The Beginning is Near

Today was my last day of work before I get married this weekend. Actually I was suppose to work a 1/2 day tomorrow but my boss politely said that maybe I should just not come back. She knows and I know that I'm doing nobody any good sitting and staring at my computer screen at work. At least before I could pretend like I was working and get all my wedding stuff done. Now - all the admin items are done and it's merely about physical action.

We leave tomorrow for Iowa. I'm ready for it to be here - and at the same time I feel like I have plenty to do in the mean time. I still have to pack the car, get the oil changed, get my nails done, re-make the veil, buy an eyelash comb and eye makeup remover, buy some hair pins/bobby pins, and get the ring bearer a gift.

It'll all happen - or it won't happen - and I'll still survive. Up until today I was running myself ragged with the details. It wasn't until this morning on the phone with the caterer (who finally called me back!) That I realized none of this matters. He very calmly said that he always forgets that to the bride this is a nerve wracking experience. For him - it's just another calm day at work. He's a pretty laid back guy as it is - but he does a wonderful job - and did a really great job soothing me this morning.

I had my hair consulation tonight and Emy came to learn exactly how to do it. $117 later and I had a beautiful "audrey" kind of do and some hair products to boot.

The posting might be sporadic this week at best - I'll be sure to post pics just as soon as I can. But if you don't hear from me - know that I'm having the most wonderful weekend marrying the man of my dreams and starting my life with him.

Doesn't Count

I threw up twice tonight - but no food - just liquids. And before you all go saying "I told you so!" I think it was because I over ate and had nothing to do with "morning sickness". Granted I didn't eat anymore than I usually do at this particular restaurant but - I dunno... rationalize, rationalize, rationalize.

I'm ready for my wedding day to be here. I can't beLIEVE I'm going to go to work tomorrow. I will be the most un-productive I've ever been I'm sure. On Friday afterwork my boss had scheduled a happy hour bridal shower thingy. I got a card signed by the whole office and a little note inside that had a picture of our place settings that said "7 settings being delivered to your home". It was so very thoughtful it brought me to tears.

It's times like these that I think - there is no way I could ever leave my job - even if I did have a baby. I go back and forth a lot on that topic. To work or not to work. Which is quite funny since I used to be such a fierce feminist that I said I'd never get married let alone have children. I also used to have a definite idea of what a stay at home mom was. Irony has bitten me in the ass good on that one eh?

I'm trying to get as much rest as possible - which means I've been hittin the sack at about 9 each night and napping early afternoon - on the weekends of course. I've been feeling ok - my butt bone is killing me if I sit too long and I had a leg cramp at the theater the other night. Smells aren't really bothering me unless it's a lady next to me at a play who drank a gallon of cheap wine before she sat next to me for an hour and breathed through her mouth.

Mr. M is finally home - which I am terribly greatful for. He's my rock - and I need him now so badly. I get myself in a tizzy over unimportant details or worse - things I can't control. Several times he's had to remind me "big picture". Which is when I need to take a deep breath step back and remember that I'm going to marry this man regardless of if the table numbers are displayed correctly at the reception.

Keep Your Hands and Legs Inside the Ride At All Times

The wedding is a mere week away at this point and with Mr.M being gone all week I’ve been an absolute psychotic woman. One day I’m getting teary eyed trying to memorize my vows the next I’m sobbing because OMG I just know that I’m not really pregnant or worse I will lose the child.

My uncle’s girlfriend called me the other night. I don’t want to give the impression that we are close by any means. We see each other at holidays and family gatherings but I don’t have her email address and we have never spoken on the phone. They’ve been dating for about 2 years I think.

She owns her own photography studio and does a LOT of studio work. I had asked my uncle if she would be up for taking some candid black and white shots while the girls are getting ready. She apologized because she thinks she’s not going to be able to make it to the wedding. Which is fine – especially when people give me enough notice to adjust the total count for the caterer.

She said that she will be picking up her daughter in Minneapolis that day at the airport and won’t be able to make it back down in time for the wedding. Also, she added, that she hasn’t been feeling so hot lately and has lost 10 pounds. Normally I’d say – 10 lbs! good for you!!! This woman, however, is extremely thin as it is and I would probably say needs to GAIN 10 lbs not lose it. I asked her what was wrong – has she had the flu?

