Monday, June 27, 2005

Dirt Under My Nails

If you've stopped by my blog anytime in say... the last 3 months or so you'd probably think I'm a big smitten kitten. In love and happy and nothing ever goes wrong in our happy little home. You would be right if you were talking about these last three months. We've had a recent swell of love for eachother. Our lives had seemingly been skipping along in tandem and it was absolutely amazing. The feeling like I had nothing to worry about, I was safe, I was secure, I wasn't needy or jealous... he was mine. He was talking about marriage and children like he never had in the past. I wouldn't even bring it up... it was him who was playing the "what if" game. I would sigh big deep heavy sighs as I was trying to breath in all of the goodness I was feeling.
I found this weekend... it was starting to slip away. I feel like I am falling down a hole and I'm holding on with all my might to keep that happy feeling. I'm scratching and clawing to just stay in the warmth of the last few months. It's falling away... I can feel it.
My brain has been swirling. All day yesterday and today. I don't know why it started. I kept telling myself, "why aren't you happy today, what's WRONG with you!" He even took the day off to spend it with me and I turned into a royal bitch. It was like what was happening inside my brain wasn't translating to my mouth and the most awful stuff would just fly out. I even called him an asshole!! We vowed we'd never swear at one another especially name calling. I hurt him. I know I did. I hurt me. I hurt us.
Then I went to help Dad move and my sister had that damn "He's just not that into you" book. I think it's a good book for those girls in the dating world that aren't getting called back and aren't understanding why their guy doesn't want to be "exclusive" etc etc. Problem is... my sister played on my insecurities yesterday. She turned to the chapter about marriage. She read a passage that could have been my doubting unconscious speaking word for word. She said, "if he says he's not into marriage, or thinks he'll never get married, what he's really saying is he's not into marrying YOU and he'll never marry YOU!" Those words reverberated off of every chasm of my heart.
I became obsessed with this stupid sentence replaying in my brain over and over again. Trying to find his words from the past three months that could soothe my fears. I came home and told him about the "book reading". I told him about the sentence. I came to him pleading for him to make it better, tell me this isn't what you mean, please. He was on the defensive. He doesn't like to be pressured... who does!? He doesn't like to be backed into corners and I was doing just that. All because of my psyche rearing it's ugly head. He said, "well yes, of course if someone says they probably won't get married ever then that would logically mean, they won't ever marry YOU." I prodded a bit more... He responded with, "it's not personal, if I say I'm not into marriage, it doesn't mean JUST with you, it means with her and her and her and her... everyone." I felt near tears.
I then said, "I believe you to be honest, and I KNOW that if you felt as if you didn't want to marry me, be it in the near or far future, that you would say so and leave." He said yes, that I was correct. More importantly he said that he's forty years old and at this point in his life if he felt as if I wasn't marrying material that he'd have moved on a year ago. I wouldn't be living with him sharing a home if he felt he would never marry me. This put me at ease... for a bit.
I know all this crap is totally due to me and my obsessively spiraling mind. I want to shut it off. It was so much more peaceful when I was not allowing my brain to take this path.
I've also decided... that I want to go off birth control. I'm sick of putting these chemicals in my body. I'm worried it's causing these giant mood swings and I'd like to see how it feels to be chemical free. I have been on them for 8 years and I think it's time to take a breather. Maybe six months, maybe a year, maybe forever. I just want to feel like my whole self and have no one to blame for my craziness but me.


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