End Of The Road

This weekend has been emotionally difficult for me. For a couple of reasons.

I've been inundated lately with babies and marriage everywhere I turn. Maybe I'm looking for it rather than it just surrounding me by accident. Either way - it's beginning to win the war.

Dad got engaged last night - called me right away with the news as I've been helping him prepare and pick out a ring. She said yes - of course - there were tears and happiness on the other end of the phone.

All of this occurred on my way to bring some much needed snickerdoodles to my friend J as she is going into her 9th month of pregnancy and feeling uncomfortable and in pain most days.

I looked at the new nursery - ooh'd and aaah'd over the clothes etc etc. I took her to target so she could get all the necessary items for her overnight bag for the hospital. I gave her a hug and a kiss and was on my way home.

I'm miserable. I feel depression sneaking around the corner. I want to give up so badly. I want to stop talking to friends and family. I want to suck into myself so I don't have to be happy for one more damn person. YAY you're getting married, YAY you're having a baby, YAY YAY YAYA. FUCK!

I want to crawl into my bed under a blanket that is warm and never come out so I don't have to see another cute baby in the mall or see another glinting ring finger in the car next to me. They are like giant foghorns wailing away one message loud and clear "YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH".

I've always had a healthy self-esteem. I've never had an eating disorder or hated my body. I've always felt capable, smart, and confident. This is killing me though. This one thing is destroying my self worth that I have built over the years. Because - I'm not good enough to marry, I'm not good enough to be "the one", and I'm definitely not good enough to be somebodies mommy.

I've hit the end of it... I can't manage this anymore. I just can't. There has got to be an answer - am I missing the big glaring sign here? Is the big glaring sign smacking me in the face everytime I see those rosie cheeked babies and rings?

The sign is saying "End Of The Road"