She said she had a miscarriage a week ago and it was hitting her pretty hard.

My stomach was in my throat as I squeaked out a “oh I’m so sorry”. She said it wasn’t her first – she’s had 5 miscarriages, 2 now with my uncle. Which – RED FLAG – you’re trying to have kids??? This guy is a bachelor for life – he’s nearly 50 and is not and never was interested in marriage or kids. I tried to hold it together and asked her if her OB and her and figured out why she’s having trouble carrying to term. Apparently she can’t produce progesterone on her own and needs to basically know immediately when she is pregnant so she can start taking supplements. If she takes it too soon her body won’t allow her to get pregnant – it’s a nasty catch 22.

I asked her how far along she was and she said 5 weeks.

5 weeks

The exact place I was a week ago.

I asked her if she was experiencing any morning sickness and she said no. That she knows when she’s not going to keep the baby because she doesn’t get sick.

I haven’t gotten sick.

I found the best way I could to exit the phone call and called Mr. M in a panic. He was at a business dinner in Vegas and was unable to calm me. He said they were waiting for him and the server had just come to take orders, and “can you hang on baby – I promise we’ll talk about this in a few hours, just think positive.”

I called my lovely friend and bridesmaid Jessie. She soothed me and gave me an over the phone petting of the hair. She said, “you can’t control this Suz, it’s one of the many things you’re going to have to just let happen.” She’s right. I am a control freak – I will do it myself even if I run myself ragged just so I know it’s done right. I’m a project manager! Project managers are full of neurosis – it’s practically in the job description.

At the beginning of the call I was sobbing – at the end my stomach hurt from laughing so hard. These women who hold me up are more than I ever thought I deserved and way more than I ever thought I’d get to have.

So it’s been a tough week – but I survived it. Mr.M is getting off the plane at 9:35 tonight. My boss is throwing me yet another shower after work. It’s meant to be a happy hour celebration – so that’ll be interesting. Another stealthful operation of NA drinks. I’d like to get married now please.

Support

When I woke up this morning there was a little note from Mr. M on my Instand Messenger.

Mr.M: G'night baby... don't worry... this is going to be the beginning of the most awesomest of all awesomeness.

Mr. M: I love you... I love you... and I can't wait to come home.

If there was any doubt that I was marrying the right man - that just sealed the deal. Not that there was any doubt of course - I couldn't ask for anything more.

I've been googling like a mad woman about why I haven't experienced any morning sickness. Of course that scared the shit out of me. I found things that said if you don't experience morning sickness you're more likely to miscarry. GAH! Now I'm freaking. Then I found other websites that said there was no correlation or that there were equally as many studies that dissproved that theory.

I'm coming to the end of my 6th week. I do have the sore boobs and peeing every second. I have discharge (which eeeeeewww!) but nothing else really. I feel fuzzy headed and have been a bit constipated. I feel like once I get the morning sickness I'll feel like I'm really pregnant.

Or - maybe God is just watching over me and making sure that I'm not yacking over a toilet on my wedding day. In which case, thank you God, you ROCK!

Most of all I'd like to thank all of you who have left encouraging words. It means so very much to me that complete strangers reach out to give me a hug and a "don't worry sweety" because I sure do need it.

You'll Understand Someday

I don't even really know what to say right now. I'm in the hugest shock of my life. The bachelorette party was so anxiety ridden I was gagging in the toilet at 10:30 and I hadn't drank a drop.

I was so worried about how to handle the bachelorette - with good reason. I didn't want to tell people that I was pregnant, not yet at least. What made it more difficult is that I had my boss there, my sister, my step-mom, and my dad showed later in the night. My family and my work on the people I want to save from telling them this early.

I want to be able to celebrate my wedding day for what it is - a marriage to the man of my dreams, the man of my life. I don't want it to be about a baby, not yet. I'm happy, I really am - I'm just too stressed to deal with it right now.

I told my two best girlfriends because they knew I was late on my period and were calling me daily for an update. I also desperately need their support and encouragement. We came up with a plan at our impromptu lunch on Saturday. We decided that whatever bar/restaurant we ended up at they would snag the bartender/server away from where everyone was and tell them that the girl with the tiara gets NA drinks - no matter what she orders.

