Numb

I drove to work today and all I could feel was numb.

I hate it when this happens to me. It's as if a little part of me is sick of fighting the good fight (or the bad fight for that matter). The bigger question should be, why do I look at life as a fight? Ever day I clean the house, do the laundry, get ready for work, show up at work on time, take the allotted lunch break, stay at work until the required time, drive home in traffic, make dinner, and repeat. This seems so monotonous and all I can say is - why?

Is this it? Is this really as good as it gets?

Whenever I feel like this it reminds me of the scene in the movie "As Good As It Gets" with Jack Nickolson when he's freaking out and runs into his therapist office and screams "HELP!" and eventually calms down after being told that, no the therapist couldn't see him right now. Then as he's leaving, looking defeated he turns to the entire waiting room and says, "what if this is as good as it gets?"

He's right. What if we are wrong about heaven and hell occurring after death. Maybe we're in hell now and we get to go to heaven after we've lived here for a while.

I know it seems like I'm depressed, but I'm really not. I just want more from life. I've got a fire in me that I've always had. I need to travel the world and smell the ocean. I need to feel alive and that I'm spending my life doing something that is important - like making babies and being with family/loved ones. THAT'S what it's about. Not this other bullshit we've decided is important in our society.

I want to grow something, make something, knit something, bake something. I want to get my hands dirty and sweat. I want to go to sleep at night feeling as if I've accomplished something real during that day.

I abosolutely will not accept that I'm the only one who feels like this and yearns for these things. You're out there - I know you are. Don't you want to do this too?