Trying Hard Not To Try

I've been distant - I know.

I'm still waiting to hear from the company I was interviewing with on the job. My current employer is readying themselves to match an offer if need be. Regardless they realize if they don't up my pay - I'll continue looking.

Now that's out of the way we can talk about the REAL stuff.

As I mentioned before - I'm off the pill. It's been almost 3 weeks I think - maybe only two. I bled for the first 7 days. I know it's probably subjective but I feel very natural and un-medicated. I feel like I don't have chemicals running through my veins. THe libido is in FULL swing and I constantly have horns. hehehe.

Everytime we have sex we always do the "we should get a condom" game. Except the "we shoulds" end up not building into actually doing it. So - yea I know we're playing with fire - but it's like we're tempting the universe. I know he's really trying to have a child - while I'm passive agressively not trying NOT to.

I know I'm gonna get a whole shit load of hate mail on this one - how I'm so awful for not planning a pregnancy and bringing a child into an un-wed home.

I'm not dealing with the real issues and I know that. Trust me I know that. Everytime we have sex the whole day I think - what the hell are you doing. YOu KNOW you could get pregnant - and who knows I probably already am. I think I'm like most women in that somewhere in the depths of your heart you WANT it to happen. Even though you pee on the stick and you think this can't happen and you say out loud that your freaked you might be pregnant there is a small piece of you that crumbles when you see the negative.

Because - what if.

What if that was your child and what if he/she was the most amazing little being you've ever laid eyes on. WHat if you got to spend mornings in bed cuddled up next to a sleeping beautiful baby that you made with the love of your life. What if that child is meant to be with you and meant to complete your family. What if they have dark curls for hair and blue eyes like their momma or dark pools of depth like their daddy.

I asked my father his opinion tonight and he voiced the fears that I too am holding. Let's say we have a baby - does he think that means that no wedding will be needed? THat's not what I want. I want a wedding - albeit small - I still want one. I don't care if we fly away for a weekend in Las Vegas and just tell the family to meet us there. I don't care if we get married at my friend Jessie's lake home and have a barbeque after. I don't care how it's done - all I want is the dress and my family and my man.