Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Reason #782 I'm Greatful For Him

During my slower work days I spend most of my time chatting away on Yahoo Messenger and getting little to nothing done. Today was one of those days.

I usually have an ongoing conversation with Mr. M and with Mr.M's friend Helga. I guess I could call her my friend now too. It's just that she was his friend to begin with - oh and the small detail that they used to be fuck-buddies. errrr. yea. moving on!

I'm a subscriber to the general rule that everyone should keep their enemy's close. So I usually befriend women like Helga for the reason of making my presence known. However I made the fatal flaw of actually ending up liking her. She's around my age (few years younger) and just finished college working out in NY as an accountant.

She's the one who met the guy online 2 months ago and during that time got engaged and married.

Yea - don't ask.. she might have jumped the gun.. ok she DEFINITELY jumped the gun.

Anyway. She was all distraught today because she and the new hubby were in the middle of their first fight. I'm thinking it's a better idea to have your first fight before you get married - but that's me. He was accusing her of snooping through his email and she was denying it. Appartently a month ago she found some emails from him with pictures of himself sent to other chicks and called him on it.

My initial feeling is that he's hiding something. Although he probably is - it's none of my business and I console her as much as I can via Messenger. As I was reading her woeful tale I couldn't help but think I'm pretty darn lucky.

I have never once suspected Mr. M of being unfaithful. Yes, he emails women and talks to them online, but all are long time acquaintances or old girlfriends from many many years ago. He's always very forthcoming about his interactions with women. He'll come home from work and tell me about things that happened at work between him and other women explaining in great detail. He's also said more than once that the computer is as much mine as his and he has no secrets.

I have to say I really am greatful for this quality in my man. I never worry that he's cheating or sneaking around. I can at times suspect some women of trying to vie for his attention however I trust that he's smart enough to see past that and stop whatever advances might take place.

I'm just happy to have myself an honest, trustworthy guy - because YES they still exist girls and YES you deserve it.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005


I survived yet another Christmas Holiday. This time we were in 3 states, 2 planes, 2 cars, and 1 taxi.

We received many gifts - including but not limited to:
pink ceramic mixing bowls for our kitchen
weird scarf thing from my sister
Barefoot Contessa cookbooks
Large cutting board
Hello Kitty Toaster - he bought it to help me "work through" a bad past experience

and my dear boy got me this

I had to try and convince him that no - I wasn't dissappointed everytime I opened a gift and it wasn't a ring. It was a tough sell - as I was having trouble believing it myself

Hope everybody had a happy holiday!

Friday, December 23, 2005

Christmas Cards

We receive quite a few Christmas cards at this time of year. All of Mr. M's friends and family and mine too have sent little cards, notes, and pictures of smiling families.

I find it interesting how each person deals with the issue of addressing us on the card.

Let's say that Mr. M's last name is Goldstein. (which it's not - but pretend damnit!)

Here's the different variations we will receive:

Mr. M and Suzanne Goldstein
300 Happiness Lane
Minneapolis, MN 55555

Mr. M Goldstein and Suzanne Neal
300 Happiness Lane
Minneapolis, MN 55555

Mr. M Goldstein and Suzanne
300 Happiness Lane
Minneapolis, MN 55555

Suzanne and Mr. M
300 Happiness Lane
Minneapolis, MN 55555

Suzanne N. and Mr. M Goldstein
300 Happiness Lane
Minneapolis, MN 55555

So you get the picture. People have a real hard time with our relationship it seems... or our "arrangement". Some of the hard core friends and family throw caution to the wind and just give me his last name. Some of the more sensitive careful people painstakingly give us both our last names.

Mr.M get's uncomfortable when they give me his last name on the card and always says, "OH I BET YOU LOVE THIS ONE." I stopped responding to his regular jabs about our "situation" last week after the great meltdown of 2005. The M word has not left my lips since then and won't ever again. I said I was done... and I am.

So write what you will on my Christmas card - because really... it's just a card and I don't care if you call us Bubba and Big Tits McGee. It is fun to see him squirm though. hehehe

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

When All Else Fails

there's always cookies


I've gone through all the necessary stages of loss in about 2 days time. We had a marathon talk last night that left us both hurt, confused, and insecure.

I felt denial for the last year so I guess technically this all didn't happen in as short of a time as I think. I denied all day, everyday... he's just planning something beautiful that's why it hasn't happened yet. He's just waiting for the right time. He's just thinking really hard about it. He's just (fill in the blank).

