Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Resolved

I've gone through all the necessary stages of loss in about 2 days time. We had a marathon talk last night that left us both hurt, confused, and insecure.

I felt denial for the last year so I guess technically this all didn't happen in as short of a time as I think. I denied all day, everyday... he's just planning something beautiful that's why it hasn't happened yet. He's just waiting for the right time. He's just thinking really hard about it. He's just (fill in the blank).

Then I moved on to sadness. I cried and cried. Begged and begged for him to validate what I was feeling. I sobbed to myself in the wierdest places at the weirdest times. I sobbed at my friends baby shower/engagement, I sobbed when dad called me with the engagement news... I just cried until I couldn't cry any more.

Anger came next. I was livid last night. I tried to explain how I felt mis-lead, that somehow when I met him we were on the same page wanting the same things and now he was back pedaling and changing his story. Now "marriage wasn't important to him", "marriage was something he'd being giving his spouse to please them because it meant nothing to him", "he didn't want to raise children for the rest of his life", "what we have now is the pinnacle of happiness for him".

His accusations of me being a spoiled brat. Always wanting more than what I had. Never being thankful for what I did have. Trying to please my family and friends by insisting on a marriage proposal. Needing to be in line with everyone else. What's next he asked? children, a new house, a new car... you'll never be happy.

I became confused and unsure of my needs and wants. He had convinced me that I was a bad person for wanting the things that I wanted. Like I was some insufferable princess who was never pleased. Always wanted to be bigger and better than everyone else. He had me (almost) convinced that wanting marriage was a ridiculous thing. That marriage was only paper and legal and had nothing to do with promises of commitment and love. Marriage is tactile... what we have now is lasting and what I SHOULD be shooting for.

Now I'm at acceptance.
Mr. M will never be my husband. We will live forever just like this. Happy... but not commited. In love.... but no promises of forever. With a cat that I adore.... but no children. This will be my life and I might as well settle in. To some of you - I'm sure this seems like I'm giving in, settling, giving up on my dreams. For me - it is simply realizing that I have more in this man than will ever have in another. He is the one for me - however I will never share his name or bare his children. This has to be good enough as I am certain that to find another like him would be impossible. I know every girl says that "I'll never find someone else" yada yada yada. But I have dated - oooooh so many men. I have NEVER met a man who has the traits that Mr. M has. Honesty, generosity, loyalty, trustworthy, a love of all music, the dryest of humor, the most kissable neck, logical, and thoughtful. I love him.. and this is my station in life.

2 Comments:

At 8:28 PM, Anonymous Amy said...

Damn it to settling. I hate it!!! And have never figured out how to avoid it.

 
At 12:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate to say this. I don't want to say this. I hardly know you. But because of what you've written on your blog this past year, I get the impression that you want so much more. As such, never settle. If the person you're with doesn't want to give you want you want, make the difficult decision and move on. At this stage of your life to give up all your dreams and hope for a husband with kids will leave you with regret later on. Hopefully my saying this isn't hurtful. I'm really not trying to be. It's just that I can relate on so many levels.

Ursula
www.barzey.com

 

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