Monday, January 30, 2006

The Pain Is Too Great

As much as I try to convince myself that "I'm Ok" with the current situation of my home and love life. I am not. I'm just not. I can tell myself that "this is my station in life" and that this will just have to be good enough, but it's all lies. I can't go a minute without thinking about all of it. I can't sleep at night for all the worrying I do keeps me in fits.

Mr. M says that he's very afraid that we will embark upon a life together and I will never be satisfied. First it's the "I'm not happy till I'm married" thing then it's the babies need then what? I can't defend this statement because I know part of that is true. I know that I'm a person who's always looking to the next thing and never sitting in the comfort of the moment. I've gotten better at it as I've gotten older. There are glimpses of happiness where I wouldn't change a singe thing - I try to hold on to these glimpses as long as possible. Like clinging to a rope as I'm dangling 100 feet off the ground.

I'm sick of opinions. I can't possibly hear another person say "you should just..." Because they don't know. They dont' know him and they don't know me. They may think they do - but it's so much more complex than that. It's not so simple to look at the man you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with and say "yea - I think we're done here." Especially when that man has all of the things you'd never find.

I know people always say that - "I'll never find another one as good as him." In this case though - it's pretty true. Sure - a lot of people say that they "like classical music". Which by the way is a huge red flag that they have no idea what I'm talking about. Because anybody who adores the Brahms, Whitacre, and Faure that I do would never say 'classical'. I need someone who will weep over a beautiful chord structure. Hold my hand tightly when we're surrounded by the most beautiful 'amen' ever written and push my music envelope by introducing me to composers I've never dreamed of listening to. I NEED that and it just doesn't exist people - trust me I've looked. All I find are arogant ass holes who don't really know anything about it. Or cute boys who end up liking the other tenors more than the cute alto - if you get my drift.

I feel like if I let this go I'd be being the stupidest girl ever. I feel like I'd regret it the rest of my life. I feel as if I'm being a spoiled brat for wanting marriage and children right this second. But I can't breath. I just can't breath. I want this 'needs' or 'wants whatever they are to just dissapear. I want to be happy - and content with the amazing man that I have and let things progress naturally. If I can't do this - then I've lost him forever - I've lost the possibility of seeing the children we'd create and the amazing life we'd have.

Why isn't what I have now good enough? I'm 26 years old - I'm not running out of time. I have plenty of time. When I was painting my perfect life as a child I always thought I'd get married at 30. I never expected to want the things I do so early. I thought I'd spend a while being a corporate money maker - climbing the ladders. What I didn't bet on was that I'd end up yearning for babies so badly that my skin would sting when I'd touch one. That the need for a commitment and a promise would be so important that I would turn into a shell of a person when I didn't get it.

What this all boils down to is that I'm finding myself a therapist. There are too many things in my brain that I just can't sort out by myself. I can't put it into perspective because it's too fresh and too immediate. Mr. M doesn't like the idea - he's ego is too big to handle criticism from a therapist or to have an outsider tell him 'how to think' as he says. I told him that I wasn't asking him to go - I was telling him that if he wants peace this will have to be one of the steps. This step is critical in us surviving this time in our relationship.

I'm broken.

*comments are closed - not that I get many but I just can't hear anything right now. Thank you.