Throughout the evening I had 2 vodka tonics (sprite w/lime), 2 vodka cranberries (cranberry w/tonic water), and a lemon drop shot (exceedingly sweet lemonade). My sister was so dissappointed in me because I got tired at 11 and wanted to go home to Mr.M. All I could say to her was "you'll understand someday". Which pissed her off more because she thought I was saying that she would understand when she gets married. Like I was being incredibly condescending.

The truth is - I'm anxiety ridden. Mr. M is in vegas for a work convention and has been gone since Sunday morning at 4:00 am. My boobs hurt, my stomach has been squeezing the life out of me, and I've had some SERIOUS diarrhea. Sorry, I'm sure that's TMI. My nipples are constantly hard and hurt like hell. I called the Dr. hoping to be able to get an appt to confirm the pregnancy. They said they don't usually see people till 10 - 12 weeks because then they can hear a heartbeat at that time.

HEARTBEAT?!?

HOLY CRAP PEOPLE. Please tell me I'm not the only woman who has ever felt this way. I feel like I'm the only one who has found out they were pregnant BEFORE the morning sickness started. I'm having trouble breathing and I'm having even more trouble thinking. Every thought of everyday is dominated by pregnancy or wedding.

I know I'll survive but this is so un-believeable.

Up The Duff

I couldn't wait till next week. NATCH.

Mr. M couldn't wait either.

Guess I won't be drinking at tomorrow nights bachelorette party.

Iron Flop

Tonight we had tickets to a fundraising event at the very posh hotel downtown. It was supposed to be a spin-off of Iron Chef. 5 local "celebrity" chefs, 3 judges, and 1 secret ingredient. We would looking forward to it. I even dressed up - as I take every opportunity to wear heels since I don't wear them in day to day life.

We got there and I immediately realized I was overdressed. Everyone else was in nice dark washed jeans and cute little cropped blazer type things. Oh well - I don't mind standing out. Then the lines started forming. We quickly realized that whomever planned this even had over booked. HUGE.

We finally got up to the ballroom level after an anxiety ridden stuffy elevator ride. It was standing room only and you had to literally jocky for position to taste all the different little tapas type things the various local restaurants were handing out. We did ok - and had some tasty treats along the way. My favorite was the mini croque monsieurs - they were fresh off the panin grill and deeee-licious. There was free beer but nobody could get drunk because once you got a beer you'd have to get right back in the line again if you wanted to be able to have another drink within 30 minutes of your last.

The "Iron Chef" part of the evening was the most disappointing. There were mobs of people standing in front of the center chefs ring of cooks. You couldn't see them let alone how/what they were cooking. We had heard that the secret ingredient was lobster - but only the judges would get to taste it anyway - so why tempt yourself.

We ate until we were semi-full not stuffed and decided to leave - the crowds were just too overwhelming. Ok food, bad planning, and definitely too many tickets sold. At least we know they raised a ton of money for local charities - I'm happy about that.

Oh - and fuck the great wipe fest of 2006 - I'm obviously NOT getting a period ever.again.

endrant.

Bridezilla

I watch the "Bridezilla" television show from time to time when nothing else is on. It's usually on non-stop every weekend and makes for a nice mindless hour of tv. Sometimes I'm so annoyed with the Bridezilla that I have to turn it off. Or the sound of their voice is so grating I find my shoulders tense. Or - like the last one I saw - the chick was freaking out so bad I found myself trying to do meditative breathing FOR her and I didn't notice till Mr. M said "why do you keep sighing, and what the hell are you watching!?"

I see these women freaking out and think - oh no that will never be me, that woman is out of her mind. Then I punch myself in the face for being a jack ass.

Today was the first day I got "nervous" about the wedding. I got 3 calls at work about things that needed to be nailed down. The church secretary called about the times and names of the people that will be signing the marriage license. I attempted to call the people who are catering the grooms dinner - they emailed earlier in the week. The organist needs final music lists. About mid-afternoon I realized I was getting that anxious feeling. You know where you feel like an elephant is sitting on your chest and all you can get are shallow breaths?

