Silver Lining

First can I just say... that I've never felt totally 'supported' by the people who read my blog. I mean, no one has ever taken much of an interest in my little corner here. I have a few readers that I just love, and I read them too, and that has always been good enough for me.

until now.

The words that you have all offered mean so much to me. To here there are more of you out there who's milk didn't come in, had difficulty breastfeeding, didn't get any sleep, and have struggled my struggle - its' priceless really. Knowing I'm not alone and that I'm not the first to experience this helps exponentially.

Last week after my melt down - we drove down to Iowa to visit the family. We almost didn't go because I was so tired. Plus, I got in a fight with Mr. M because the day I had my melt down he came home that night and started walking to the bedroom at 10:00 as I was yet again feeding Lillybean saying he was 'so tired'. Anger bubbled out of me and I told him that I hated him so much at that moment. He got pissed, I got pissed, and the last thing I was standing on (my marriage) showed a small hairline fracture.

So we got in the car - angry and exhausted and drove 3 hours.

I handed the baby over to her loving grandparents, auntie, uncles, and cousins - and we got some sleep. They brought her in when she needed to breastfeed, and they took her back when she was done. I didn't burp, I didn't put her back to bed... I just breastfed and she went back. We got three 4 hour chunks of sleep - it was glorious. It was also the first time I have come back from one of my family's gatherings feeling better and more rested than when I left.

Today was my dear girl's one month check-up and naturally she's thriving. She has gained a whopping 1 1/2 lbs since her 1 week appointment. She's in the 75th percentile and looks deliciously chubby. Every morning she snuggles in bed with me as we do our last feeding at 8am and sleeps next to me for about 2 hours. If I didn't have this part of my day I don't think I'd make it to the next.

See how chubby she is:


We take her to a family practice doctor instead of a pediatrician - we really like the Doc a lot. She's calm and sweet and cares for our family as a whole. One thing that didn't sit so right with me though is that today she asked me how I was doing - as she did last time too. I told her I was desperate for sleep and that I hit my wall last week. She said,"if you need medication don't be afraid to ask - there are a lot of medications out there that can help. "

Um..... WTF?

I'm a sleep deprived new mom who's struggling with breastfeeding and she wants to offer me an anti-depressant right off the get go?!? I realize I have a history of depression and that this is something doctors should be on the look out for. HOWEVER, I don't like doctors just throwing out anti-depressants like candy - like it's the first option and not the last.

I may look back on this and see that I SHOULD have been medicated or I may look back and decide to change doctors. We'll see - only time will tell.