Resentment and Hate
I feel myself almost hating him. The resentment is a constant nagging feeling behind every action I take and ever phrase I mutter.
When I do send instant messages, which barely happens anymore, I have to strain to sound upbeat and light. Then my stomach feels as if I've been punched write after I hit the send button.
We've turned into roommates - roommates that care for each other of course. Still - we just live in the same house we don't share goals and dreams. I don't because I fear being ridiculed for them - he doesn't because as far as I can tell he doesn't have any.
I go out with friends and don't come home till 1AM - I also go to choir on Tuesday nights more willingly than before. I feel a safe cleansing when I'm there. I feel the power of 60 voices - all with the same goal - all with the same dream. That dream is for our music to cleanse our souls and refresh our lives. To get lost in the harmonies and lyric lines so that our daily hell can be forgotten if even for that one small fleeting moment when all is right in the world.
The pain is so deep - I fear it can't be reversed. I've started to plan how I will say goodbye to his family and the friends I've made through him. I've started to try and stockpile money so when/if that night comes I'm prepared to leave. I've begun to imagine my life without him and without his face at the end of that proverbial aisle. The image of him holding our first born with tears of happiness streaming down his face has become blurred and I can almost not make out his face any more.
I've started to begin sentences with "when we break up" instead of "when we're married". Last night he called me on it. He said "what, we're breaking up now in your mind?" I said, "if the only two options are heading towards a break up and heading towards a marriage I believe we're headed towards the first".
It's true - I have resolved myself. We won't be getting married, we won't be having children. He turned 40 on the cruise. We celebrated, we laughed, we glowed from our sun kissed skin and homemade rum. We snorkeled hand in hand - later he said that it was the most special and romantic thing we've ever done.
The cruise was apparently the "last chance" in my mind. I didn't tell him this - I didn't even know it myself. I guess I was saying - just enjoy this one last thing and I really did. We made love and walked along sun drenched beaches. We soaked up every last bit of love we had for eachother. I wanted to put it in a bottle so I could remember.
In some ways I hope I forget him. I hope I forget all of the things I have such a hard time leaving. Almost so that it's easier to settle when it comes to the next guy I date. I never thought there would be a next guy. I thought my dating years were over - and I was quite pleased about that to be honest. I was sick of playing the "just want to have a good time" game. Because that's not what I want. I want a life partner, I want the father of my children, I want someone who pushes me to be a better person, I want someone who adores music more than me and pushes me to learn more about it. I want all those things - and I'm giving the one man who has ever had them away.
I have my first therapy appointment with a new therapist on Tuesday next week. I know it wont' be a quick fix but I'm counting the minutes till it gets here - hoping that she will offer me something to stand on till our next meeting. Hoping that she'll show me the way that this can work. Hoping that she'll show me that we are worth saving - because right now - all I feel is resentment and hate.