I'm not nervous about my marriage - I'm excited about that. I'm just nervous about the event. I have to step back many times and remind myself to focus on the big picture. It doesn't matter if the seating chart is done - people will find seats just fine. It doesn't matter if they haven't RSVP'd - the caterer will figure it out. It's not a big deal if the program has the same design as the invitations - it doesn't even matter if you HAVE a bulletin in the first place.

Breath.

What matters is that I'm pledging the rest.of.my.life. to a man I love dearly and respect greatly. Now - if I could just put that into words - I may have written my vows by now - no luck there either.

On top of the wedding stress that is creeping up - the great wipe-fest of 2006 is in full affect. I've given up going to the bathroom every five seconds and resigned myself to the fact that I'm not getting my period. I am not however, peeing on a stick until Sunday. My friends will come over and we will have a super secret POS (pee on a stick) party. Mr. M will be in vegas and I just have to know. Once I know, hopefully I'll be calmer about the situation.

The bachelorette is this weekend - lots of interesting pictures are bound to stem out of that. Should be a good time - and remind me of the old days with the girls when we all weren't married with kids.

More importantly I'll be sure to give you shot of the pee stick - now doesn't that sound lovely!

Don't Wanna Work No More

I have no interest in work. None. I'm completely distracted when I'm there - merely surfing the web or reading blogs. I rarely do actual work. When I am finally given a task that needs to be completed, I finish it quickly (I'm cursed with speed) and then doddle for another hour so as not to lead people to believe that I do indeed work fast.

This was something I learned right after college. I started noticing that the faster I worked - the more work was given to me. The better I did something - the more responsibility followed. I also should mention that a pay raise never seemed to go hand in hand with the responsibility. Frustrating as that was - I developed a strategy.

I don't want to seem like a slacker - because I am not. I really learn quickly and complete tasks quickly. I'm a wiz at all things excel related and can usually whip up some pretty professional report in a short amount of time. I'm a good worker - I just prefer to keep my head low. This is unlike my personal life in so many ways. I'm the middle child - I LOVE attention. I was in theater most of my life, sang in choirs and bands, participated in politics and student goverment. I love being noticed. I just don't love it at work.

When you get noticed at work - people coin you with things like "fast track", "over-achiever", "amazing attention to detail". When you recieve these "compliments" as a kid out of college you think - I'm doing it, I'm impressing them!!! YES! Then you start doing their work for them. You start working 12 hour days and busting your ass. You start getting put on committees because you're "excellent at organization." You figure out quickly that you aren't getting any more money and your bosses and their bosses are getting fat bonuses while you wallow in the dregs turning out "great work". Your hard work is paying for their new audi's and vacations to Italy.

This may all seem very selfish and bitter - but lets face it, it's true. At least when you work for a publicly traded company like I do that has branches all over the world. I've worked for the small companies - the mom and pop shops - they're different of course. But then again - you deal with a bit of un-professionalism and sometimes it's nice to be one of a crowd instead of the 1 go-to-girl.

Basically to sum up my rambling post - I'm tired of working. I'd like to retire now please. I know I know - I'm only 27 but really - I feel I've put my time in. I'll be in Arizona playing bridge with the over 60 crowd if you need me.

Not Gonna Do It

The great wipe-fest of 2006 continues for me. No signs of my period and no normal PMS symptoms either except for huge tender boobs and sore butt muscles for some reason. I think that's from driving 6 hours on Sunday though.

I had to have Mr. M hide the lone pregnancy test that I had in the bathroom drawer. I don't want to know - not yet at least. I think my body will tell me whats going on in due time and I would like to enjoy my wedding first.

Look how stable and responsible I just sounded. Did you believe me?? Because it was total crap. I'm crawling up the walls. I can't concentrate at work - probably because I spend 1/2 my day in the bathroom searching for blood.

The truth is - I'm scared.

I'm feeling like doesn't anybody realize I'm too young to get married and have kids!?! I'm only 15 years old!!! Hehehe - I'm a 27 year old who feels 15, take that on Dr. Phil! I also am very scared of needles and pain. I know that once I get pregnant I'm heading towards some of the most severe pain I will ever feel in my life. I realize that I will get the joy of a child at the end of the pain - and yada yada yada people always say you forget the pain. I am a special case. I have panic attacks when nurses try to draw blood - I'm screwed.

