Sunday, June 11, 2006

Stepping Out

At first I thought his silence was because of our fight the other night (Thurs).

When Friday rolled around and he was still not speaking to me - I thought his work day must have been uber-stressful.

Yesterday when he wouldn't talk to me I thought the diet was getting him down.

When we didn't have our weekend sex - my eyebrows started to raise a bit.

When he wouldn't speak to me this morning - I'm starting to get it.

Mr. M might taking his leave of our relationship. THat is really a possibility. The night before we fought about the "fat"thing he said he was feeling pressured - like he was on some timeline and not like deciding to get married should be. I told him that I was sorry he was feeling that way but that I couldn't live like this any longer. The only reason I'm still here is because he said "by your birthday". I was done waiting in March. I'm still here only because the man has never lied to me and never not come through on a promise. He gave me his word - and I believe it.

The first few days of our diet Mr.M was on a high. He was talkative and excited. He was rooting me on and motivated. THe last few days he's been anti-social, distant, and silent.

I could ask him a question 2 feet away from him and he will flat out ignore me. LIke he's in another world. I have to ask it 2 - 3 times before he comes back down to earth and realizes his woman is actually talking to him.

Something is happening - definitely. This morning I said to him that what he's doing right now is what I assume he experiences in his relationship with his first love. He told me that she had just stepped out of the relationship emotionally. That it was the worst torture he'd ever experience.

Having a shell of a person next to you in bed is an awful feeling. That person is there - but not really. The being is there but the soul is not.

Yes - I've asked him what's wrong. I've asked him what's up. I've asked him to please bring back the MR.M I know. All I get are grunts and sometimes a yes or no. Kisses are forced, hugs are tense, and touching in general is ridiculously awful.

In my past relationships I would have fought tooth and nail against my partners withdrawal. All of those times it just pushed the person farther away. I'm thinking I need to give MR.M some space. On the hand I want to know that I'll be damned if I let this thing fall to pieces. On the other I feel like the only way to keep him is to let him do this on his own.

MY stomach is in knots. I feel the end is near... or at least a very large detour.


At 3:59 PM, Blogger JenniA said...

How old is Mr. M? If he is 26 then you are pushing him to get married too soon. Really marriage is forever like the you are not a virgin anymore.

If you were a virgin and your boyfriend said to you, "You will have sex with me by the September because I can't live like this any longer." What would you do? YEAH! You would leave him. So why would you give him the same ultimatum. Drop the marriage bullshit. I have been married for 2 years - we had a lot more fun living in sin and not be married. Marriage means you are forced to stay with him and work things out. When you aren't married it is YOUR choice. Compromise and other crap you have to do when you are married is not there. Marriage is forever and only your choice once. Living with him is your choice you can make over and over again.

At 4:03 PM, Blogger JenniA said...

ok. Mr. M is 40!!! Well, that is enough said. Get out while you are still young! You have 10 years left of your baby having years -- YO! This guy is an old man - if he hasn't been married before now, we call those guys "ruined" as in the Old Maid spinster kind of men...Don't even bother with them for more than 2 years...Get your screw on and move on!

At 3:36 PM, Anonymous Ursula said...

I'm known to give the silent treatment, but I typically reserve that for people I don't give a damn about. Not someome I'm trying to have a romantic relationship with.

As such, I think you need to plan to move in seperate directions. Heck, I'd even say move out. I know this might be easier said than done, but from all that you've shared, it sounds like he might be somewhat resentful at being forced into making a decision about your future.

And in that you know what you want, and he doesn't seem to want to give it to you willingly, I say move on. As difficult as it may be, its easier to walk away now when there are no children involved.

At 7:32 PM, Anonymous Prochein Amy said...

"Having a shell of a person next to you in bed is an awful feeling. That person is there - but not really. The being is there but the soul is not."

This part made me cry and reminds me of the beginning of my marriage. My husband went into a depression and pulled away from me. You explain it so well.


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