scared baby, but it was probably just the wind that blew the door open."

Although I would like to believe this it would have taken a mighty strong wind. It's a heavy glass and wood door. But, he may be right since the screen door was still shut.

I had trouble falling asleep, sure that every little sound I heard must be the boogie man who snuck in my door. Once I was asleep though, I was totally out.

I'm not good at this alone thing, especially in a big giant house. He's coming home tonight. :D

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Gmail Invites

Anybody need a gmail invite... I have a couple.

If I don't hear from anybody in a day or two I'll just donate them to an anonymous website distributor.

m'kay? bubye

Monday, January 17, 2005

Only One Toothbrush

Mr. M is in LA or San Diego... either one, he's not here. I've been doing pretty well actually. Keeping myself busy, working out, laundry, cleaning, baking, working... haven't really felt the pang in my heart yet. But, he has been gone barely 24 hours.
It's times like these that remind me that I'd be pretty ok if I didn't have him. He adds joy and love to my life, yes its true, but I would go on without him.
I wrote him a little letter, put it in an envelope and stuck it in his suit pocket when I packed for him. I did this so that he would find it when he suited up today to go out on his first day of meetings/negotiations. Sure enough, around five oclock my time I got a phone call from Mr. M saying thank you for the letter.
The letter wasn't just a "go get 'em" letter. It was a pledge or a commitment if you will. I simply stated that I would take care of him if he took care of me. That I would do anything and everything I could for him if he would return that act of love. j
Strange thing is, I've felt immensely calm and peaceful since I wrote that letter. I'm not worried or nervous at all. I'm content. I know my baby will come back to me and I know we'll live happily ever after. I KNOW this. I've never felt this kind of serenity with any other boyfriend.

Maybe he's the one... who am I' kidding... he IS the one. I just know it.

I can wake up alone, work, come home, workout, eat dinner, clean up, watch some TV, read some of my novel and I'm ok.

The only hard part is... when I go to brush my teeth... and there it is, standing alone with no companion, my toothbrush. Without it's mate.

Never fear little toothbrush, your sweety is coming home soon.

God, I'm a dork.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005


It passed legal.

The show, that Mr. M created... yea, FXSN's legal department said, yes.

He's flying to LA this weekend to hammer out the details.

My boyfriend, the tv producer.

my stomach is tighter than a virgin's hoo haa.

he's not excited... naturally.

He's not gonna get excited until he sees the check for 3.1 million dollars.

well... I don't need a check for me to believe.

As far as I'm concerned... we're clicking up the hill of a roller-coaster. Hold on tight... it's gonna be quite the ride.

god help us

Monday, January 10, 2005

Scared Selfish

Mr. M has the opportunity to do something big with his career. Not in general, I mean right now. He's created a tv show. Yes, a real tv show, yes he wrote it, yes he produced it, yes its finished, yes he's selling it.

Only problem is, that I'm a big selfish brat.

BIG BIG, GIANT GIANT... selfish little brat.

I tried to fake it, I tried to say, "I'm so excited for you baby, this is something you've always wanted, go out and do it.. make me proud!" I tried to act like I was uber-girlfriend supportive.

But, the truth is I'm scared. So scared that thinking about it makes tears well up in my eyes, blurring them so I have to blink a thousand times so that he won't see. Smiling half heartedly trying to show him I'm really happy for his opportunity at money, fame, and a new life.

I'm scared because this career change doesn't just change his life, but it changes mine. It rips my happy routine life to pieces and leaves me holding the scraps. As if my favorite blanky from childhood has just been shredded before my eyes and I'm left kneeling on the floor trying to piece it back together to make it fit.

This new career will take him away from me, not just physically (travelling almost 2 months straight) but emotionally too.

Tonight he called me on it. He said, "if someone asked me what you thought about this I'd tell them you were aprehensive. I'd tell them you were worried about how it was going to affect you."

Sad part is, he's right. I am apprehensive, I am worried about how it's going to affect me/us. I'm worried that six months from now when this show hits the air I'll be telling somebody about my ex-boyfriend the Television Producer instead of sitting across from him at the dinner table.

God, I love him. I love him so much I thought I could tell him go ahead, do it baby, make it happen. But it scares the crap outta me. Scares me that because of this I might be setting myself up for the biggest heartbreak to date.

