Jealousy Is My Evil Twin

I went to the previously mentioned baby shower today. I got lost on my way there and I had to deal with my mother all morning. Several times on my way there I called Mr.M and told him I'm not going... I'm giving up.

I finally got to the shower and it was mostly family members with me and another friend of the mom to be's. It was your standard shower with food, cake, and stupid baby games.

As I was watching her open all the presents a burning started in my stomach. No - not indegestion, but good guess.

I realized that at that moment I was on the verge of tears watching my friend open gift after gift of pink fuzzy things. She was glowing - and so happy. I wanted what she had so badly. What kind of awful friend feels jealous at her friend's baby shower. Apparently I'm that kind of friend.

After all the gifts had been opened and I had choked back my tears trying instead to smile and be happy for her ( I really am)her boyfriend (and father of the new baby)told her there was just one more gift.

He got down on one knee and before he could even ask she said YES! and the whole room erupted with cheers. I lost it of course. All that crying I was holding back started really flowing.

After she had gotten her composure and hugged and kissed all the family she came over to me with big crocodile tears in her eyes and said "I'm sorry." Why should she feel sorry for her happiness? Because I'm some spinster of a woman in the corner stewing over my shitty life? I absolutely wouldn't have it.

I gave her a huge hug and we cried and told each other that we loved each other. I'm so dearly happy for my friend. She deserves this happiness. She endured years of hell with her previous husband and this guy - he's got an A+ in my book. He takes care of her and loves her and lets her be herself.

Only problem is... I don't know why I can't stop crying.