Then I moved on to sadness. I cried and cried. Begged and begged for him to validate what I was feeling. I sobbed to myself in the wierdest places at the weirdest times. I sobbed at my friends baby shower/engagement, I sobbed when dad called me with the engagement news... I just cried until I couldn't cry any more.

Anger came next. I was livid last night. I tried to explain how I felt mis-lead, that somehow when I met him we were on the same page wanting the same things and now he was back pedaling and changing his story. Now "marriage wasn't important to him", "marriage was something he'd being giving his spouse to please them because it meant nothing to him", "he didn't want to raise children for the rest of his life", "what we have now is the pinnacle of happiness for him".

His accusations of me being a spoiled brat. Always wanting more than what I had. Never being thankful for what I did have. Trying to please my family and friends by insisting on a marriage proposal. Needing to be in line with everyone else. What's next he asked? children, a new house, a new car... you'll never be happy.

I became confused and unsure of my needs and wants. He had convinced me that I was a bad person for wanting the things that I wanted. Like I was some insufferable princess who was never pleased. Always wanted to be bigger and better than everyone else. He had me (almost) convinced that wanting marriage was a ridiculous thing. That marriage was only paper and legal and had nothing to do with promises of commitment and love. Marriage is tactile... what we have now is lasting and what I SHOULD be shooting for.

Now I'm at acceptance.
Mr. M will never be my husband. We will live forever just like this. Happy... but not commited. In love.... but no promises of forever. With a cat that I adore.... but no children. This will be my life and I might as well settle in. To some of you - I'm sure this seems like I'm giving in, settling, giving up on my dreams. For me - it is simply realizing that I have more in this man than will ever have in another. He is the one for me - however I will never share his name or bare his children. This has to be good enough as I am certain that to find another like him would be impossible. I know every girl says that "I'll never find someone else" yada yada yada. But I have dated - oooooh so many men. I have NEVER met a man who has the traits that Mr. M has. Honesty, generosity, loyalty, trustworthy, a love of all music, the dryest of humor, the most kissable neck, logical, and thoughtful. I love him.. and this is my station in life.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Smoke and Mirrors

I felt the familiar numbing seep through my body yesterday as the last of my tears fell from my cheeks. I remember this feeling quite well. I remember the fuzz that glazes itself over your vision. Nothing is clear - everything is like a worn out old photograph. Nothing is tangible or real, everything just floats in an out of my vision as if I'm being shown a slide show that isn't in focus.

I felt something similar to this 5 years ago during a nasty bout of depression that nearly did me in. I was admitted to a hospital on the pretense that I had attempted to kill myself. Except that wasn't true at all. I never tried - I merely said that I would appreciate it if I could get some sleep. In fact I thought it would have been very nice if I could have simply fallen asleep and never awoke again. That's what I said, not that I wanted to DO anything about it. Only that it would have been nice.

The little group of intern women taking my case smiled painfully at me in my hospital bed. I looked at them through my hazy vision and couldn't make out any of their features. Just soft blurry images in white coats. They asked several questions that I don't remember answering or what they were. Just that I was happy SOMEone was finally listening to me and validating my pain.

24 hours later they brought a wheelchair into my room and I got in thinking I was going somewhere nicer where there would be a kind grandfatherly like counselor there that would nod and smile and smell like ginger cookies. With a crackling fire because - GOD I could not get warm for some reason. They wheeled me away and I just looked into my lap at my tattered stuffed teddy that my father had purchased for me the year before. Although I was 21 (almost 22) it seemed perfectly normal to me that I would have such a keepsake with me. To protect me - from what... who knows - for my demons were within me.

I remember the sound of the door locking behind me. It almost sparked me awake from my hazy stuper. I looked behind me when it happened and I remember feeling the panic flood through my veins. It was the most alive I had felt since that day on the front stoop of my friend's house when the ambulance was called. I looked into my father's eyes with pure dread - tried to form coherent sentences and seem very in control. When I probably just seemed like a mad woman - yes this is where she belongs. I begged and pleaded - NO NO NO this is not what is supposed to happen! I'm not going to hurt myself I just needed some rest. REST! That's all I needed - those girls yesterday must have misunderstood me. I don't belong here, please!

The door closed behind my father with such permanence it ripped through my heart and I felt as if I was being sucked out of reality. As if I was a few inches away from the front of my face. My eyes blinking - my heart beating - as if they were external and not controlled by me. Then numb is all I felt. Nurses would speak to me and I wouldn't understand their words. I would try to speak to them and it came out confused and jumbled. I began to go silent, which for me was something I had never done. I had never been silent for more than an hour or two. I was silent for 24 hours. Just nods and refusals - no words. Reading the last entry from my diary that day was like seeing myself lose my mind. I saw the neat cursive swooping letters dimish into child-like scribbles with no coherent message accept a large swear word here and there.

