Tuesday, March 21, 2006

The Day That Could Have Not Existed

I fucked up bad at work today. So bad that I was trembling with anxiety about it. So bad that it could possible cost the company 15,000 dollars. The cards got "missplaced" under some files I had. So - the study got fucked.

I had to write a detailed description of what happened, siting dates and times of emails and phone conversations. I had to write down where the quality checks should have been and weren't. It was a shitty day.

Then I had my therapist appointment. I feel like she missed the point. I wanted to talk about me and my role in my relationship with Mr.M and what I got was a diagnosis of over-active worry and anxiety. She's convinced that I have a problem with catastrophic thinking spirals and that I turn a small thing that might be normal mundane shit to everyone else in to a gigantic end of the world scenario for me.

She's right. I know I do that - I've always done that. While, yes it would be nice to develop some skills to not do that anymore I feel like I would be learning how to not be me anymore if you took it away. She said her goal will be to teach me to slow down.

I don't want to slow down.

I just wanted to discuss my relationship.

Like just now. I called out from the TV room to Mr. M who is just feet away at the computer, "Hey baby - do ya want to get married?"

I was playing a little game - like it was funny and he would respond with a "sure". I don't know - maybe it was a dumb thing to bring up like that.

His response was called back to me in the same sing song voice as mine, "not really".

It hit me hard.

I immediately wanted to talk about it. Why would you SAY that I said. Why would you say such a contradictory thing to what you told me earlier in the week? He got frustrated, "do we HAVE to re-hash this everyday? because that is just going to get annoying."

No we don't have to re-hash it everyday but for chrissake don't say shit like that - even as a joke, it's too fresh.

Sure - I could be like most girls would probably be and just be satisfied in the promise and the knowing that it's coming and that it will happen in the next year. I can't I'm a freak. I have catastrophic thinking spirals for fucks sake. I'm not a normal thinker.

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