Thursday, March 30, 2006

Not Gonna Work

Over the past week my work environment has been extremely stressful. Not just for me but for the whole department. We just can't seem to get ourselves to a normal flow. Rather than a constant steady stream of work with moments of chaos we are experiencing constant chaos with moments of extreme chaos.

It's normal for us to be a bit chaotic at times when too many projects sell at once. Except the difference now is that the chaos is going on it's 4th week and there are no signs of stopping. We're all just trying to keep our heads of water and we're not having much luck.

The other day Mr.M was talking about his buddy who got into real-estate. His buddy isn't liking it much and Mr.M was saying how he just doesn't have the personality to do the job. You have to play the game, be personable, talkative, and self motivated. Then he said - so I was thinking that YOU would be perfect for that job.

I am a sucker for a compliment - especially from my man since I know he's stingy with them and only gives them when he absolutely means it. But it did get me thinking. Could I be good at real-estate? Would I Like it? My initial feeling is that I would want to know what it would be like to do the job on a normal day of work. I would like to shadow someone who's been in the business for over 5 years for a day and then shadow someone who's just starting out to get both perspectives.

I've been told many horror stories. You have to cold call for the first 2 years at least to get a base of clients. You have to sit for hours doing open houses when no one comes. You make no money the first few years but the potential is there to make a lot. The tests and classes cost around 3K and you may not find out until after you take them that you hate it.

I know I tend to get antsy at jobs. I have never stayed at a job longer than when I was dealing cards and that was because the money was too good to leave. Currently I've been at my job for 1.5 years and I've already got the itch. Especially with all the chaos that has been happening. Not to mention that there is literally no possibility of promotion and the pay will stink as long as I stay at the company I'm at.

Who's got 2 cents to throw in on this?

Friday, March 24, 2006

Who's Afraid of The Big Bad Wolf?

I've had trouble dealing with "authority" my entire life.

It's not that I think I know more or that they are out to get me. When I was a teenager I didn't have trouble with (SOME) teachers because I thought I knew it all. My reason is simple.

I'm not going to treat you any differently than the guy who collects my trash and let's face it - I treat him pretty well (xmas cards, cookies, and gift certificates).

In all the jobs I've held there has been some senior member in the office, whether it's the president of the company, a board member, the CEO etc etc.

One job I had there was this guy named Lenny who was what I like to refer to as King Senior PoopyPants. Meaning that he basically ran an extremely large company from his well lit corner office with leather sofas.

Lenny really liked me and I keep in contact with him to this day - I was just a receptionist but he still remembers me now almost 4 years later. He told me one time why I was different from everyone else. He said that I treated him the same as everyone else, that I cracked the same jokes, swore the same amount, and didn't change my demeanor when he entered the room. I teased him just the same as I do everyone else and I called him on his shit when the shit needed to be called.

Fast forward to now.

I'm at this gigantic International company where there is a strict org chart and it's held to pretty firmly. The rats get the cubes, the managers get the offices with no windows, the directors get the windowed offices, and the board member gets the corner office with the view. I'm all for organization - I like knowing the exact chain of command when I need to escalate an issue.

What I don't get - and I never will - is the way some of my co-workers act around the board member who is housed in our office. Let's call him Burt. When Burt's in the office they skitter around like scared puppies whispering "Burt's here... did you see - he came in around 7 and said he'd be staying till he had to go to the airport and..." blah blah blah fill in the blanks. They also act like Burt could fire them for sneezing too loud. They turn into sniveling yes men and it's ridiculous.

The odd thing is that the people who do this at work are all most certainly over 50 years of age. I have never seen the younger crowd at work act this way.

I think it has to be a generational thing. I think that my generation and even the generation right before me don't fear authority. We just don't really give a damn who the hell you are. I think Burt wants me to fear him - and guess what - it ain't going to happen. Fire me if you want - even though it would take quite a bit of paper work and time to make that happen.

Guess what - I'll do my job and treat everybody with respect. You do the same and we're all good. No ass kissing required.


