Silver Lining

First can I just say... that I've never felt totally 'supported' by the people who read my blog. I mean, no one has ever taken much of an interest in my little corner here. I have a few readers that I just love, and I read them too, and that has always been good enough for me.

until now.

The words that you have all offered mean so much to me. To here there are more of you out there who's milk didn't come in, had difficulty breastfeeding, didn't get any sleep, and have struggled my struggle - its' priceless really. Knowing I'm not alone and that I'm not the first to experience this helps exponentially.

Last week after my melt down - we drove down to Iowa to visit the family. We almost didn't go because I was so tired. Plus, I got in a fight with Mr. M because the day I had my melt down he came home that night and started walking to the bedroom at 10:00 as I was yet again feeding Lillybean saying he was 'so tired'. Anger bubbled out of me and I told him that I hated him so much at that moment. He got pissed, I got pissed, and the last thing I was standing on (my marriage) showed a small hairline fracture.

So we got in the car - angry and exhausted and drove 3 hours.

I handed the baby over to her loving grandparents, auntie, uncles, and cousins - and we got some sleep. They brought her in when she needed to breastfeed, and they took her back when she was done. I didn't burp, I didn't put her back to bed... I just breastfed and she went back. We got three 4 hour chunks of sleep - it was glorious. It was also the first time I have come back from one of my family's gatherings feeling better and more rested than when I left.

Today was my dear girl's one month check-up and naturally she's thriving. She has gained a whopping 1 1/2 lbs since her 1 week appointment. She's in the 75th percentile and looks deliciously chubby. Every morning she snuggles in bed with me as we do our last feeding at 8am and sleeps next to me for about 2 hours. If I didn't have this part of my day I don't think I'd make it to the next.

See how chubby she is:


We take her to a family practice doctor instead of a pediatrician - we really like the Doc a lot. She's calm and sweet and cares for our family as a whole. One thing that didn't sit so right with me though is that today she asked me how I was doing - as she did last time too. I told her I was desperate for sleep and that I hit my wall last week. She said,"if you need medication don't be afraid to ask - there are a lot of medications out there that can help. "

Um..... WTF?

I'm a sleep deprived new mom who's struggling with breastfeeding and she wants to offer me an anti-depressant right off the get go?!? I realize I have a history of depression and that this is something doctors should be on the look out for. HOWEVER, I don't like doctors just throwing out anti-depressants like candy - like it's the first option and not the last.

I may look back on this and see that I SHOULD have been medicated or I may look back and decide to change doctors. We'll see - only time will tell.

Melt Down - Take 137

Yesterday, I dropped my basket.

I called everybody I could in my moment of weakness. Em wanted me to get in the car and drive her over to her house and leave her there till the morning so I could get 8 hours of un-interrupted sleep. Maybe it's sleep deprivation or maybe its irrational but I just can't do that. I can't leave my 3 1/2 week old baby at someones house overnight. Although the sleep would be lovely , I just can't leave my baby girl.

I was basically at my whits end yesterday.

I need sleep - on the most basic level... just sleep.

Walking Dead

So many things to say - so little time... in fact... there is no telling how far I'll get before the baracuda latches on to my extremely sore nipples again. So let's summarize:

Sleeping:
I haven't slept for more than 2 hours at one time for three weeks. This is the most insanely difficult time of my entire life. I'm thankful that I was able to sleep all through my pregnancy, although it didn't help much past the delivery. Bursting into tears for lack of sleep and full on exhaustion is not a rarity around here. People keep coming over for visits and friends think they are 'helping' by stopping by during the day. None of this helps. The only thing that could help me right now is if someone could figure out how to make my child sleep longer than 2 hours OR if someone slept over and took a few feeding shifts. She generally goes to bed at 10 and wakes to eat at: 1, 3, 5, and 7. We've tried keeping her awake during the day, playing loud music, lights on, etc. We've tried spiking the pumped breast milk with a scoop of formula. Nothing works. I suck at this.

Breastfeeding:
Is still very hard. Sometimes I feel like she's sucking and sucking and getting nothing from me. My nipples are sore, cracked, and scabbing (sorry- but I'm not one to sugar coat). We supplement with formula when we need to or in the middle of the night if I need to sleep. I pump when I can - but usually I'm too tired. I'm taking fenugreek - which is a herbal remedy said to increase milk production. I drink water by the buckets trying to will my milk to come in more. At this point my goal is two months - if it's still this hard, I'll start weaning. Please don't judge, it's very hard for me, I want this to work but the breast reduction has squelched those dreams.

My Husband:
I miss my husband and he sleeps next to me everynight. Ok - let me rephrase. I sometimes lay my head next to him for a few hours during the night. I miss snuggling, out to dinner, going to movies, and talking to him. We're both too exhausted to any of this. I know it's temporary, but I just miss it...

Returning to work:
At this point - returning to work sounds lovely, but only if I'm sleeping. The week before I went on maternity leave I bid several large scale projects and it turns out - we sold all of them. Several of them are large scale international studies which we haven't been able to get into with our client till now. Usually the international work goes to one of our competitors. This is awesome on so many levels. It's also a bit scary -because I'm a mom now, that means international travel is really not the smartest move for me. It's not practical and it would kill me to be away from my lillybean for any amount of time.

Ok - thats it - I must sleep since she's sleeping, even though its 2 in the afternoon, I'll take it when I can get it.

We're Ok

We're all accounted for here - family and friends are safe. It's unbelieveable really, I have taken that bridge 100's and 100's of times in my life. My co-worker was on the bridge, she's ok, she's shaken, but she's safe. She fell 50 feet in her car and then climbed out of her car and scaled the side of the bridge to safety.


There really are no words I can offer to those that have lost loved ones or waiting for rescue workers to recover the bodies of friends or family. All I can do is hold my baby tight, kiss my husband, and silently pray.