Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Good Intentions

I've had plenty of things I could have written about in the past week and a half that I just haven't sat down to actually type. So this will be all jumbly but here goes:
My brother got engaged last week Thursday and then we saw them at Easter when we went to Mom's house. The whole experience allowed me to get a clear picture of just how far I've come since I was in my early twenties. Although his fiance is 32 she has the muturity that I exhibited at 21. She's spastic, knee-jerky, a ranter, a know-it-all, loud, vulgar and interrupts people. This is the exact picture of me at 21 - EXACT!

So - I'm trying to be happy for my brother because I totally get that you end up finding someone who is familiar to you for your life partner. Lets face it this chick is so familiar to me and is a near copy of my mother's neurosis all rolled into one. It's just that he doesn't seem happy. He seems uncomfortable and nervous. Like he's afraid of what she'll say next that might embarrass him.

Maybe she was trying to over impress us - which is fine, I get that. So thats what I'm going to just assume from here on out, while at the same time hoping that she mellows with age since she'll be 'joining' our family and I hope will incorporate herself for the long haul. I wish divorce on no one.


Which brings me to my growth in the past months. I've finished reading "Eat Pray Love" and am now on to "A New Earth". I think it is important that I read these two books in that order because the first very much allows you to have a sort of introductory to enlightenment or at least the process one woman took to find it. The second is more hard core about tackling your own enlightenment, which is a task I expect will take me the rest of my life.

I'm experiencing more calm in my day to day life than I was a few months ago. THis could be that I'm just moving away from the post-partum days but I also attribute it to some serious work I've been doing internally. I experienced my first successful meditation the other day too - which if thats how good it can be I'm all about it.

When I was visiting my mom I went to the beauty school down the street that does spa services as well. Everything is significantly cheaper than going to a regular spa since you'll have students performing the services. I got a facial and it was the most relaxed I've felt in months - maybe even years. During the facial I did some meditation with using a repetitive word I learned in "Eat Pray Love". Now I know what the author means when she says she falls asleep while meditating or SOMETHING. Because it truly isn't sleep but it is SOMETHING. It's like experiencing complete stillness. NO thought, no internal words, nothing. Just complete silence in your mind. I dig it... I REALLY dig it.
On the trip home from my mothers we hit some nasty potholes and I got a flat tire and damaged the other two tires. Now I'm dealing with insurance claims and tire stores to try and get it fixed without paying the $1300 I've shelled out. Even though it was a stressful and not fun situation - I'm not freaked about it at all. I'm just thinking whatever happens is fine as long as we're all safe. If the insurance company doesn't pay? Fine.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Valedictorian of Suffering

In this weeks appointment we talked about the difference and the separation between Pain and Suffering. I've always combined the two - you can't have pain withOUT suffering. Stub my toe vis a vie SUFFERING! Get a cold, here we come SUFFERING!

Turns out I have a gold medal in suffering, I'm excellent at the 'ouch ouch OUCH, OH GOD IT HURTS, WHOA IS ME!!! MOOOOAAANNN'. I've always been good at that. But it wasn't until the session on Saturday that it dawned on me that you CHOOSE the suffering. The pain, well, its pain... it just IS. The suffering, however, is all a part of what my 'ego' is constructing. When I say ego, I'm referring to it in a buddhist way.

In tandem with the therapy I'm trying to immerse myself ever so slightly in buddhism. I'm ready Eat Pray Love right now - that is basically buddhism 101 with some funny anecdotel story telling in it as well. I am her in so many ways, and in other ways I'm the farthest thing from her.

This weeks task is to try meditating with a chanted phrase at least 2 times this week. I'm going to go for 10 minutes at first - because knowing me my mind will be freaking the EF out after about 5 minutes. I'm not good at sitting with my own thoughts and 10 minutes will feel like an eternity!

So... this week recognize suffering, choose serenity, meditate.


Monday, March 10, 2008

FU Daylight Savings Time

Seriously - can we just do away with this hour switching please...

My daughter cannot handle the hour switching. In the fall she's up at 5:00am wondering where the heck her momma is and why isn't she playing with me RIGHT NOW! In the spring (errr WINTER!)she's cranky as heck and taking amazingly long naps only to wake up whiny about forty bazillion times throughout the night. Which is so unlike her. Since about three months old she's been a rock star sleeper. Unless she's sick or ailing in some way she gets a gold medal for sleep.

We're heading to Tucson today to visit some family and it couldn't have come at a better time. I need some sun therapy - just to feel the sun beating down on me would be like heaven. Oh - and a margarita, I wouldn't mind a margarita either.

If you're looking out the window this week at the 14 degree weather - just think of me! I'll be sitting poolside in 80 degrees. Scratch that - I'm not that mean... get yourself on a plane too and get somewhere warm!

Thursday, March 06, 2008


I've been instructed by my therapist to begin writing each morning. The interesting this about this particular task is that I have been told to write even when I feel as if their is nothing to write about.

Basically his theory - and one I fully agree with - is that when my life finds a balance, so to speak, I begin to ignore the "girls in the back". The analogy he used is that I'm the CEO of this company - my body/brain/self whatever. In being the CEO I focus my attention on external projects. Those projects are usually work, making dinner, changing diapers, doing laundry - the general tasks of living. In the constant focus on the external I tend to ignore the workers in the back as it were. I ignore my factory workers and don't pay much attention to them until they're staging a riot and setting fires to the factory.

Get it?

Yes, ok - moving on!

The task of writing when I'm on an even keel is meant to help me have daily meetings with the factory workers hopefully creating more of an open communication between the front end (output) and the back end (internal angst). Thus eliminating these outbursts I experience and/or major meltdowns that have occurred (oddly) every 4 or 5 years in my life.

Consider this day one - and you're absolutely suppose to bitch at me when you don't see a post by midday. That of course only counts for Mon-Thurs.