The Fat Lady Wagon

I'm pondering getting on the wagon.

Not the "I'm an alcoholic now I'm gonna be sober wagon"

Nope.

The "I'm a fat lady and gonna go on weightwatchers wagon"

Ok Ok... I know I know... "You're not fat!" "there are so many women who WANT to be your weight!?"

So save that speech, will ya!?!

I'm 154 pounds as of this morning. I got down to 150 last week. SO who knows why I'm up again... could be that we've had an issue with Dairy Queen this week..mmmm Dairy Queen.

So I'm gonna give it a shot. For 30 days. No I'm not signing up, no I'm not going to meetings. They would laugh me right out of the joint since I'm at most of those women's "goal weight". I want to be 135. 15 pounds... that's not insane.

I'm starting Friday. I have the books, I get 22 points a day.

Shit, this is going to suck a big giant ass.

Dirt Under My Nails

If you've stopped by my blog anytime in say... the last 3 months or so you'd probably think I'm a big smitten kitten. In love and happy and nothing ever goes wrong in our happy little home. You would be right if you were talking about these last three months. We've had a recent swell of love for eachother. Our lives had seemingly been skipping along in tandem and it was absolutely amazing. The feeling like I had nothing to worry about, I was safe, I was secure, I wasn't needy or jealous... he was mine. He was talking about marriage and children like he never had in the past. I wouldn't even bring it up... it was him who was playing the "what if" game. I would sigh big deep heavy sighs as I was trying to breath in all of the goodness I was feeling.
I found this weekend... it was starting to slip away. I feel like I am falling down a hole and I'm holding on with all my might to keep that happy feeling. I'm scratching and clawing to just stay in the warmth of the last few months. It's falling away... I can feel it.
My brain has been swirling. All day yesterday and today. I don't know why it started. I kept telling myself, "why aren't you happy today, what's WRONG with you!" He even took the day off to spend it with me and I turned into a royal bitch. It was like what was happening inside my brain wasn't translating to my mouth and the most awful stuff would just fly out. I even called him an asshole!! We vowed we'd never swear at one another especially name calling. I hurt him. I know I did. I hurt me. I hurt us.
Then I went to help Dad move and my sister had that damn "He's just not that into you" book. I think it's a good book for those girls in the dating world that aren't getting called back and aren't understanding why their guy doesn't want to be "exclusive" etc etc. Problem is... my sister played on my insecurities yesterday. She turned to the chapter about marriage. She read a passage that could have been my doubting unconscious speaking word for word. She said, "if he says he's not into marriage, or thinks he'll never get married, what he's really saying is he's not into marrying YOU and he'll never marry YOU!" Those words reverberated off of every chasm of my heart.
I became obsessed with this stupid sentence replaying in my brain over and over again. Trying to find his words from the past three months that could soothe my fears. I came home and told him about the "book reading". I told him about the sentence. I came to him pleading for him to make it better, tell me this isn't what you mean, please. He was on the defensive. He doesn't like to be pressured... who does!? He doesn't like to be backed into corners and I was doing just that. All because of my psyche rearing it's ugly head. He said, "well yes, of course if someone says they probably won't get married ever then that would logically mean, they won't ever marry YOU." I prodded a bit more... He responded with, "it's not personal, if I say I'm not into marriage, it doesn't mean JUST with you, it means with her and her and her and her... everyone." I felt near tears.
I then said, "I believe you to be honest, and I KNOW that if you felt as if you didn't want to marry me, be it in the near or far future, that you would say so and leave." He said yes, that I was correct. More importantly he said that he's forty years old and at this point in his life if he felt as if I wasn't marrying material that he'd have moved on a year ago. I wouldn't be living with him sharing a home if he felt he would never marry me. This put me at ease... for a bit.
I know all this crap is totally due to me and my obsessively spiraling mind. I want to shut it off. It was so much more peaceful when I was not allowing my brain to take this path.
I've also decided... that I want to go off birth control. I'm sick of putting these chemicals in my body. I'm worried it's causing these giant mood swings and I'd like to see how it feels to be chemical free. I have been on them for 8 years and I think it's time to take a breather. Maybe six months, maybe a year, maybe forever. I just want to feel like my whole self and have no one to blame for my craziness but me.

