"P" is for Pressure

My father has lived on a pedestal in my life always.

I care what he says...

I care so much that it affects me physically.

Tonight me and Nene had dinner with Dad. We got to talking about relationships etc. as we usually do. Dad seemed a little edgier than usual. He's a counselor by trade so he's usually quiet takes all you have to say in and then asks you questions in response.

Tonight was different. I don't know how we got on the subject but he just blurts out, "I'm getting irritated with Mr. M"

I felt like their was an ice cube in my stomach. I said, irritated about what?

His body language started to look like he did the handful of times he got angry when we were growing up.

He said, "It's TIME"

what? time for what?

He said, "All I'm going to say is it's TIME"

Then he went on... saying that he's not getting any younger, that Mr. M is not getting any younger. That it's time for Mr. M to propose.

Exccuuuuse me, but WTF!

I started shaking but I think I hid it from both Dad and Nene pretty well.

This is the culmination of pressure I've been getting from my family about this. I've heard it from Grandma, Grandpa, Mom, Step-Dad, and now Dad.

What do they expect me to do? It isn't MY choice that it's happening this way. I'm happy with him, I love him. I'm content. Then I hear this stuff and I start to freak out. I start fights and get moody and poor Mr. M doesn't know why.

I refuse to pass this pressure on to Mr. M. This leads to a problem. I feel like I can't tell him about this. So I came home feeling full of angst and I couldn't tell Mr. M about it.

Mr. M is not just my boyfriend, he's my roommate, my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my rock, my stability, and my heart.

Frankly, I'm pissed. I'm sick of my family thinking that they can say this to me.

I'm talking in circles now.

I don't know what to do... I can't tell Mr. M.

Miss Pouty Pants

I've been trying to schedule some mini vacations in the past week or so. Mr. M got offered to do a bit of contract work in London for four days and they're flying him out for free AND paying him.

If being close to forty means that people pay you to do that kind of stuff, sign me up!

So, as soon as I heard the news, I started looking for airfare. No reason why I shouldn't join him on his little jaunt over the pond. Yes, I've been there before. Yes, it was just in October. Yes, I'll be on my own for most of each day since he'd be working. Yes, the tickets are ranging between $15,000 and selling your first born child.

and... NO... I'm not going. damnit.

Then I was looking at flights for Vegas because the
Wynn Casino is opening in the end of April and Mr. M had expressed an interest in going to see that spectacle that can only be offered by Las Vegas.

Nene was going to be coming with me since she's been having flirtatious emails with one of Mr.M's friend's from Vegas. Whom she met last time we were visiting. I found $435 airfare and hotel and I was pretty dang pleased with myself. Until I called Nene and she said she had decided to meet Mr. M's friend in San Diego the previous weekend instead, and couldn't take that much time off of work.

and ... NO.. I'm not going to Vegas either now. DAMNIT.

We were sitting on the porch, enjoying the 60 degree weather for the first time this year. Mr. M says, why do you always do this? Which is just asking for a fight. But, I didn't feel like fighting. So I lazily said, "do what?"

He goes on to explain that everytime a possible trip comes about, even a hint of one I've already booked 6 plane tickets within the hour. He says that he never gets a chance to invite me anywhere because I've already took the reigns. He also says, Vegas will NEVER NEVER NEVER be a place for us to go together and spend quality time.

I'm feeling like a hurt child at this moment. Everyone else in the WORLD gets to enjoy Vegas with their SO's and have nice dinners, see shows, drink wine, and watch the Bellagio fountains together at night. Why can't I!? (insert pouting lower lip at this juncture).

He explains that since he lived their for 8 years it isn't like a tourist place to him, it's like going home to visit his boys, his crew, his posse if you will. That when I come along he feels that tug to make me happy, so he changes his normal plans to suit one's that would please me.

I never asked him to do this. This is just what he does, and then I have to pay the price by not being invited the next time. I am VERY happy to sit in front of a slot machine, or BJ table or ANYTHING for that matter for hours by myself. I expressed this very thing.

To which he responds, yes dear, I know that you don't ask me to, but when you're their you Trump all other things. (insert allover warm feeling at the lovely compliment).

So, Mr. M is going to Vegas by himself to spend three days playing poker with his boys for 12 hour days/nights and eating Habib's Persian food. Nene is going to San Diego, meeting her boy at his companies condo on the beach and having wild passionate hair pullin sex. AND Mr. M is going across the pond to teach high priced executives how to play poker, while dining on Mediterranean food and fish and chips.

I, however... will be sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself.

(insert big fat pouty pants)

If You Left Me Tomorrow...

As we were driving back from Iowa and the Easter festivities today, we had a conversation that we've had before. It was about being dumped. My sister was talking with Mr. M about cheaters and cheating.

Mr. M stated that he has cheated on all of his girlfriends in his past except me and two others. Considering he's 39 and never been married, that's a LOT of cheating.

I asked him about one of his ex girlfriend's in particular... did you cheat on Aria?

