Monday, January 10, 2005

Scared Selfish

Mr. M has the opportunity to do something big with his career. Not in general, I mean right now. He's created a tv show. Yes, a real tv show, yes he wrote it, yes he produced it, yes its finished, yes he's selling it.

Only problem is, that I'm a big selfish brat.

BIG BIG, GIANT GIANT... selfish little brat.

I tried to fake it, I tried to say, "I'm so excited for you baby, this is something you've always wanted, go out and do it.. make me proud!" I tried to act like I was uber-girlfriend supportive.

But, the truth is I'm scared. So scared that thinking about it makes tears well up in my eyes, blurring them so I have to blink a thousand times so that he won't see. Smiling half heartedly trying to show him I'm really happy for his opportunity at money, fame, and a new life.

I'm scared because this career change doesn't just change his life, but it changes mine. It rips my happy routine life to pieces and leaves me holding the scraps. As if my favorite blanky from childhood has just been shredded before my eyes and I'm left kneeling on the floor trying to piece it back together to make it fit.

This new career will take him away from me, not just physically (travelling almost 2 months straight) but emotionally too.

Tonight he called me on it. He said, "if someone asked me what you thought about this I'd tell them you were aprehensive. I'd tell them you were worried about how it was going to affect you."

Sad part is, he's right. I am apprehensive, I am worried about how it's going to affect me/us. I'm worried that six months from now when this show hits the air I'll be telling somebody about my ex-boyfriend the Television Producer instead of sitting across from him at the dinner table.

God, I love him. I love him so much I thought I could tell him go ahead, do it baby, make it happen. But it scares the crap outta me. Scares me that because of this I might be setting myself up for the biggest heartbreak to date.

Scares me to think I might have just given the go-ahead to shred up my very own blanky.


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