Its Time

I knew this day would come but I have decided that it is time I explain just what exactly happened at my last job that made me refer to it as "evil". The reason for this feeling that the time is now is due to Helen's sad tale today. I feel it's important to tell my story because I want to tell women that they don't have to put up with sexual harrassment at work. Whether they just make sexist comments or they give you uncomfortable brushes in the hallway you do not have to work in that environment.

My story starts in fall of 2003 when I was working as a card dealer, I had just graduated from college and I was anxious to leave the gaming industry. Mostly because I wanted to use my education and I felt as if my brain was turning to mush with the lack of stimulation. Not to mention the small fact that I was getting pretty friendly with my boss (aka. Mr. M).

I went on a leave of absence with the goal of finding another job in 6 weeks. I was desperate at this point and I got an interview with a company (lets call them Hair Co.). The first interview was normal, the lady interviewing me seemed normal. Something strange was that I heard loud singing in one of the offices but I thought it was actually kinda fun and cool that someone would be belting at the top of their lungs in an office (it was a male voice).

I got called for a second interview. During which there were 3 total people interviewing me. They asked me things like, what kind of shoes are you wearing, what kind of music do you like, and other things. At the time I thought once again that it was relaxed and cool. What I didn't know was that these were giant red flags glaring at me.

I started within two weeks. Extremely underpaid even for entry level. 28.5K. Which was a 20K drop in pay from what I was making dealing cards. In my first 2 weeks I didn't have anything to do. No one had prepared for my arrival. No computer... nothing.

That was beginning of a downward spiral. The president of the company, a 60 year old man, who's wife was the co-owner of the company along with her brother, was inappropriate to say the least. He said things and did things that most bosses/CEO's wouldn't even THINK about. Slapping customer service girl's asses. Giving backrubs. He used to bitch about his wife in our morning meetings, called "coffee clutches". If you didn't go to "coffee clutch" you were "acting too good for them". In these meetings you were expected to bash your spouse or significant other as they all did. I was in a new relationship with my Mr. M and didn't have one bad thing to say. They used to try and pull stuff out of me. Create conflict or point out his shortcomings so I would bitch too. I couldn't do it, I loved him.

One time the president (who is already a close talker) cornered me in my cube. I kept backing up he kept inching forward. And since I'm a confident balls to the wall kinda girl I yelled, "DON'T EVER BACK ME INTO MY CUBE!!". He laughed and tried to blow it off. He never from that point on did that to me again.

The year went on and I half heartedly looked for other jobs because the pay sucked and the place had no future. I won an award at the yearly conference for having a kick ass sales program. That night two customer service girls (who were my friends)came to me and sobbingly told me that the 60 year old president had sexually assaulted both of them. One he had raped and the other he had put his hands down her pants in the back of a limosine the night before.

I got them a lawyer the next day. I reported it to the lesser of all evils the brother in law co-owner of the company. He didn't take it the way I had hoped he would. He simply told the girls that they could go home and take the rest of the day off and that he had to talk to "some people" about what to do next.

I went back to the office and the president left to meet the brother in law. He didn't come back that day. It was like wild fire.. it spread so fast. My boss the vice president of the company pulled me into her office and closed the door. She told me I had to stop it now. She told me they were lying and wanted his money. She told me that if I didn't stop this it would hurt me more than anyone else.

Everyday for the next month I search like hell for a job. I also got retaliated against on a daily basis. Sworn at, yelled at, ignored, job's taken away from me, tasks allocated to other people, close door meetings regarding work that I do without me.

In total 7 people left a company of 25. Nothing was ever done about the president. He was merely repremanded and the whole company had to take sexual harrassment classes. The lawsuit is still pending. Everyone that has testimony against him are slowly dropping off the face of the earth. In one case, there is a guy who actually SAW the president come to a bar and meet the girls (they did NOT invite him)he tried to get them drunk and tried to slap asses etc. That guy who saw him do those things, is now dating the president's niece. Convenient isn't it?

