Not Gonna Do It

The great wipe-fest of 2006 continues for me. No signs of my period and no normal PMS symptoms either except for huge tender boobs and sore butt muscles for some reason. I think that's from driving 6 hours on Sunday though.

I had to have Mr. M hide the lone pregnancy test that I had in the bathroom drawer. I don't want to know - not yet at least. I think my body will tell me whats going on in due time and I would like to enjoy my wedding first.

Look how stable and responsible I just sounded. Did you believe me?? Because it was total crap. I'm crawling up the walls. I can't concentrate at work - probably because I spend 1/2 my day in the bathroom searching for blood.

The truth is - I'm scared.

I'm feeling like doesn't anybody realize I'm too young to get married and have kids!?! I'm only 15 years old!!! Hehehe - I'm a 27 year old who feels 15, take that on Dr. Phil! I also am very scared of needles and pain. I know that once I get pregnant I'm heading towards some of the most severe pain I will ever feel in my life. I realize that I will get the joy of a child at the end of the pain - and yada yada yada people always say you forget the pain. I am a special case. I have panic attacks when nurses try to draw blood - I'm screwed.

I'm scared I'll end up being a mother like mine was. My mother was great with babies and toddlers. Very good at creating structure and learning development. She wasn't very good at affection though. Hugs felt forced, we weren't supposed to touch her hair or any part of her really. She was very selfish about her "things". She grew up the oldest of 5 and developed some huge issues with "her stuff". Don't use mom's hairbrush, don't use her makeup, and if you want to live till tomorrow don't you DARE use her hair products.

I distinctly remember a camping trip when I was 14. I had gotten my period in the middle of the night and bled pretty badly through my pajamas. I had VERY heavy periods when I was a teen - one of the reasons I went on the pill at 18. My mother said to me, "Didn't you KNOW you were going to get your period?!? You need to plan better!" She gave me one pad and told me that was all I could have until we had a chance to go to the store. She had more things - but said that she had packed them for herself because SHE plans ahead. I was mortified. I had to walk to the bathroom that was pretty far from our campsite in bloody pajamas holding my thin little panty liner knowing full well I'd soak through that in about 15 minutes. I managed to find some change hoping that there would be a machine in the bathroom - thank god there was.

I hate that story. I hate that it happened to me but more importantly I want to go to my 14 year old self and wrap my arms around her. Tell her she'll be just fine, run and get her whatever she needs, bring her a plastic bag for her jammies and a clean change of underwear and clothing to walk to the bathroom in. I want to walk with her to the bathroom and wash out her stained clothes in the sink while she showers to feel clean and healthy. I want to not be that mother that makes her daughter feel unclean or stupid. I want my daughter to feel safe with me in the most vulnerable of situations.

I fear that I will resort to my mothers ways - I feel the tendencies right under my skin in the back of my throat waiting to lash out with hurtful words. I feel it with Mr. M I feel it when I'm with my siblings... I feel it and it scares me.

For now - I wait, I hope, I fear, and I pray.