He said, quite a bit actually.... I said did you cheat on KJ?

He said, yes, way too much.

I said, "did you tell these women you were cheating?"

He said... I told KJ about every single one.

I couldn't understand why any woman would take back a man after they continuously cheat on them. He tried to explain, saying that sometimes you cheat to sabatoge the relationship.... hoping that they'll leave you. In some weird way hoping it hurts them less if they do the leaving.
I said, "well if you ever cheat on me that's it, done deal"

He joked, "promise?"

I reminded him that although he may think those side comments are funny, I don't find them in any way humorous.

And this is where he said something that is different than other conversations...

He said, "if you left me tomorrow, I wouldn't be happy."

It might seem like a little thing to everyone else. But this is coming from the man who whenever the subject of parting ways comes up says, "eh... you'll live" or "you'll get over it" or "I"ll get over it" or "whatchagonnado".

so I'll take that statement that may seem like a crumb to everyone else, because to me... it's the entire cake.

Planes, Rental Cars, and Taxis

Sorry about the hiatus.

I went on my first ever official business trip.

Yes, I've traveled for business before, but always accompanied by a supervisor or boss of some sort.

This time, I did a whirlwind three day trip. Three cities, three rental cars, and two hotel rooms.

I used to dream of this lifestyle growing up. People would ask me what I wanted to be when I grow up and I'd say, "whatever it takes to travel and wear power suits".

I take it back... I take it back... I take it back.

Be careful what you wish for... bites me in the ass again.

Most Married People Do It More Than Us

We haven't had sex since last weekend and I got SNUBBED this weekend.

In the beginning we did what most new loves do, have sex three times a night go to work exhausted but glowing and not missing the sleep at all. It was exciting and we tried all kinds of positions and ways to pleasure each other. He used to LOVE when I'd climax even more than his own .

Slowly it dissapated. Naturally that happens, I know. But it's gotten unbearable.

I should mention that there is a significant age difference amongst us. I'm 25 he's 39. I refuse to let that be the reason.

I resigned myself to the idea that we'd have sex four times a month. Once every weekend. Not scheduled times or anything, it just seems to make the most sense for both of us. He usually goes in a bit late to work on Saturday or Sunday.

I need it. I'm young, vibrant, and sexual. I'm worried that we'll become "best friends" instead of lovers. Sex is a vital part of the relationship I want to have. I've expressed my unhappiness in this area of our relationship.

His response is usually "I'm not NOT having sex with you on purpose, I just don't think of it".

When I remind him that it's getting to be a bit of a drought in the sex area. He complains that he can't have sex on command and it seems false and impersonal.

So, we're at an impass. How do I explain to him that this is one of my needs without seeming too pushy. I know he doesn't like the feeling of doing something purely because I asked him to do it. I can understand that it feels like you're going through the motions like you're being directed to enjoy it.

I'm pretty sure most married people do it more than us.

I (Heart) Outlook

And do you know whyyyyy I love outlook??

Because of that nifty little archive folder on the left side.

Yup, just saved my ass.

One of my sites just called all pissed about being thrown out of the program. I told them that they didn't have to get any of that specific ethnicity - and didn't you get all the emails I sent earlier???

NO.. we never got any of THOSE emails.

Oh ya didn't did ya...

well. let me just check then. Looks like right here is one sent on March 8th!

So, take THAT!

Dear Emily

Dear Emily,
I miss you.

Do you ever think we'll be friends again?

Have you had babies yet, like you always wanted?

Are they as beautiful as you?

How's married life, is it everything you'd hoped it would be when were little?

Do you miss me too?

Love, me

The Islands Are Calling

I decided the other day that Mr. M and I need a vacation. Maybe it was because I read
everydaystranger's vacation stories in Hawaii.

I feel the need to define vacation in this context. A vacation to me would be at least 5 days preferably 10 in a place where we didn't know anyone and nobody knew us. Where we didn't have to meet so-and-so for lunch or dinner. Where we didn't have to wear our watches or have our cell phones on. Where we wouldn't take our laptops.

The reason I need to define this is because Mr. M has a habit of thinking a "vacation" is when you go to a place you used to live and see family and friends. Granted, I have nothing against this sort of outing and the places he used to live ARE normal vacation spots AND I enjoy being with Mr. M's family and friends. BUT... I feel the need for relaxation and the outings that Mr. M goes on are NOT relaxing. Constantly synchronizing watches, planning meeting times, picking dinner places that everyone can find something to eat at.

I have decided where we need to go...

CYPRUS!

I've been reading about it all day... it's amazing. Once I get on a path, good luck distracting me. I've decided we should go in September of next year because Mr. M's job will be cooling down after the summer busy season and I'll have enough PTO saved up.

The cost, is a bit of an issue, but if I saved for 6 months! I'd have it no problem. Well, technically I have it now... but you get the point. I'm finding that flight/hotel is around $1500-$2000 per person. Unfortunately the sites that specialize in the Mediterranean vacations seem a bit sketchy and Northwest Airlines suck a big fatty when it comes to booking international flights.