I'm scared I'll end up being a mother like mine was. My mother was great with babies and toddlers. Very good at creating structure and learning development. She wasn't very good at affection though. Hugs felt forced, we weren't supposed to touch her hair or any part of her really. She was very selfish about her "things". She grew up the oldest of 5 and developed some huge issues with "her stuff". Don't use mom's hairbrush, don't use her makeup, and if you want to live till tomorrow don't you DARE use her hair products.

I distinctly remember a camping trip when I was 14. I had gotten my period in the middle of the night and bled pretty badly through my pajamas. I had VERY heavy periods when I was a teen - one of the reasons I went on the pill at 18. My mother said to me, "Didn't you KNOW you were going to get your period?!? You need to plan better!" She gave me one pad and told me that was all I could have until we had a chance to go to the store. She had more things - but said that she had packed them for herself because SHE plans ahead. I was mortified. I had to walk to the bathroom that was pretty far from our campsite in bloody pajamas holding my thin little panty liner knowing full well I'd soak through that in about 15 minutes. I managed to find some change hoping that there would be a machine in the bathroom - thank god there was.

I hate that story. I hate that it happened to me but more importantly I want to go to my 14 year old self and wrap my arms around her. Tell her she'll be just fine, run and get her whatever she needs, bring her a plastic bag for her jammies and a clean change of underwear and clothing to walk to the bathroom in. I want to walk with her to the bathroom and wash out her stained clothes in the sink while she showers to feel clean and healthy. I want to not be that mother that makes her daughter feel unclean or stupid. I want my daughter to feel safe with me in the most vulnerable of situations.

I fear that I will resort to my mothers ways - I feel the tendencies right under my skin in the back of my throat waiting to lash out with hurtful words. I feel it with Mr. M I feel it when I'm with my siblings... I feel it and it scares me.

For now - I wait, I hope, I fear, and I pray.

Menstruation.... eeeewwww

I came from a family with very sensitive males. I've seen both my father and brother cry on more than one occasion - and it wasn't necessarily a sad one. My father especially was never left out of any conversation because it was about "girl stuff". In fact - he would on many occasions go and get our tampons at the drug store when there was an emergency. Emergency = all three women in your home having their period at the same time - two of which are teenagers. YIKES.

There was no topic that was off limits for dad. We talked freely about heavy flow, light flow, cramps, tampon sizes, and in my sisters case ovarian cysts. He didn't flinch. He took my sister to the ER more than one time because she was doubled over in pain from the cyst that had decided to place itself on her ovary and make it nearly impossible to bear the cramps.

I remember distinctly that dad was very angry that the Dr. tried to brush him off by saying "Sir you wouldn't understand - it's woman problems" when dad asked about my sisters diagnoses.

That being said it's a wonder I ended up with the most squeamish man alive when it comes to all things female related. Period a little heavy?? Please don't mention it. Cramps unbearable?? That's fine - just don't say why. Need a tampon and you're in the downstairs bathroom??? He'd rather have bamboo shoots drove into his fingernails than here you ask for one. It skeeves him out heavily to hear anything related to menstruation or vaginas. He jokes that when we have children he'll be in the lobby handing out cigars. I laugh - because I know there AIN'T NO DAMN WAY that is gonna happen.

My period was due yesterday (I've been tracking my cycles and been off the pill since May) according to my average 27 day cycle. We did play "maybe baby" twice this month - both during likely ovulation times. We're of the belief that at this point it would be great to get pregnant and get a month jump start - he is forty ya know, times a wastin.

So I've been on panty patrol since yesterday. Wiping like a finatic. Inspecting closely - is that blood?? is there a drop there??

I made the mistake of muttering this to myself when I snapped off the light in the bathroom. All I said was "jeeeez I've become an insane wiper." He gave me the hand in the air gesture of PLEASE GOD I don't want to know.

This worries me for a few reasons. The first being that I want my future daughters (possibly) to be able to have the same comfort level with their dad as I did with mine. I am also quite concerned about his skeeve threshold when I actually do get pregnant or give birth. If he can't even touch a tampon what is the likelihood that he'll be able to grab my foot and help me push a bowling ball out of the lime sized opening that is my birth canal.

Guess only time will tell.