People called the ward and I wouldn't pick up the phone. I wouldn't speak to anyone.

When I was released less than 24 hours later. After the Dr. met with me and apologized for the mis-understanding, stating that the young interns must have jumped the gun on their assessment of my case. My mother came to pick me up and I was merely a shadow of myself. Weighing in at 120 lbs I was down to my lowest weight since highschool. My eyes were sunken in, dark circles holding them in place, my hair pulled back into a ponytail that hadn't been removed or washed in days. My clothes didn't fit and I didn't fit.

I emerged into the daylight in a sun dress that belonged to my mother. She had brought it knowing that none of my clothes were going to fit. I felt weak and misplaced.

Week by week I got better. Slowly learning to eat again and rediscovering my usually healthy appetite. My hair got it's curl back and my face it's glow. Everything external went back to normal. Except the inside... it was healing a deep and permanent scar.

This scar has remained inside me and I constantly fear that i'm moments away from it being ripped open. I dread that the next time I am to feel that familiar pain that I will not survive it. I will not emerge into the sunshine. I will be swallowed by the darkness. That darkness started to sneak into the corner of my vision yesterday. It was like welcoming home an abusive husband - un-escapable, yet comforting and terrifying all at once.

Today I sit at my desk and I am a shell of my previous self. The familiar signs are there. I couldn't sleep last night, I've lost my appetite, my internal clock is off and pushing me to sleep all day and watch the blue glow of a TV all night. Food looks like plastic, nothing I would want to eat - people are speaking to me and around me and all I hear is jibberish mixed with words that I recognize here and there. Numb, it's safer that way.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

End Of The Road

This weekend has been emotionally difficult for me. For a couple of reasons.

I've been inundated lately with babies and marriage everywhere I turn. Maybe I'm looking for it rather than it just surrounding me by accident. Either way - it's beginning to win the war.

Dad got engaged last night - called me right away with the news as I've been helping him prepare and pick out a ring. She said yes - of course - there were tears and happiness on the other end of the phone.

All of this occurred on my way to bring some much needed snickerdoodles to my friend J as she is going into her 9th month of pregnancy and feeling uncomfortable and in pain most days.

I looked at the new nursery - ooh'd and aaah'd over the clothes etc etc. I took her to target so she could get all the necessary items for her overnight bag for the hospital. I gave her a hug and a kiss and was on my way home.

I'm miserable. I feel depression sneaking around the corner. I want to give up so badly. I want to stop talking to friends and family. I want to suck into myself so I don't have to be happy for one more damn person. YAY you're getting married, YAY you're having a baby, YAY YAY YAYA. FUCK!

I want to crawl into my bed under a blanket that is warm and never come out so I don't have to see another cute baby in the mall or see another glinting ring finger in the car next to me. They are like giant foghorns wailing away one message loud and clear "YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH".

I've always had a healthy self-esteem. I've never had an eating disorder or hated my body. I've always felt capable, smart, and confident. This is killing me though. This one thing is destroying my self worth that I have built over the years. Because - I'm not good enough to marry, I'm not good enough to be "the one", and I'm definitely not good enough to be somebodies mommy.

I've hit the end of it... I can't manage this anymore. I just can't. There has got to be an answer - am I missing the big glaring sign here? Is the big glaring sign smacking me in the face everytime I see those rosie cheeked babies and rings?

The sign is saying "End Of The Road"

Friday, December 16, 2005

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time there was this girl who lived in a house with her beloved man and her kitten.

She went to work everyday and came home everynight. She waited patiently for her dear boyfriend to ask her those three magical words. Sometimes she didn't wait so patiently - but nonetheless she waited.

Then one day the girl missed her period...

A month later she missed another one.

THe girl had been on birth control for 8 years and had missed some periods before but never 2 in a row. So she grew nervous. She was worried about how she would tell her family and friends. She worried about what to tell her boyfriend.

So the girl went to the grocery store and bought a pregnancy test which actually was a 2 for 1 so at least she saved money. That made the girl happy in a weird sort of way.

On the way home from the grocery store the girl thought of all that could happen from this one little test. She thought about having a baby with her beloved man and how it would be lovely. However she did feel that it wasn't the way she would want to write her life. She wanted it to be a ring, then a wedding, then a baby.

