Thursday, August 25, 2005

Why Must I Yearn

I don't think I'm a normal 25 year old woman.

I mean... aren't most 25 year olds living it up, going to bars every weekend, partying with their girlfriends, living with roommates in apartments, etc etc???

That is what my 22 year old sister is doing and that is what my 27 year old brother is doing. So what's up with me?

I'm remodeling a kitchen that belongs to my live in boyfriend. I do our laundry and think about what's for dinner around 2:00. I don't go out out on weekends and have all but quit drinking completely. I bake cakes and take cake decorating classes, I like soft music that calms my soul, I like bubble baths with candles and reading, I like sensible flat shoes and have given up on killer heels except for special sexy occasions, I sing in the alumni choir at my college, and I feed our cat whom is much more like our child.

So what's my point.

My point is that I spend all day reading blogs about mom's to be, bride's to be, cooks and chefs. I read blogs about people who are nothing like me and yet I'm facinated.

I hate reading blogs about "I got so wasted last night that I..." or "this boy doesn't like me but I have a date with blahblahblah tomorrow night so....". I just don't feel connected to those people. I feel connected to mommy bloggers and soon to be married women. The major problem with this is that I am neither a mommy nor soon to be married.

I would like to stop wanting this if I could please God.
Can't I just be in my house and love my man and not worry about the "when will he" "when will we" "what if he never" "what if he's too old" "what if we run out of time" crap???

Last night we were watchin TV and he blurts out, "aaaah fuck it lets get married."


and again, "aaaaah fuck it lets have a kid."

silence again

Now what the hell am I supposed to say or do when he does this? My immediate thought is he must be thinking about marriage and children and for some reason is blurting out his answers without telling me what the argument is in his brain.

I don't want to yearn for other peoples lives because if there is one thing I've learned in my 25 years on this planet it is that things happen at the right time. Sometimes things happen and it seems so utterly awful at the time but a year or more later you're thinking "thank GOD.."

So, do I get myself some patience? Or do I acknowledge that my ovaries are tuggin on my heart strings reminding me that I'm of birthing age and find myself a man who wants to marry me and give me children.

Who the F*CK just said that... certainly not feminista ME!?!


At 8:28 PM, Blogger Rhonda said...

I love your blog! I also felt I wasn't normal at 25 (and still at 28)...I can definitely identify with just wanting to be content for a while.

At 7:11 AM, Blogger cursingmama said...

You've simply grown up, and that's why the "I got trashed" stories hold no appeal. Some people grow up before others, some people never grow up; it has nothing to do with getting married and having children, really. I did notice that you posted at 3AM - which makes me wonder, did the storms this morning wake you up or were you up all night thinking about this?

At 8:53 AM, Blogger Suzanne said...

Hey CM.
no... not the storms. My date and time thingy doesn't seem to ever be right. I actually posted at my bed time, 10:00pm. ANOTHER reason I'm not like the other 25 year olds.

At 9:17 AM, Blogger Mary said...

I love your blunt and honest posts! Going out and getting wasted isn't all it is cracked up to be. I think your life is pretty cool! Is anyone really normal? I keep trying a little bit of everything before mommyhood!

At 11:29 AM, Blogger Suzanne said...

Hey Mary,
thanks for stopping by! I guess the only way I know how to be is blunt. Many times it has gotten me in trouble.

I see you're a cheese-head... I'm not into football all that much but from the looks of your blog you are. You're welcome to bash the Vikings whenever you like around me. I don't know anything about them.

At 1:08 PM, Blogger nyerhere said...

Your blog is great for the exact reason that it is so unlike those other ones you mention. I just stumbled across it and am just starying one up myself. I am a profesional, white, 32/m in New York City. I'd love to get to know you better. I sense kindred spirits.


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