Wednesday, March 30, 2005

"P" is for Pressure

My father has lived on a pedestal in my life always.

I care what he says...

I care so much that it affects me physically.

Tonight me and Nene had dinner with Dad. We got to talking about relationships etc. as we usually do. Dad seemed a little edgier than usual. He's a counselor by trade so he's usually quiet takes all you have to say in and then asks you questions in response.

Tonight was different. I don't know how we got on the subject but he just blurts out, "I'm getting irritated with Mr. M"

I felt like their was an ice cube in my stomach. I said, irritated about what?

His body language started to look like he did the handful of times he got angry when we were growing up.

He said, "It's TIME"

what? time for what?

He said, "All I'm going to say is it's TIME"

Then he went on... saying that he's not getting any younger, that Mr. M is not getting any younger. That it's time for Mr. M to propose.

Exccuuuuse me, but WTF!

I started shaking but I think I hid it from both Dad and Nene pretty well.

This is the culmination of pressure I've been getting from my family about this. I've heard it from Grandma, Grandpa, Mom, Step-Dad, and now Dad.

What do they expect me to do? It isn't MY choice that it's happening this way. I'm happy with him, I love him. I'm content. Then I hear this stuff and I start to freak out. I start fights and get moody and poor Mr. M doesn't know why.

I refuse to pass this pressure on to Mr. M. This leads to a problem. I feel like I can't tell him about this. So I came home feeling full of angst and I couldn't tell Mr. M about it.

Mr. M is not just my boyfriend, he's my roommate, my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my rock, my stability, and my heart.

Frankly, I'm pissed. I'm sick of my family thinking that they can say this to me.

I'm talking in circles now.

I don't know what to do... I can't tell Mr. M.

1 Comments:

At 10:45 PM, Blogger Elizabeth Blair York said...

Suzanne,

Why can't you tell Mr. M?

I mean, I'm not exactly a rock star when it comes to relationships, but why can't you say to Mr. M that your family is pressuring you to make a decision about your relationship and I can tell them to go to hell as long as I feel secure in what we agree is our future?

Why not discuss your long-term vision with him, and ask what his is? He's your best friend, the guy who sees you naked regularly, right? So it's ok to trust him with your naked soul?

Just thinking aloud :) But don't keep secrets from him, OK? That much, I unfortunately have learned the hard way.

 

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