I have felt very alone in the past week or so. Not really lonely - just alone. I visited my friend Jody with the new baby and met my other friend Bridget at the mall. We sipped coffee and strolled around. I'm with Mr.M every day and everynight. We sleep next to eachother, have ongoing conversations, laugh, joke, workout together, have sex, make love.
But I feel like no one hears me right now. Or maybe I'm not talking - I don't know which.
I have got to reclaim this space, this blog - as the place that I say exactly what I'm feeling. I don't care if it's a broken record - I don't care if every post is about the same damn thing day after day. I need to release it somewhere - no one is hearing me in my daily life so I have to put it somewhere. Somewhere where it can stay safe and unmarked. Somewhere where I can be vulnerable and scared without worrying that I've given up too much.
I'm alone and I need this space back. I don't know why I feel like I lost it. I guess I've been censoring myself. Feeling like if I write one more entry about marriage and the lack there of that I'm being pathetic. Maybe I am pathetic but the feelings are still real and the pain is still there. Whether or not I'm going to do anything about it is secondary. I just need a spot to put my feelings that is safe.
Cruise - 16 days.
Therapist - 1 month.