Scares me to think I might have just given the go-ahead to shred up my very own blanky.

Trials and Tribulations of Employment

I just came from a really bad work environment. Started my new job about two months ago and its like heaven in comparison.

I'll get into the details of the Hell of the other job some other time.

But, today... today I must rant about jobs, and the lack there of.

I can count off the top of my head at least 5 friends/family that can't find jobs right now. All of which have years of experience in their fields and/or degrees.
This pisses me right off.

Big D has 20+ years of experience in computer networking!! I remember when I started college everyone was told computers were where the money was. They couldn't hire 'em fast enough. And now my dear friend Big D is struggling to feed his children and pay his mortgage. Too humble to ask us for money I think. But please Big D, just ask.

Sierra my old boss at "job from hell" got out about three weeks before I did. At the time it was very much like a sinking ship and many people jumped without a life raft in sight. She's been out of work for going on three months now. 5+ years experience as a Marketing Manager. Experience in project design and implementation. Granted, I wouldn't hire her, she has no degree and really me and my co-worker Jeffraaaaay did most of her work. But, we sure did make her look good. Nonetheless you'd figure SOMEONE would hire her being that her resume looks impressive.

BigBro can't find a job either. He's got a degree and some intern experience. Tried to get into the peace corp to no avail, since even THEY are being picky lately. Gotta have the right kind of degree these days, gotta have at least 200+ hours of volunteerism. Can't just... I don't know... WANT TO HELP PEOPLE!!! sheesh.

Ex Co-worker H2 can't get a job. Not that I know if she's trying very hard. Same goes for R1 and H1. Like I said, everybody jumped, only Jeffraaaaay and I had jobs waiting to cushion our fall.

Who's getting those jobs out there?? Who ARE you .. you overqualified, overachieving, underpaid punks! Leave the entry level to the college grads, there's a reason they don't pay anything, its because we dont' have mortgages! So come on employers, loosen up those hiring freezes, re-organize your org charts, give the little people a chance.

More importantly, somebody tell the Shrub to hurry up these four years so we can get our economy back.

end rant.

Saturday, January 08, 2005


For some reason by the time Mr. M came home from work today I was crabby as hell. I hate cleaning, washing clothes, tidying up. I JUST HATE IT.

I will never enjoy these tasks, ever!

Maybe I was crabby because of that. Maybe I feel like I'm not connecting with Mr. M lately. I think I'm overly sensitive to my life being routine especially complacency.

My parents were married for 25 years. That's a long time. They had three children. All I can remember about their interactions where that they were overly necessity driven. By that I mean all conversation was about:
what's for dinner
who cleaned the kitchen
who's gonna clean the bathroom
who's picking up the kid's at soccer, bball, dance, etc
etc etc etc.

We had a routine growing up like most families do I'm sure. Wake up, shower, get dressed, clean your room, make your bed, eat breakfast, go to school/work, come home have a snack do home work make dinner eat dinner wash dishes watch some tv go to sleep. REPEAT

I feel this was the demise of my parent's marriage. I mean, not the WHOLE reason. But definitely a contributing factor. They lost the part of the relationship that makes it work. Communication. Not about the daily tasks. but about love, life, philosophy, passions, needs, wants.
Maybe I'm 25 and naive. Maybe I dont know what makes a marriage/long term relationship work. But the fear is still there. When it starts to get mundane or routine I panic. I make him talk to me.

Now I'm just rambling...

guess I'll go take a bubble bath.


Friday, January 07, 2005

The Traditional Woman

Who is the traditional woman?
Is she the same woman that was vacuuming in her cinched waist dress in the 50's smiling happily.
Is she the same woman burning her bra in the 60's and 70's?
Is she the woman who goes to college to get her prize (husband/ring)?
Is she the woman who packs her tennis shoes to go to work so she can speedwalk at lunch?
Is she the woman who stays at home to raise her children after just starting a promising career?
Is she a feminist?
Does she "stand by her man" like Tammy Wynette says?
Does she go to tupperware and MaryKay parties?
Does she stroll through those endless craft fairs shopping for the perfect "bless this mess" hand painted sign on distressed wood?
Does she enter cooking/baking contests?