So... my dreams are in place, now just making them happen will be the tough part.

Oh.. and convincing Mr. M - now THAT will really be the tough part.

Smoke One For The Kids

Last night I volunteered for Mr. M's big fundraiser of the year that he and his cigar buddies put on. It was for the Make A Wish Foundation.

Don't you think it's a bit ironic that they are actioning off cigars and smoking like fiends for the Make A Wish Foundation?? I did.

So, this year I decided to donate my time for the cause.

I was a bit concerned because it is held at Mr. M's place of employement (which is where I used to work). I dealt cards and he was the boss. Sooooo this makes for a bit of anxiety when I go back. Most of the people who work there still don't know exactly what happened to me. So when they see me ... they do a double take then they say.. "OH MY GOOOD.. where have you been". Some people haven't even noticed that I don't work there anymore.

The other source of anxiety is that Mr. M's ex works there. If it would have been an event during the day I wouldn't have seen her. But since she works swing shift the chances of me running into her were high.

I did see her. Walked past her about a zillion times when I was running around trying to get set up for the event to start. I think it is so weird how I build up the ex in my mind but to other people, she's nothin hot. I suppose that's my insecurity.

It ended up being not nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be. I baked a TON of cookies and they were a hit. The ex didn't ever make an appearance.

I think they raised 15K.

Psst.. Tone It Down A Couple Notches

I don't know why these people exist in the world. Most likely it's because I'm doing penance for something in a past life.

When this woman calls my work phone and I see her area code pop up on my ID... I think of a million reasons to not answer. But, my work ethic gets the best of me and I pick up.

Loud Lady: SUZANNE! THIS IS LL IN CHICAGO

Me: yes what can I help you with

LL: YOU SAID THAT MY TALLY SHEET WAS WRONG BUT IT ISN'T BECAUSE I ENTERED IT THIS MORNING AND IT WAS RIGHT THEN.

Me: ok, I'll note that in ...

LL (Interrupts): I ENTERED IT THIS MORNING WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY YOU THINK ITS WRONG AND I AAAALWAYS ENTER IT VEEERY EARLY IN THE MORNING DEEEAAR!

Me: yes, I understand what happened, thanks for...

LL: DEAR, YOU KNOW I CHECKED THE QUOTA PAGE SO I KNOW IT'S RIGHT!!!

Me: yup, thanks, gotta go, bye!

Now every morning she sends me an email in all caps stating WHEN she entered her web tally and HOW many completes she has.

If she calls me DEAR one more time. I might flip out.

end rant.

There Are Strangers Amongst Us

This morning I was sitting down to breakfast with my mother (who's visiting) and Mr. M.

I took my hand and brushed my fingers through my messed up morning hair. As I put my fingers in my hair and brushed it out of my face Mr. M's eyes got REALLY huge. I said, "WHAT?!?"

He said, you have a gray hair!

I screamed... NO NO NO I'm only 25!!! Then I ran aroung screaming, GET IT OUT GET IT OUT!!!!

Mom pulled it out. I ran to the mirror in the bathroom, turns out I have three more. How the HELL did this happen! I'm only 25! Mr. M also told me to not pull out anymore, cause as you know it's a proven fact that if you pull one out, two grow in its place.

So... all of you twenty something women out there.... beware... there are strangers amongst us... or should I say.. amongst your beautiful tresses.

ugh.

Mawwage... Who Gives A Shit

Everytime anybody talks about Marriage I hear the priest from the Princess Bride in my head saying, "Mawwage is vhat bwings us togevaaah today".

Maybe I"m getting more pessimistic or more bitter, but when the conversation turns to marriage or children... I have these physical reaction, "WHO GIVES A SHIT". I'm done caring, I'm done planning. I'm done being the little girl with the towel on her head dreaming of her wedding day.

I'm just sick to death of it. I don't CARE!!! Every damn TV show or commercial is about love, romance, wedding, family, children... what about the rest of the population?!?! These marketing departments need to call up my company and do some market research. Maybe they'll find out that there is an entire untapped market of 25-35 year old women that are sick and tired of hearing about how they need to keep up, hurry up, don't get left behind, be marrying material, find the right guy, buy the right house, get the big rock, have the right children, ... FUCK... Knock it off already... I'd like to just enjoy please..

end rant.

BUSY

I'm busy.. busy busy... work is waaaay busy.

I've decided that journaling/blogging makes me crazy. Makes me too into my own head and then I make up crazy things to get worked up about. I get so that I'm thinking all day long about situations I will write about. Which I think almost creates situations TO right about.

I don't want to be crazy, I don't want to doubt my relationship, I don't want to obsess on nit picky things in my life. Blogging/journaling causes me to do this. I'll have to establish some boundries I suppose.

As a recap for the vegas vacation... it was a lot of fun had by all. Mr. M lost 400 which is a drop in the bucket compared to the 1K I lost. eeeew.

more to come.

busy busy