Thursday, June 29, 2006

Shut Yo Mouth!


I'm thin and attractive - just in case any of you were wondering.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Fine Line

Before I left for a little jaunt to Atlanta to visit Mr.M's parents I was approached by a high level VP at my work.

He popped his head into my cube and said "hey, got a second?"

My mind raced - what the heck could he want to talk to me about?!?

"Sure" I replied as calmly as possible.

Then he turned around and started walking - which means I guess that whatever he wanted to talk to me about is either longer than a seconds worth of conversation or I was in deep shit.

I walked behind him - mind still racing.

I step into his office and he leans in with his voice down and says "have you made your company aware of your intentions?"

I searched my mind as quickly as I could to figure out what he was talking about. Until I came to it - "OH, yes, of course! My boss is actually the one who facilitated me talking with your company."

He responded, "Great, we'll get this started then."

As I walked back to my cube my heard was pounding and I was still racking my brain as to what the hell he was talking about. Get what started? Intentions? Why the secrecy?

So instead of sit and stew on it - I wrote the VP an email. I explained that I had told my boss about my interest in the other side of the company. The client service side of it. THe side that has a higher earning potential and tons more marketability as far as job skills go.

She, being the rock star boss that she is told me to go and talk to a VP at the end of the hall about what the role could offer and what would be the challenges. So I went and met with this VP (which isn't the VP who approached me) and we talked vaguely about the role and basically it was more of an imformation gathering session. I pulled back a bit after that meeting because I was in fear of moving too quickly.

I've become very comfortable (for lack of a better word)in my current job. I come and go as I please, I can have a long lunch every once and a while and no one blinks. I'm encouraged to take plenty of vacations and never work nights and weekends. Moving to a new company and a new position freaks me out because I could be going from something I know is good to something unknown.

I met with the VP about what exactly he was talking about a few days later. He told me there was an immediate opening and would basically like to offer me the job. The Client Service director asked for me by name and the whole team had agreed with the request. I was quite flattered - but told him I was going to tell my boss about this to keep everyone in the loop.

When I told my most amazing boss of all time about it. Her reaction was what I thought it would be. Surprised and sad but excited for me. She also suggested that we do my review immediately so I could have all the information needed to make an informed decision.

My review was definitely not a reason to stay in my current position. The words she wrote were quite flattering but the "grades" I was given were across the bored mediocre. My poor boss prefaced each "grade" with a "Please remember that this is a baseline and everyone, including me was given this grade for everythign." Finally I told her she didn't have to say that anymore because I know it wasn't her choice.

My feeling from the review was that her boss - or upper management as a whole had told all the managers that they weren't permitted to give anyone above a baseline "grade". So HI! My name is Suzanne - I manage multi-million dollar projects that help to make huge product decisions for world wide companies - but I'm just "effective"!

She also handed me my merit raise... 3%. THREE FUCKING PERCENT PEOPLE! DO you know how much that adds to my bi-weekly check?!?! A whopping 4 dollars. I was livid when I left. I couldn't figure out why my boss wanted me to leave for the weekend on that note to make this decision. She knew it wasn't the kind of review/raise that would be impressive. So I had to go on the theory that she was trying to tell me to take the other job.

I didn't have to think too hard on the weekend. I got an email from her that said she wanted me to jot down my current frustrations with the company and bring them to a meeting with her boss at 9AM first thing Monday morning. SO I took some time - and I thought about whether I wanted to be brutally honest or not. Of course - I'm me... I was brutally honest.

I was told during this meeting that I had been approved for a "industry standard" raise - which was 3K more. Bringing my salary to 38,550 but that the accounting department just hadn't given them a date yet for when it would go into effect. My bosses boss - the bitch of the world - told me it was highly confidential and that I couldn't tell anyone about it.

Which puts me in a weird spot - because I can't negotiate salary with the other company based on what they are GOING to pay me I can only negotiate based on what they actually DO pay me.

Regardless - I'm done. I'm done with the bosses boss. As much as I hate leaving my boss and love my comfort level. My mentor at work (girl who made the same transition I'm about to make) told me something very important - comfort=death. She's right - if I stay because I get to come and go as I please, I'm basically allowing myself to stay in a situation where it's "good enough".

Now - I wait. Wait for the official offer from the other company and wait to find out what my salary is going to be for the next year and where my career is headed.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Stepping Out Re-Cap

I sent an email to Mr.M basically including my last post verbatim.

Turns out he's been hashing and re-hashing our fight the other night about being fat.

He's been in his brain trying to figure out why I would decide to think that what he said was a purposeful statement made to hurt me.

His words are "why would I try to hurt the person I love the most in this world?"

He also said, "I thought we were closer than most couples and that we could decipher when the other was joking."

So - there you have it. He's not planning his escape, he's not even thinking about it. On top of that - we're still heading in the same direction I thought we were.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Stepping Out

At first I thought his silence was because of our fight the other night (Thurs).

When Friday rolled around and he was still not speaking to me - I thought his work day must have been uber-stressful.

Yesterday when he wouldn't talk to me I thought the diet was getting him down.

When we didn't have our weekend sex - my eyebrows started to raise a bit.

When he wouldn't speak to me this morning - I'm starting to get it.

