Thank you all for your support and encouraging words. What I'm about to write is something I thought would never happen.
I came home from work - thinking so hard I'm sure I was about to burst a blood vessel. I made dinner and continued to stew about my previous post and all the feelings that accompany that.
Mr.M came home and was his usual self - jovial with a kiss hello. He made a joke about something - I don't even remember what.
I couldn't hold back. I said - it's probably best not to joke with me today. I then went on to explain that I'm done. I can't do it anymore. It's real, this is real, I can't continue. He started to joke again - and I looked at him with tears welling up in my eyes and he finally got it.
I told him I have to move out - I have to leave. That I can't make him do anything and I can't ever be married to someone who was pressured into it. I need it to be free will and promises of love.
He finally stopped. He finally told me what he was afraid of and what's in his brain. He finally let it out and let me in. We talked - for almost 2 hours.
Here's what we ended up with:
He's terrified of marriage - and even more so of an actual wedding.
He's scared of all the normal things people are scared of.
He's worried I'll continue to want more and more and it will never be enough and I'll never be happy.
We have decided that on my 28th birthday we will get married. Technically that means we're engaged - except that it won't be real to me until I get a ring. Which will occur no later than my 27th birthday this coming September. It was less of an argument and more of a discussion of our fears and an agreement to be afraid of these things together rather than have it stop us from moving forward.
So - I guess I'm engaged. Sort of.
It hasn't sunken in as you can tell. I'm a bit in shock.