I got a job finally after a month of going home from work and crying everyday. When I gave my two weeks notice they told me not to bother coming in for the two weeks and that they'd pay me for those two weeks if I didn't come in. They wanted me as far away from the company as possible.

So for all of you women out there who are experiencing this in your work places. Or are being told that this is a "man's world". Or having sexual innuendos thrown in your direction. Please... don't let it happen. I didn't say anything more after I saw him doing things I knew weren't right. If I would have stopped the small stuff from the first time I saw it then these girls may not have ever been touched in this way.

It's not over, it's not in the past. These things still happen.

Setting Myself Up For Tough Choices

I sent a resume and cover letter out today.

I know I know.. But you love your job!! everyone is screaming at their computers right now. I had to though. I just couldn't not do it, because I would be asking myself forever "what if" if I didn't at least cast my line in to the water.

It's for a job that I'm probably not entirely qualified for but I think I have something that no one else would have who would apply for the job. I have the best of both worlds.

It's for a casino Advertising and Promotions Manager. And who better to do that but someone who, like me, has experience in gaming and marketing?

A little bird told me what the salary is and let's just say it's substantially more than I make now. And let's also just say that I wash that little birds underwear every weekend so I have a bit of an "in" if you will. That little bird happens to work there, but at least we would be in different departments if I were to be hired. Which totally won't even happen.

They are looking for someone who has 3 years marketing experience. I have 2 years. They are looking for someone who has supervisory experience... I technically do but not in the sense that people report to me within my company. When I run projects several people report to me... sometimes close to 25 sites but I employ them... they don't work within my company. They also want someone who has experience in promotions and buying advertising. While I have written some marketing collateral in my day and also created promotions for a company which were then sold on the shelves to people like you. I really only did that maybe twice tops where it was my own project.

I know I'm setting myself up for some hard choices. Like what if I do get an interview, do I go? Of course I go. Then what if by some odd chance they offer me the job??? Do I quit the job I have now that I love and leave the boss that I love? Do I leave for more money? More importantly do I work at the same company that my significant other works at?

I should also mention that the gaming experience I have was at this company. I actually worked for them 2 years ago as a card dealer. Sticky situation eh? Could be a good thing, could also suck.

Updates to come as I know more.

I ROCK!

And for those of you who are Guffawing at my title to this post... I give you. An email from the manager (with necessary confidentiality editing):

I just wanted to thank you for taking over, managing and organizing the BigGiant Study and doing all the site visits, for handling the 2 big Cahoona projects with all the wacky quotas, for being here for 2 days by yourself and handling it, and most importantly for monitoring studies on 2 (if not more) weekends for the BigGiant Study and the Dinkytest Study.

THANKS SO MUCH! I really appreciate your quick learning and proactively taking on and successfully managing so many additional tasks!
Keep up the great work!
BIGBOSS

I Am Starbuck's Bitch

I have gone probably 2! months without my coveted White Chocolate Mocha in the morning. I broke the short lived habit and felt that I had conquered the Starbuck's craving like so many other suburban corporate woman around me struggle to do.

I proclaimed to the heaven's! I AM NOT STARBUCK's BITCH.

I will not buy their cream cheese danish laden with sweet cheesy goodness!

I will not accept Michael Buble as my Lord and Personal savior nor the other many CD artists who line their counters!

I will NOT be drawn to them like a moth towards light in the morning for white chocolatey coffee with whipped creamy salivating yumminess!

Until, I shoot straight awake at 8:00AM on a work day (the time I usually LEAVE the house)fold clothes from dryer, get dressed, have a bad hair day, rub aloe on my still sunburned skin, run out the door in the rain, and drive to work in traffic.

Then... and only then ... I will become Starbuck's bitch again.

endrant.

The Pang of Pain Forgotten

Email from brother:

Suz,
In other news I heard from Emily that she wants to tell you about something important and you are supposed to give her a call.

Email from me responding:

FUCK HER! She knows how to get ahold of me. I'm done.

---------------------

Which brings me to this post.

I called my brother after I received this email and asked about what his communication with her might have entailed to warrant such a message. After some pointed questions... he admitted that she didn't say I was supposed to give her a call but that he was trying to trick me into calling her.