The girl took the test and lo and behold it was negative. THe girl was relieved but at the same time felt a little sad. She so badly wants to have babies someday and even though the timing wasn't right she had gotten a bit excited about the possibility.

The end.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Insert Foot In Mouth

So - yea - remember yesterday when I was all indignant and pissy because I wasn't being APPRECIATED and because my employers were money hungry ass holes who didn't give me a raise on my one year anniversary at the job.


I do.

So my boss was out on PTO today. I had volunteered to take on a job for her while she took the day off today. It turned into a lot of work so I was just buzzing through most of it and copying on her on all the emails - so I wouldn't get stuck with the study when she came back on Monday.

sidenote - handling someone elses study is alot like trying to where someones shoes (literally). Your foot never quite fits in the groove and the shoes have definitely been already molded to someone elses foot. It's just not comfortable.

At around noonish I get a call from my bosses cell phone. No message - just on the caller ID. So I call her back at home to see what's up. She was just checking in on the study and apologizing for it turning into a pain in the ass. I was like "yea no biggy - you'd do the same for me".

So then - and here's where I have to eat a big giant slice of humble pie.

She tells me that she has been fighting for an increase in pay for me for a while now. She knew it would take longer and their would be different rules since we got re-orged back in June. She says they usually only give 2% raises but that she put her foot down and managed to get me a 6% increase in pay. So not only that but the increase is already active in the check I'm receiving tomorrow.

She went on to say that she didn't feel right about them giving me 2% because she felt that I had gone the extra mile and really stuck it out going through a tough re-org. She thanked me for a job well done and said she'd see me on Monday.


Here's me all bitching yesterday only to find out that my awesome boss. Did I mention she totally rocks? was working hard trying to get me an increase in pay that was higher than anyone had received yet in the department.

I probably won't notice the increase much in my checks - it probably only works out to about 120 bucks a month more. It's the principal of it though. I done good and I was rewarded.

Guess I'll go get my self a slice of that pie now.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

We Like You - But Only .07%

Not sure if I mentioned this before but I had my 1 year anniversary at work on Nov. 29th. Since it has been an insanely hectic fourth quarter in our department I figured they'd get around to my review and pending title promotion and possible raise in a few weeks.

I worked hard - ooooh did I ever. I flew to Chicago, Los Angeles, and back home all while being deathly ill. I worked 3 studies at once while on the road. I completed things no human could ever do under the circumstances. When I returned a day early from my travels and was offered a free day off - I showed up anyway and powered through. I worked weekends and long hours.

I was like Vincent Wolf from Pulp Fiction. I would swoop in and fix whatever catastrophe had taken place in a cool and collected way. I was the wolf. I had finally achieved a level of knowledge in my job where people ask me what I would do in my "expert opinion".

Secretly I'm wondering when I'm going to be found out. I'm always wondering when they are finally going to figure out that I know absolutely nothing and have been faking it this whole time. FOOOOOOLED YOU!

My coworker who has been at the job exactly 6 months longer than I have, received her promotion to "Senior PoopyPants" back in June. I'm only assuming that this was accompanied with a well deserved raise. However I have no true knowledge of this since unlike my previous place of employment people keep the private things private here.

Knowing this I only assumed I would be taking the role of "Senior Poopypants" along with her at my one year mark. I have been meeting and exceeding all tasks and goals in my path and have thought (modestly) that I should be adding to the mundane "Poopypants" title and putting a lovely "Senior" in front of it. I also assumed that I too would receive a small financial token from my employer as a pat on the back for a job well done and a "please stay a while" message attached.

What I received was none of these things.

I did not receive:

A Review
"Senior Poopypants"
A Raise
A Promotion

However do not fret - I did receive something! Oh yes, my dear readers I received something indeed!

25 American Express Points

Do you know what that is?

Neither did I. So I went to the website the little envelope instructed me to and found that LUCKY ME! I had received a gift of 25 Points! And you want to know what 25 points is?????

1 point = 1 dollar

Which also equals .07% of my salary. What's that??? A Raise you say?? Oh no my friend. This is a one time gift from my oh so grateful company. Who scrawled across the top of the envelope in some secretary's perfect penmenship:

"Suzanne Neal 1 YR 11/29"


PS. If anyone has figured out what I make in a year from the above percentage. You too should be feeling my pain at this moment.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I've Never Seen So Clearly On A Foggy Day

Just returned from our annual trip out to Seattle/Portland to see Mr. M's niece, sister, and friends.

To say the trip was perfect would be an understatement. We made love everyday, snuggled, held hands in the cool brisk Seattle air, ate lovely extravagant meals, and saw friends and family.