I don't know who the traditional woman is anymore. The reason this came up was because I was reading and I stumbled across this quote:

We are in uncharted territory here: for the first time in history, large numbers of women occupy leadership positions and almost half of these new female leaders - unlike male leaders - are childless. Will this affect our goals and values? Will it affect our programmatic agenda? You bet it will. People without children have a much weaker stake in our collective future. As our leadership group tilts toward childlessness, we can expect it to become even harder to pay for our schooling system or for measures that might prevent global warming. America's rampant individualism is about to get a whole lot worse. - Sylvia Ann Hewlett, quoting law professor Mary Ann Glendon in Creating A Life (2003, p. 157, paperback)

don't' get me wrong. I want children, I want to be a mommy, I really do. Finding a man who wants those same things is the struggle. Most men ages 21-40 these days aren't interested in the "lets settle down and have a crop of chilluns" scenario. In fact, if you let on that that is your intention you might be able to see the streak marks on the floor from where they ran away screaming.
My question is this... how are we as women suppose to live in a modern world and live a traditional lifestyle??? The two just don't go together anymore. Men don't want to take care of their women and children anymore. They want toys, and cute twenty-something (or worse teenaged) girls who are interested in "having a good time".
More importantly women don't want to be "taken care of" anymore. We want our own money to solve our own problems and buy that really great Anne Klein pink cashmere blend 3/4 length coat.

I propose that the "modern-traditional woman" is the kind that is educated about her body and the world, has traveled, has lived alone at least once in their lives, wants children/or doesn't, and is willing to have to the strength to allow herself to wash her man's undies (if she so chooses).
The reason I added this last part is because I've struggled with this myself. I have now found a man that I actually WANT to make happy. I WANT to take care of him. This coming from an uber-feminist college student who has turned into a career driven woman. I would love to cook him dinner and have him enjoy it (and I have). BUT, my lifestyle does not allow for both things to coincide. I can't work 8-10 hour days and then have a lovely hot meal on the table. So we adapt to eachother and to our lifestyles.

Who's the traditional woman??? Got me.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Traditional Women

Remind me to post about this topic tonight...

Sweatin to the oldies

I decided last month that I was sick and tired of the way my body looked and felt. My jeans are tight, my bras are huge... I'm just damn sick of it. One day while at work struggling with the waistline of my jeans cutting into my stomach while I sat at my desk I hit rock bottom.

I called Mr. M and said, "that's it, I'm sick of being fat... how bout you".

He said, he was ready to be healthy as well. So we went hunting for the perfect gym that could accomodate both of us. Him, never having been to a gym in his life needed to feel un-intimidated but also have room to learn how to use all of the equipment. I needed there to be a pool (because almost every other machine makes my breasts hurt so bad its not worth it), I also needed there to be a plethora of elyptical machines (the one machine that allows me to get a workout without wearing three sport bras at a time).

I just realized half way through this post that I'm describing myself maybe not so accurately. I'm 150 lbs right now and 5'4''. So, I'm not obese by any means. Just time to get back to comfortable and sexy 125. I always liked 125... it was comfortable, yet curvy.

Last night we went to the gym, my third time, Mr. M's fourth. He's doing really well, pushing himself a bit too hard, though. I did 25 minutes on the elyptical and then some weight training (abs, triceps, back). He did close to 45 minutes total cardio sweatin his balls off.

Hopefully this will make me feel better, make my clothes fit better... and more importantly make me feel sexy again.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

But Everyone TOLD me to!

I've been here before, started at least two other blogs, none of which made it to day two even. There is a reason for that though...


Pure and simple. I felt guilty having a blog knowing that Mr. M had requested that nothing about him ever meet the internet blog scene. Which is ironic since he has a blog of his own. Of course his blog contains only concrete things. Never a feeling crosses those pages. Its always "this is what happened today" or "this is my new project".

Don't get me wrong I love reading his blog. But mine will not be like that. OH NO... not for a worry-wart, ranting, moody-girl like me. I couldn't even if I tried.

So why is try #3 going to be the one that sticks? Because everybody TOLD me to do it!

and by that I mean, I've had several requests from people in my life to start my own blog. Granted none of them will ever know about it (hopefully). One of the regular commenters on Mr. M's blog actually posted a comment saying "for as much as Suzanne gets talked about on this page she should really have a blog of her own". to which I replied... yes, you're right.

So here's to a new beginning.