Everyone seems to want me to rekindle this relationship. My question is WHY. Why must I once again do the reconnecting?? Last time I reconnected it got me no where. In fact, I've made ALL of the reconnects. I suppose she's started to figure that eventually I'll fold and make the phone call.

I told my bro that if he wants he can respond to her and if he doesn't want to he can do that too. What I told him to say if he so chooses is this: Suz doesn't know your number, your address, your cell phone #, or anything about you anymore. So if you want to tell her something, I guess that would be your responsibility to call her. Since her number hasn't changed nor her last name.

He confessed that what she really had said was that she should really call me. That she should really get around to calling me. Everyone she meets that knows me she says this same thing, " I should really call Suz, I've been meaning to call her"

Bro says that she's spineless and scared of what I might say. I'm sorry, but It's no longer my responsibility to make sure you feel comfortable Emily. You did some shitty stuff, so why don't you own up to it already. OWN IT! Own your awful passive aggressive things you've done.

Own the fact that you didn't have me in your wedding
Own the fact that you didn't have me sing at your wedding (like we always planned)
Own the fact that you didn't even INVITE me to your wedding (after a lifetime of friendship)
Own the fact that you have neglected to respond to any of my attempts for communication
Own the fact that the reason we don't talk is because of YOU
Own the fact that you have changed your name, phone number, address and everything else so how in the world would I even be able to find you?

Own the fact that you are a terrible friend and you will never again have a friend like me.

This is NOT my fault that I don't know you Emily. This is your fault pure and simple. If you have information that I need to know... like one of our mutual friends died or you're hurting or you're pregnant or you're getting divorced or WHATEVER! it's your responsibility to pick up the damn phone and dial my number.

Because you know what, Emily, ??? I will no longer be owning any of your guilt. I have enough of my own thank you.

endrant.

Chaos, Cooking, Counting Calories, and Love

As you can see by the title of this one... I have a lot to talk about and haven't posted in a while.

Lets start from the top shall we?

Chaos.
It's been absolutely nuts at work. Studies have been pushed up pushed back all lining themselves up to occur at roughly the same time. Not so bad if they don't all start at the same time. Plus two of them are tracking studies which requires a hell of a lot of agencies and preparation. I know none of this makes sense to anyone who is un-familiar with the Market Research Industry but ... the corporate world has generally the same common themes. Which brings me to the next thing. RE-ORG! My company is going through a massive re-organization, and while it seems I'll be able to retain my job and my current job location it's going to be quite hectic while shifting over to all of these new procedures and methods. Hopefully I'll still get the yearly raise come November.

Cooking.
The new range got installed on Tuesday. Mr. M was so disappointed with the situation it broke my heart. He was trying to do something really sweet for me but realized while they were installing that the new range looks like poo next to all the shitty old cupboards and linoleum floor. This lead to an impromptu trip to IKEA and some kitchen cabinet planning. They have this cool software where you can plan your whole kitchen. All you do is insert the dimensions, sink, stove, windows, and doors and then put in their cabinets wherever you want. We both made our own kitchens on separate computers when we got home and then compared the two after we were done. Interesting that our kitchens very much reflect our personalities. Mr. M's is concrete sequential no frills, everything is practical and in a straight line. Mine was abstract sequential. Everything had a purpose but it was done creatively. He liked mine...and I definitely saw the virtues of his. Guess that means we fit eh?

Counting Calories.
Well not really but it started with a "C" and it was almost true. I've finally achieved the weight I started at when I started working out way back in January. I was at 150 pounds and totally out of shape uncomfortable in my clothing and feeling awful. We started working out I promptly gained 6 pounds of what people call "muscle weight" which I thought was a load of crap and code for "fat ass". I kept at it though and I'm back to 150. It's a much healthier 150 though. My clothes feel better, I have more energy, I don't feel uncomfortable in my body like everything takes way too much energy. Hopefully the weight loss will continue and I'll get closer to my goal of 130 pounds.

Love.
This one's obvious. I love my sweet man. Just today he said, "I haven't been this happy in.... well... ever."
(swoon)

Is It Just Me?

