Thursday, January 27, 2005


I am absolutely furious today.

I know what the things are that lead up to my anger, but I'm surprised at just how angry I am.

In college I was FILLED with anger. I usually turned it into sarcasm or judgemental behavior. It wasn't until I made a conscious decision to let it go that I realized just how angry I really was. I was angry at the skinny girls for puking in the bathrooms. I was angry at men for placing women in roles they hadn't chosen. I was angry at the girls for accepting their roles without questioning them. I was angry at my parents for acting like children and getting divorced after a 25 year marriage. I was angry at my parents moreso for putting my sister who was in highschool through this divorce and not just waiting another year for her to be out of the house. I was angry at myself for not achieving my fullest potential. I was REALLY angry at myself for gaining a freshman 40 (yea, not 15) and not being physically what I used to be.

So, I let that anger go, and it was like an elephant had moved on after gently leaning on my back for 4 years. I found happiness and naturally my freshman 40 dropped off. I never did make it back to age 18 weight.. but who does!?!

Today, I feel all that anger and more.

Last night Mr. M finally came out with what was up with him the last few days. I refused to conjure it out of him, and hoped that he'd come to it on his own. I felt like a bad girlfriend for not reaching out to him and saying, "what's wrong". But, I'd had enough, I figured if it was the end of the relationship... FINE!

He calls on his way home from work saying that he couldnt' sleep a wink last night "oh, really? that's too bad." He then says, he has a lot on his mind. Work, the TV show, adding a new game to the floor at work, training for that game, and the tournaments coming up. To which I responded, "oh, I was wondering when you were gonna come out with it."

So, that was a relief, but the night went on and I got angry.

He says that he found this research newspaper article about divorce. They found that of the people who lived together before they were married, 75% of them ended up getting divorced. He said, "I was gonna email it to you, but I knew you would take it the wrong way and freak out."

EXCUSE ME! But how the hell should I react to something like that. Not only do you remind me on a daily basis that I'm not up to par enough to marry but then you go on to tell me that if we DID get married, it would just end in divorce anyway. So, I guess I should just give up now eh? Is that what he's trying to say?! Well, excuse me, but FUCK OFF!

That kind of conversation continued through the night, at the gym, at dinner, in front of the tv, and on into bed. He climbs into bed and wraps his arms and legs around me to stay warm, snuggling close. All I whisper before I sleep is, "I'm breaking up with you." To which he replies, "that's nice dear, now go to sleep."

GAH! I'm furious. He totally patronizes me when I'm seriously angry and concerned. He backs me into these corners where I have to show all my cards to make my point. I don't even WANT to get married right now, but I take this as such a slap in the face I start to press as if I do. I press on him about marriage... and I don't even want to marry him right now. WHY do I do this?

As I was driving to work this morning, I actually almost kept driving. I want to leave... just leave everything and everyone. Pack my car with the bare essentials, sell my stuff, quit my job, and go. Away away away. Away from this man who apparently thinks I'm not the marrying type.


At 7:28 AM, Blogger Helen said...

You sound scarily close to how I am. In college I too was a ranting lunatic, and now in a relationship if I think I am not being taken seriously enough, it drives me bonkers.

That said, from an outsider "I'm not the angry one in this relationship" aspect, it sounds like he loves you a lot. Again, I don't know for sure.

But if you're as high maintenance as I am, then yes-it would be love.

At 10:28 AM, Blogger Suzanne said...

Hi maintenance... who me???

You totally pegged me.

I hope your perception is true and that I'm loved.


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