Vultures and Zen
I understand this is an exciting time for all of my family and friends. It’s an exciting time for us as well. We are about to have a major life change – welcome a child into our home, be parents! That’s huge! I get it.
That doesn’t mean that it is anyway about YOU. It is SO NOT ABOUT YOU. It’s not about you Mom, Grandma, Grandpa, friends, family. It’s just not. Your comfort or feelings will not be considered during the next weeks – and I’m sorry if that pains you. I hope you can overcome and rise above and do what you need to do to make yourselves feel special. Because really, right now… it’s about me, and then very shortly, it’s not about me at all, it’s about her. It’s about this little girl – who I believe will knock my socks off and I will do anything in my power to protect and love.
The cervical check I experienced this week at my midwife appt (on Wed) was the most painful thing I have felt this far in pregnancy. Well, other than the first three trimesters of wretching over a toilet for 3+ times a day – that still holds the title for most suckage possible.
The last two cervical checks before this one were like kitten kisses in comparison. I was crawling off the table – and Mr.M looked at me worriedly “you’re turning red!” My dear daughter is so incredibly low in my pelvis and my cervix is so incredibly high that the two in combination are painful as hell when fingers are trying to wriggle their way up there.
Of course the midwife stopped immediately and said, “doesn’t matter anyway, why be in pain for a silly check.” I agreed wholeheartedly as it gives me little to no clue when she’s coming anyway. She didn’t act concerned about the high cervix – and no matter how much I tried to pull it out of her if that would affect the length or pain of my labor she said, no big deal. She offered some solace in saying what she could feel was very smooth and that I was probably close to thinned out completely. Maybe that’s why it hurt more than the others? I have no idea.
This morning I experienced the first bout of explosive diarrhea I have been warned about. Its ok with me if that’s the way my body is trying to clean out to get ready for battle. I just hope battle is this weekend and not weeks from now. My due date remains set for tomorrow, no predictions have been made by the midwives. Interestingly enough I was watching a birth show on TV last night and the midwife said “no good midwife or doctor would ever tell a pregnant woman when the baby is coming – they just can’t know.” My midwives must be excellent in that case – because they never make a guess, they just say “could be any day! Or next week! Or today!”
I have achieved a zen like state when it comes to my baby girl’s arrival. I get up, I take a shower, drive to work, work all day, and come home. I walk, I swim, I sometimes lay on the couch! Then I repeat. I make no plans, no promises, and no apologies to anyone right now. I’m not afraid, I’m powerful, I’m strong, and I’m ready.