The meeting with my freshman year roommate was yesterday. We talked about what's been happening in our lives for the last 7 years for about 3 hours. When she left, I had a bad taste in my mouth so to speak.

The reason I left my first college was complicated as I described in the previous post it was an extremely difficult time in my life. My parents, who had been married for 25 years announced there plans to divorce. I realized I was no longer the big fish I thought I was academically, musically or socially. Bigger pond = exceedingly more fish. I was in a bad place socially because I was on my radical feminist kick. I literally felt A-sexual that year. I think I even stopped masturbating. WHOA!

So I thought the reason I disliked all the girls I met that year because I was out of whack. I thought that maybe it was my depression, anxiety, and over zealous idealism that was making me feel like I was a square peg being jammed in a round hole.

After talking with Angie... I realized... It wasn't just me.

She told me about where all those girls are now and sadly... they are just where I left them. They are obsessed with shallow things like "how hot is your boyfriend, my boyfriend is totally hot" "how much did that purse cost, is it Coach?!?" "are you guys gonna start getting ready to go out tonight, it's already 2 in the afternoon!" "I just ate so much I have to go puke" etc etc. You get the picture. Not the most deep women in the world.

I remember being embarrassed to admit they were a part of my gender. Embarrassed of the statement they were making about women all over the world. That we're interested in how skinny we are, what brand of jeans we're wearing, what social status we have, and how blonde we can get our hair.

Angie confirmed for me that those things I felt that year were real. That I still feel that way, that I'm still embarrassed to share a gender group with them.

One girl's story in particular really got me. She was always the ring leader of this "cool group of girls". Although I was always a part of it something about it always made me ill. She had severe bulimia. Now I'm not knocking people who suffer from this horrible affliction, don't get me wrong. But this girl used to exploit it. She used to not hide it, like an attention thing. She used to convince others to use her same method. It was sick, and awful.

It turns out that this girl now has, fake boobs, fake nails, fake color contacts, a fake tan, and hair extensions. Sounds to me like she's so repulsed by herself that she wants to cover up everything that might be her true self.

Long story short... she married right after college, had the biggest most expensive wedding possible. She cheated on her husband for the entire first year of their marriage. She then told him she wanted a divorce and moved into another one of her groupie girl's houses. Then... a week later... her husband died in his sleep!! It was preventable if she would have been there, he may not have died. She took the life insurance check and flew to Chicago to meet her new boyfriend a week after the funeral.

This is just a taste of how shallow and awful these women are.

I then asked Angie how she can be around this girl and act like everything is ok. She looked at me seriously and flat out said, "If I stop talking to Katie, I lose all my friends, you can't pick and chose in my group of friends who you like and who you don't like."

Excuse me... but let me take this moment to thank the lord above that I was raised with enough balls to be able to not EVER have to say that sentence ever in my life. I will NEVER condone that kind of dishonesty or lack of integrity.

I told Angie to go ahead and give me a call next time she goes out and maybe I'd join. But to be honest... if any of those girls were there... I wouldn't be able to control the things that would fly out of my mouth. I pity them, I really do.

Did I mention I love my life! Just another reason to add to the pile... I was brought up with values and the knowledge that I would have to live with myself when I went to bed at night.

endrant.

Long Lost Angie

My freshman year at college was spent at Gustavus Adolphus in St. Peter Minnesota. It was a small private school in a small town with a lot of scandinavian rich kids. About 1/4 of the way through the year my parents informed us of there pending divorce.

My two siblings were shocked, I was not. I knew it was coming I just thought they might wait till my little sister was out of high school.

I began taking a lot of philosophy courses and women's studies courses. It's the longest I've ever gone without sex. I know those thing's shouldn't be a cause and effect relationship but it's true. When you're a new women's libber you are NOT interested in the dance of the dating. You are only interested in self defense courses and being a royal bitch. Which I was pretty good at.

I hated all of the girls on my dorm floor. They were blonde...every single one of them. They were plagued with eating disorders, fake tanning, and rich rich rich. I did not fit in. I got along with everyone... pretty much. I played the game. But I was outspoken and ballsy and usually the one they came to when some boy did them wrong.

It was a sea of clones... except for Angie.