On our last night in Seattle we decided to walk from our hotel to the place where we were meeting everyone for dinner. Seattle is lit up with twinkly christmas lights at this time of year and the weather is wet and cool.

We began our stroll to dinner hand in hand with coats and scarves. Our steps in sync with eachothers. Left.. right... left... right.

Our pace was slow and deliberate.

The fog was light and misty. Just enough so you could feel your face come alive with the cool mist but not enough to give you a chill. The harbor was barely visible through the misting fog and the twinkly lights seemed to streak across the night air.

It was at this moment that I was assured, once again, that this man is the father of my children and my companion for life. For no one else in my past present or future will be able to make me feel so warm and so secure on a night such as this. As the the palm of his hand fits mine so perfectly it couldn't be any other way.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Panties In A Twist

OK - now don't go getting your panties in a twist.

I might just be traveling to a little known place on Jan 2nd.

Little known place called the BAHAMAS!!!!!


Aren't you excited. OMG OMG OH MY GAH

So yea... I'm totally relaxed. and not excited at all. I'm fine... yea...

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Is It Hot In Here?

I have weird musical tastes. It is true. Never have been into any sort of pop music. And by pop music I mean what ever is POP-ular on the top 40. A lot of people say, "I like Beyonce or Hoobastank" and I say, "so you like pop music" and they scoff.

I've never been good at liking the music my friends like or people my age like.

I dig Bonnie Raitt. Not her more country stuff. I dig her raw blues stuff that you can just feel her grinding it out. I've gone to see her twice. She was hot both times. She literally grinds on her guitar and not in some slutty way. It's in this raw, sweaty, feeling the music kind of way. Lyle Lovett opened for her one time I saw her and that turned me on to him. I always thought he was straight country too but I was pleasantly surprised to hear his more bluesy stuff.

Mr. M has a vast knowledge and love of music. He loves it all, Punk-Rock, Old School Country, Jazz, Blues, Baroque, Romantic, etc etc. I've found a lot of new music loves through his collection of music.

Get to the point woman!

So we're watching tv flippin channels while eating dinner and I see that Michael Buble is on TPT (public television) so I figure what the heck I'll give him a try. See what he has to offer.

HOLY SHIT PEOPLE. I got the tinglies down in my girly parts. WHOA. He's got a voice like butter and I have always loved me some baritone range singers. Don't dig the tenors so much but if they can rumble my tummy and do it smoothly they can pretty much have their way with me.

It's minus 2 outside here... but I'm plenty warm after watching Mr. Buble.

Should I not be telling you that I just searched the internet to see if he was married and straight?

yea... probably shouldn't be mentioning that.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Finally We Can All Breath

I year ago Tuesday I started working at the company I work at now. I've been there a whole year and it feels like the year sailed by. I really do like what I do. It's constantly changing and I'm constantly learning. You really can't ask for better than that.

The reason I sought out the job was a heartwrenching one. I've written the full description of this in previous posts. The company that I was hired at right out of college was a small hair product distributor who's 1 and only client was a national hair cutting chain. I bet you can guess???

I was hired as a marketing and sales coordinator for less than 1/2 of what I was making dealing cards. I went from 55K to 28K and it hurt... it hurt BAD. But I thought I was doing the right thing. I had to start somewhere and build my experience before I could make money and I knew it.

So I stuck it out. I made friends. The girls in the customer service department became like little sisters to me. Even though they were all older than me they had significantly different lives. They were mostly poor, single moms, or teen moms who were now adults trying to pick up the pieces. They looked to me for advice and I tried to make their days light and funny.

I don't need to go over all this again. If you want to read it you can - it's in the archives somewhere.

At the time that I stepped away from them all. I told their lawyer - the one that I found for them and knew was working for free - that I needed him to take care of them. I needed him to do the right thing since all the other people in money and power at that time were not doing right by the little people.

I heard from the girls a few times over the year getting little updates on their progress. I prayed constantly that good would win over evil because if it didn't I wouldn't be able to love my fellow man anymore and I would lose faith.

Today I got the word.

The girls won.

They were not compensated what I believe they should have been. The bad guys didn't crumble and fall from power.

That's not what mattered.

What matters is that these girls learned that standing up for themselves is possible and the only option. They learned that just because someone is rich and powerful doesn't mean they can get away with whatever they want... rape or sexual assault.

I got no money from this, I got no severance, I got nothing tactile that I can say "look see here what I have won for doing the right thing"

I received something far more valuable.

The world has good people and sometimes.... justice does prevail.