Mr. M might taking his leave of our relationship. THat is really a possibility. The night before we fought about the "fat"thing he said he was feeling pressured - like he was on some timeline and not like deciding to get married should be. I told him that I was sorry he was feeling that way but that I couldn't live like this any longer. The only reason I'm still here is because he said "by your birthday". I was done waiting in March. I'm still here only because the man has never lied to me and never not come through on a promise. He gave me his word - and I believe it.

The first few days of our diet Mr.M was on a high. He was talkative and excited. He was rooting me on and motivated. THe last few days he's been anti-social, distant, and silent.

I could ask him a question 2 feet away from him and he will flat out ignore me. LIke he's in another world. I have to ask it 2 - 3 times before he comes back down to earth and realizes his woman is actually talking to him.

Something is happening - definitely. This morning I said to him that what he's doing right now is what I assume he experiences in his relationship with his first love. He told me that she had just stepped out of the relationship emotionally. That it was the worst torture he'd ever experience.

Having a shell of a person next to you in bed is an awful feeling. That person is there - but not really. The being is there but the soul is not.

Yes - I've asked him what's wrong. I've asked him what's up. I've asked him to please bring back the MR.M I know. All I get are grunts and sometimes a yes or no. Kisses are forced, hugs are tense, and touching in general is ridiculously awful.

In my past relationships I would have fought tooth and nail against my partners withdrawal. All of those times it just pushed the person farther away. I'm thinking I need to give MR.M some space. On the hand I want to know that I'll be damned if I let this thing fall to pieces. On the other I feel like the only way to keep him is to let him do this on his own.

MY stomach is in knots. I feel the end is near... or at least a very large detour.

Friday, June 09, 2006

This Will Pinch A Bit

I had a dermatologist appointment today - mostly to figure out what the heck is up with my bumpy, blotchy backs of my arms but also to get a standard mole check. I have lots of moles and when I was little me and my grandma would count them because she said if you had a lot of moles that meant you were going to be rich someday.

SO the little asian lady came in with her white Dr.'s coat on. She looked through her quarter sized microscope at all of the moles I thought were my "possible problem moles".

OF course all the ones I thought had to be problems weren't. She thought they all looked rather lovely - like only a dermatologist could.

Then she was looking at my back and I thought for SURE she was going to zero in on this raised mole I have right at my bra line. She didn't give it a second look but she did focus her attention on a flat little dark mole I have on my left shoulder blade.

She asked if I'd ever seen that one - while yes, I had seen it I haven't given it much thought cause it was smooth and blended in with my somewhat olive skin.

Turns out that is the one she thinks is a high risk mole. She had me on the table pretty quick with the novicaine and removed the little sucker in a few seconds. I've been given strict instructions on "wound care" so that I don't get a little divet in my skin. I'm not too worried about a divet - I've got plenty of those just from living life. If it were on my face - that would be another story - but on my back - eh.

I'll know in 14 business days whether or not it's benign or skin cancer. Maybe I'm benig highly naive but I'm not very concerned. If it was skin cancer - it's already gone and I have a perfect little circle shaped divet to show for it.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Insert Interesting Title Here

We're on day one of week 2 of our weightloss challenge.

I lost 3.5

He lost 5.5

THe first week was tough because we felt hungry a lot.

THe second week is turning out to be tough because we're want to claw eachothers eyeballs out.

We're having some serious crankiness problems and we're ready to kill eachother.

We were talking about the beautiful trees in our neighborhood while going for an after dinner walk. I said that I Liked the tall skinny magestic looking ones. He said he liked the one that we were currently walking under. I said, "So you like the short fat ones." He turned to me and said, "obviously".

There was about 2.5 seconds where I made the decision to take offense to this. I felt the moment creep by. At first I was like - no he's just joking. THen I took it to the next level, "FUCK THAT - why would you even JOKE about that?!?"

So - the next thing we know we're fighting about it for about 20 minutes.

I'm feeling like he thinks I'm fat and keeps trying to remind me. He's offended that I would think he would ever try to hurt my feelings.

Now we're sitting here silently feet away from eachother stewing. Of course I always jump to the "he'll never marry me." and he's over there coming up with who knows what.

I had this part of the diet. The part where you turn into the devil to the people you love. We're exhausted and craving food with substance.

Monday, June 05, 2006

2006 Weight Loss Challenge

Mr. M and I are embarking on a new lifestyle for the next 3 months.

The 2006 Couples Weight Loss Challenge!

We're playing against his friend Homer and Homer's girlfriend.

Combined weight of Mr.M and I - 327 lbs.

Combined weight of HOmer and his girlfriend - 378 lbs.

Whichever couple loses the most percentage of weight wins. The winner gets a free trip to the losers city.

Lucky for us - Homer and his girlfriend live in Las Vegas! YAY!

And we're totally going to win because we called them lastnight and asked what was for dinner, they said they were having Pad Thai. MUUUHAHAHAHA.

I'm eating 22 weightwatcher points a day and they're binging on Pad Thai - SUCKERS!

It's been a rough first week - I've been absolutely starving. HOwever I believe that I will lose about 25 pounds in 3 months at the rate I'm going.

WIsh me luck - and pass the candy bars. mmmmmmm