Tuesday, March 21, 2006

The Day That Could Have Not Existed

I fucked up bad at work today. So bad that I was trembling with anxiety about it. So bad that it could possible cost the company 15,000 dollars. The cards got "missplaced" under some files I had. So - the study got fucked.

I had to write a detailed description of what happened, siting dates and times of emails and phone conversations. I had to write down where the quality checks should have been and weren't. It was a shitty day.

Then I had my therapist appointment. I feel like she missed the point. I wanted to talk about me and my role in my relationship with Mr.M and what I got was a diagnosis of over-active worry and anxiety. She's convinced that I have a problem with catastrophic thinking spirals and that I turn a small thing that might be normal mundane shit to everyone else in to a gigantic end of the world scenario for me.

She's right. I know I do that - I've always done that. While, yes it would be nice to develop some skills to not do that anymore I feel like I would be learning how to not be me anymore if you took it away. She said her goal will be to teach me to slow down.

I don't want to slow down.

I just wanted to discuss my relationship.

Like just now. I called out from the TV room to Mr. M who is just feet away at the computer, "Hey baby - do ya want to get married?"

I was playing a little game - like it was funny and he would respond with a "sure". I don't know - maybe it was a dumb thing to bring up like that.

His response was called back to me in the same sing song voice as mine, "not really".

It hit me hard.

I immediately wanted to talk about it. Why would you SAY that I said. Why would you say such a contradictory thing to what you told me earlier in the week? He got frustrated, "do we HAVE to re-hash this everyday? because that is just going to get annoying."

No we don't have to re-hash it everyday but for chrissake don't say shit like that - even as a joke, it's too fresh.

Sure - I could be like most girls would probably be and just be satisfied in the promise and the knowing that it's coming and that it will happen in the next year. I can't I'm a freak. I have catastrophic thinking spirals for fucks sake. I'm not a normal thinker.

No comments.

No more comments.

Monday, March 20, 2006

I Shouldn't But I Do

Ok - I know I shouldn't get my panties in a twist about comments that are left by certain people that refer to themselves as "anonymous". Because - yea, they don't leave their name so they must know what they are saying isn't exactly a popular opinion.

I can't help it though.

To anonymous -

DUH - of course I'm not engaged! That's exactly what the whole point of the post was. That we talked about it and our discussions were heading in another direction. Not that I'm some deranged woman who thinks that her imaginary boyfriend asked her to marry him and they rode of into the sunset together on a white horse.

I don't know why that comment got to me so much. I guess because I know how my situation "sounds" and I know how it could be perceived. That I'm a desperate crazed woman who's latching onto anything just to say she's headed towards happily ever after.

Like the kids in high school who swore up and down that they had a boyfriend/girlfriend and that they just went to another school or lived in another state.

Well I'm not a crazy woman and I do know what's real and what's not so please refrain from what Amalah refers to as the "assvice".

To think I even considered taking down the blog because of one little comment! I'm a thin skinned girl - which I'm sure is obvious from my writings about my relationship. I've tried to toughen up but I can't help it - and quite frankly I like that I wear my emotions for the world to see. It makes me capable of vulnerability and love.

Ok - enough defending myself.

We're still headed in the same direction as we were in my last post. We talked again on Sunday night and many more things were clarified, many more fears were voiced, and the decision still holds that we are planning to be married in about 1.5 years. However we've both decided to not announce anything until a ring is on my finger and my hand in marriage has been officially requested by Mr.M from my father.

Nothing is real yet. It's all talk - but it's good talk. The kind that leaves you feeling loved and in it together rather than battling upstream alone. Because at the end of it all he says "I choose you" and no sweeter words have been uttered to me by anyone - ever.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Flood Gates

Thank you all for your support and encouraging words. What I'm about to write is something I thought would never happen.

I came home from work - thinking so hard I'm sure I was about to burst a blood vessel. I made dinner and continued to stew about my previous post and all the feelings that accompany that.

Mr.M came home and was his usual self - jovial with a kiss hello. He made a joke about something - I don't even remember what.

