Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Mixed Emotions

Ok so blogger doesn't support trackback... so I can't do what I wanted to do, which was link to an old post I had written about Emily so everyone had some background. It was posted July 28th if you're curious. FIDDLESTICKS I tell you fiddlesticks.

UPDATE - - here is a link to the previous post.

Thank you you rule!

On the way home from work yesterday I had the urge to call my friend Jessie whom I haven't spoken to in a year. Jessie is this kind hearted soul who's father died while she was a freshman in college and she got married last year at the age of 22. She's always been wise beyond her years, patient, and loving of all people. I guess that's why she became a nurse for terminal ill elderly people. If I were dying I would want Jessie to care for me, she has a way of maintaining one's dignity.

So I called her because I had this overwhelming feeling that she was pregnant. I don't know why. I left her a message stating just that, "Hi it's me, haven't talked to you in forever but I had an instinct that you were pregnant, call me back and tell me if I win a prize."

She called back ten minutes later screaming that if I just jinxed her and she is now pregnant that I am sooooo dead. hehehe.

We talked for a good half hour, catching up on our lives and such. Jessie has stayed in contact with Emily my ex-bestfriend and only soulmate I've known (pre-Mr.M). Emily and I have had one rough ride as friends. We currently aren't speaking due to the fact that she got married, didn't invite me and then got pregnant and didn't tell me. We haven't spoken for 2 years.

So towards the end of our conversation I casually said, "so how's Emily, still pregnant?" To which Jessie responded, "Oh he's doing great".


That's right people. She had her baby last week. That impulse to call due to pregnancy wasn't about Jessie, it was about Emily. She had Clayton last week via emergency C-Section. Apparently my dear old friend pushed and pushed and the boy just wouldn't budge. I bet she was so scared. The boy weighed 9 pounds and some change.

I'm angry I'm overjoyed I'm saddened I'm tingly I'm on the verge of tears writing this

So when am I going to let go and close the book. I always think I have done it and then I hear more news and it brings it all back.

I apologized to Jessie for always putting her in the middle of us. I told her I was sorry for bringing it up and that it wasn't fair to her.

At that moment my sweet little friend said some important words to me.

"Thanks for making the first call Suzanne. That's a thing that a lot of people can't do and I want you to know I recognize it, it's not your fault."

I wanted to burst into tears. I thought all my efforts were only acknowledged by Mr.M and myself. I thought that the letters I sent, the emails I wrote, and the calls I made to reconnect were either never read or discarded. That one statement from Jessie made me realize that my extended palm branches were received, they were discussed, and they were real.

So why do I still feel so sad?


At 9:46 AM, Blogger cursingmama said...

I would guess, not knowing anything about this situation at all, that you're sad because you're mourning the death of the friendship; much like I still cry when I think of my dad who died 28 years ago. I don't think you ever totally heal from a profound loss, and thats what losing a best friend is.

You can direct link to your post from July by clicking on the post time - it will bring up the post on its own page...

At 8:15 PM, Blogger Sylvana said...

You can make a direct link while you are typing the post by using a special code
<> filled with A HREF="yourlinkhere"
then type the word that you want to represent the link, like say GO HERE. Then you close the whole thing of with another <> filled with /A

OR while you are typing the post, you can chose the words that you want to represent the link and click the little chain-link icon in the tool bar below the title. Put your link in the box that pops up and click OK. You should now see a line under the words that you chose.

OR, you can turn on your link line (control located in the settings area) in your posting box and just put your link in there. Then people can click your post title to go directly to the link.

Now enough with the nerdy stuff and on to your post. I know exactly what you are going through. My best friend for over 24 years got married two years ago and never invited me. That wouldn't have been so bad if it had been a small, quicky wedding like her first. But her mom said, "EVERYONE was there. It was just beautiful. You should have been there."
She's right. I should have. Hard to be there when you're not invited.
I didn't talk to my friend for over a year.
One day, I just decided that it was not very productive to hold grudges without talking it over with the person to get to the bottom of what was going on. I called her up, we talked it over, and we have resolved most, if not all, of our differences.
I did the same thing with several of my other friends that have been doing really horrible things too. So far it has been working out rather well. I am now adopting it as a permanent policy of mine.

It sounds like you have already made that effort with this friend. She may come around. I had another friend that didn't talk to me for three years and would not acknowledge me when I tried to contact her. Then one day, out of the blue, she called and we have been friends again for the last two years.

Good luck and hang in there.


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