Angie, thank god, was my roommate. She was not like the rest. She was not rich, she was not fake tanned, and she most definitely did not have an eating disorder. She was skinny, yes, but she was a little spitfire - she joined rugby and she's probably 110 pounds and 5 foot nothing.

She stood up to me. That's what I liked the best. She would go to the mattresses and fight like hell with me when I was being a bitch. She would yell louder and turn redder. She was awesome. I loved her for that.

When I left GAC nobody was surprised. Not even Angie. However, she was the only one to shed a tear. She was upset that I had chosen to leave her. I loved her for that too.

We lost touch because that's what I do when I leave people. I leave them mind body and soul. I never look back and never talk about them again.

Until I looked around one day and I had no more girlfriends. Well I have Nene but she's being so much of a downer lately I need someone positive in my life. The first person that came to my mind was Angie. She was always the shining light of a dark time.

So I tracked her down. Found her email address on an elumni page and hoped for the best. She emailed me back this morning and she's just as happy as I am to have found her.

We're meeting tomorrow afternoon for dessert and gossip. I can't wait.

I found my long lost Angie.

Cook Me Up Somethin...

On Tuesday my baby went out and bought me a new Kenmore 30" gas free standing range with all the bells and whistles to replace my current model which has to be something from Leave It To Beaver's era. I'm totally thrilled and already trying to think of all the things I can make.

I think I might start by baking an inaugural cake. I'm worried my cake decorating skills are fading since I haven't so much as picked up a frosting bag in over a month.

My uncle is getting married in September and he has requested that I make the cake. I'm a bit concerned about this being that I have never made a wedding cake before let alone a cake I cared about what people thought of it.

So I thought I would compile a list of possible decorating ideas

I can actually make this one

I wish I could do this

ATTACK OF THE 80's CAKE!

simple and delicate

Amazing

OH Hell NO!

What I would have at my wedding... if I had one of course

Next step, finding out what the bride actually wants. If she says anything about plastic columns and little waterfalls... I may just slit my wrists.

So Good It's Scary

Recently my relationship has been so full of love and understanding that I've been a little afraid to blog about it. It's as if I'm afraid that if I write the words that it'll end. The reason that I'm writing about it now is because... well... read the title.

Today on our way home from dinner we got on the subject of marriage. The reason the subject came up is because my father has just decided to move in with his girlfriend of two years and informed me today that if everything goes well that he would like to go to Italy with her next summer and propose.

This doesn't come as a shock because my father, like me, is always planning the next step. Funny part is - that when I stopped planning the next step is when it got so damn good.

So as we were discussing my father's need to "jump the gun" Mr. M said, "you know if I were to ask you to marry me it wouldn't be some big production."

To which I responded, "I know"

I told him that all I would require is that he didn't say, "ahhh fuck it... wanna get married?"

The only reason I say that is because in the past while joking about marriage he has mentioned that that is probably the only way he'd ever get married.

He got serious then... which is a first in this conversation. He said, "If I was suggesting marriage you would have to know that I had thought about it and decided it's what I wanted."

To which I responded, "yes, baby.. I know"

I am so calm about this. More calm and serene than I have been in my entire life. I feel as if I don't want to move forward or plan my next step because this moment right now is so gloriously happy that I fear I would be tempting fate. I want to nestle into this love and sleep in it... I want to never move from this sunny patch in the grass. I want to breath in the smells of this and hold it in my lungs.

Is this the true love that I always thought I felt? When my skin would scream and I would pull my hair out in fits. When I would yearn for them with such intensity it would scare them away? Those things were never love. They were crazy fits of passion. They were being in love with the idea of someone rather than the true fiber of their being.

I love this man down to his soul. Not the idea of him, but the reality of him. I love his integrity, his honesty, his compassion. I want to breath in the musk of his skin and kiss the softness of his lips. I love this man for pushing me to be a better version of myself. I love him for becoming a better version of himself right before my eyes.

And yet... I do not think about "what if he asks me" "when will he ask me" "how will he ask me". I honestly don't. All I can think about is holding on to this feeling until the blood rushes from my knuckles leaving them white and pulled thin. I want to feel this forever.