I couldn't hold back. I said - it's probably best not to joke with me today. I then went on to explain that I'm done. I can't do it anymore. It's real, this is real, I can't continue. He started to joke again - and I looked at him with tears welling up in my eyes and he finally got it.

I told him I have to move out - I have to leave. That I can't make him do anything and I can't ever be married to someone who was pressured into it. I need it to be free will and promises of love.

He finally stopped. He finally told me what he was afraid of and what's in his brain. He finally let it out and let me in. We talked - for almost 2 hours.

Here's what we ended up with:

He's terrified of marriage - and even more so of an actual wedding.
He's scared of all the normal things people are scared of.
He's worried I'll continue to want more and more and it will never be enough and I'll never be happy.

We have decided that on my 28th birthday we will get married. Technically that means we're engaged - except that it won't be real to me until I get a ring. Which will occur no later than my 27th birthday this coming September. It was less of an argument and more of a discussion of our fears and an agreement to be afraid of these things together rather than have it stop us from moving forward.

So - I guess I'm engaged. Sort of.

It hasn't sunken in as you can tell. I'm a bit in shock.

Resentment and Hate

I feel myself almost hating him. The resentment is a constant nagging feeling behind every action I take and ever phrase I mutter.

When I do send instant messages, which barely happens anymore, I have to strain to sound upbeat and light. Then my stomach feels as if I've been punched write after I hit the send button.

We've turned into roommates - roommates that care for each other of course. Still - we just live in the same house we don't share goals and dreams. I don't because I fear being ridiculed for them - he doesn't because as far as I can tell he doesn't have any.

I go out with friends and don't come home till 1AM - I also go to choir on Tuesday nights more willingly than before. I feel a safe cleansing when I'm there. I feel the power of 60 voices - all with the same goal - all with the same dream. That dream is for our music to cleanse our souls and refresh our lives. To get lost in the harmonies and lyric lines so that our daily hell can be forgotten if even for that one small fleeting moment when all is right in the world.

The pain is so deep - I fear it can't be reversed. I've started to plan how I will say goodbye to his family and the friends I've made through him. I've started to try and stockpile money so when/if that night comes I'm prepared to leave. I've begun to imagine my life without him and without his face at the end of that proverbial aisle. The image of him holding our first born with tears of happiness streaming down his face has become blurred and I can almost not make out his face any more.
I've started to begin sentences with "when we break up" instead of "when we're married". Last night he called me on it. He said "what, we're breaking up now in your mind?" I said, "if the only two options are heading towards a break up and heading towards a marriage I believe we're headed towards the first".

It's true - I have resolved myself. We won't be getting married, we won't be having children. He turned 40 on the cruise. We celebrated, we laughed, we glowed from our sun kissed skin and homemade rum. We snorkeled hand in hand - later he said that it was the most special and romantic thing we've ever done.

The cruise was apparently the "last chance" in my mind. I didn't tell him this - I didn't even know it myself. I guess I was saying - just enjoy this one last thing and I really did. We made love and walked along sun drenched beaches. We soaked up every last bit of love we had for eachother. I wanted to put it in a bottle so I could remember.

In some ways I hope I forget him. I hope I forget all of the things I have such a hard time leaving. Almost so that it's easier to settle when it comes to the next guy I date. I never thought there would be a next guy. I thought my dating years were over - and I was quite pleased about that to be honest. I was sick of playing the "just want to have a good time" game. Because that's not what I want. I want a life partner, I want the father of my children, I want someone who pushes me to be a better person, I want someone who adores music more than me and pushes me to learn more about it. I want all those things - and I'm giving the one man who has ever had them away.

I have my first therapy appointment with a new therapist on Tuesday next week. I know it wont' be a quick fix but I'm counting the minutes till it gets here - hoping that she will offer me something to stand on till our next meeting. Hoping that she'll show me the way that this can work. Hoping that she'll show me that we are worth saving - because right now - all I feel is resentment and hate.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

We're BACK!

Look what I got to see!