Oh - and I'll keep you updated on the great wiping frenzy of 2006 but I've made the decision to not pee on a stick till after the wedding. (3! weeks)

Deafening Quiet

Sometimes people can feel like their vote doesn't count. Like their voices aren't heard in a crowd. As if what they have to say isn't important.

I on the other hand have never felt that way. I've shouted in crowds and pounded doors with patent leather mary janes to make myself heard.

We had this IT guy in the office. He would YELL on his little blue tooth thingy on conference calls. He would talk to himself for HOURS. Full conversations with himself as he wandered the halls through the cubicles.

I got an ipod

I turned it up

LOUDER

and LOUDER

Still I couldn't drown out his voice.

One day I hit a wall.

I emailed my boss and said that I would offer to move cube locations and do whatever was necessary because I couldn't take it anymore.

Guess what happened last week?????

Mr IT guy was offered a lovely back corner office all by himself!

Hear that????

silence.

Go out and vote people - your voice counts.

The Goblins

The Halloween evening for us is always fun. We live in a cozy little neighborhood that is well lit. The houses are close together and the blocks are square. The sidewalks are wide and the leaves have been swept away.

Mr. M was especially looking forward to the Halloween festivities because this was his first year being home and not traveling for work. In the almost 3 years since we’ve owned this house I’ve been doing the candy handouts solo. Which I don’t mind – I get a kick out of it.

We turned on our Halloween CD that is a compilation of scary orchestral and organ pieces from numerous operas and other odds and ends. No “Monster Mash” at our house thank you very much. The jack-o-lanterns were lit and the candy cauldron full to the brim.

In general we get approximately 50 – 75 kids. So we have to get about 10 bags of candy because we’re “handful people” not “pick one people”. I just can’t handle the sad little plunk of one piece of candy in the bag. I like the impact of CURRRRRPLUNK of about 4 – 8 pieces.

I’ve noticed a trend over the years with trick-or-treaters. Generally around 5:30 we get the little teenie tiny goblins with the fairy wings and the insulated pumpkin costumes. With their rosie cheeks and noses you could just eat them up they are so adorable. I love the 5:30 goblins – they rock.

Then around 7:00 we get the 8 – 12 year old goblins with the scary witch costumes or the “fart-o-meter” costume. Which, yes, I really did have one of those. They’re having a good time. I don’t mind them and they are always very polite. This crowd loves the music we play. They always say “Is it your house that has the music? Where is it coming from? COOOL!” Rock on 7:00 goblins.

At about 8:00 I’m eyeing the clock trying to decide whether or not I should turn off the lights – even though I have candy left. I don’t like giving candy to the 15+ group. Unless, they are fully costumed – then by all means have a handful. The voices start to get lower the costumes start looking strangely like the clothes they wore to school that day. I was standing at the door calling out the outfits I saw to Mr. M. I said, “We have a witch, a scary face guy, a errrr ummmm workout person, and ummm errr a skateboarder with no candy bag. Who by the way, opened the front pocket on his hoodie sweatshirt so I could drop the candy in.

My hand stopped mid-air:
Me: where’s your bag?
Skater Dude: On my back (pointing to obviously his school backpack)
Me: why aren’t you holding it out then?
Skater Dude: It’s too much work to take it off everytime (as he takes his bag off his back relunctantly)
Me: Well – I don’t think I put candy into sweatshirt pockets so you better think of something.
Skater Dude: (wrestles with the zipper on his bag that just won’t seem to open all the way for some reason – maybe because he’s hiding the toilet paper in their for when he trashes my house later)
Me: (drops one piece of crappy peanut butter taffy chew into his cavernous backpack through an opening that isn’t big enough for a tootsie roll.)
Me: get yourself a bag and a costume or don’t bother
Skater Dude: (Shrugs and runs off to his friends that deserted him at the bitchy old hag’s house)

If you don’t want to dress up anymore because you think it’s “childish” or “dumb” then don’t trick-or-treat. Really, it’s no fun for anybody when you ruin it for the little kids. Also, I’ve found it is WAY more fun to experience Halloween as an adult. The little goblins come to YOU in the warmth of your own home while you eat bags and bags of your own candy. I mean, I didn’t do that or anything, I’m just saying.