Saturday, August 13, 2005

Hello Pinot Will You Marry Me

Hello Pinot... my new friend. I like your buddy Shiraz and Cab. a bit better, but you will do for this evening. Thank You for joining me.

After my brief visit to Vegas to visit my love, thoughts of marriage have been on the forefront of my brain. This happens pretty regularly when I visit Vegas, something about the atmosphere there makes you feel and breath romance. According to Mr. M if you go there alone... it makes you feel extremely lonely. It's as if Vegas hightens all feelings and seeks out all addictions. In the immortal words of my dear man, "if you have a leak, Vegas will find it and bleed you dry."

errr. Hey, Pinot... where were we? Oh yea.. marriage

I have a confession. Something my dear friend Pinot brings out in me... the whole confessional thing.

One day, I found Mr.M's email inbox open on our home desktop computer. Many times he has said (and I agree) that there are no secrets on that computer. If you save something, read something, type something etc etc on that computer it is free game. No secrets. Unfortunately, I should also exercise a level of respect for my partners privacy and on that particular day I did not.

I briefly scanned the email inbox for the names or subjects that jumped out at me. Various women from his past whom he still speaks to (and is very forthcoming about) or subjects that might suggest a topic that might be pertaining to me. I'm a bad bad girl.

The problem for this type of awful deception is that, what IF you find something?!?! If you find something hurtful, painful, unfaithful, or whatever... you have no way of validating your inexcusable snooping so the argument kind of cancels itself out.

Of course I didn't find anything hurtful or unfaithful on Mr. M's part. He's just not that kind of guy. Too honest for his own good. However what I did find was a lot of talk about marriage with his various female friends. The usual conversation was, "when are you gonna marry her?" his response was usually, "soon". To which they responded, "do it, and while you're at it make it a big giant ring will ya?!?"

So what do you do with that kind of information? Soon?!?! What does that mean? Prior to me reading these emails I thought marriage was the ultimate goal with Mr. M. What more could I ask for in a life partner. Understanding, loving, caring, full of integrity, honest, and intelligent. Adores the music that I hold so close to my heart, weeps at beautiful inspired musical strains, beams proudly at my achievments, makes me want to be the best human being I can be. Most importantly, we never get tired of talking to each other. About anything. Philosophy, religion, music, life, relationships. I read somewhere that the person you pick to marry should be one that has lovely conversational and communications skills. Because when all the sex and lust falls by the wayside that's what will hold you through in yoru golden years.

I read those emails about him saying, "soon", and kinda freaked a little bit. What if it DID ask me to marry him. Have I really weighed the implications of that in my brain? Have I really thought it out how my life would be affected by that one decision? I don't believe in the theory of promising to your friends, family, God, and husband that you will adore and love them forever and then saying, "oops, I want a divorce."

>sidenote... NO HATEMAIL PLEASE! I am a child of divorce, so I'm allowed to say that.

Last night, he called me before I went to bed (he's still in Vegas shooting the Tv show). I was lonely and scared in this big house without him. Also, without my friend Pinot to blur my fear of every creak and bump in the night. He said that he was outside of Bellagio waiting for the fountains to start. He'd already seen one and it was his least favorite song they played "proud to be an American"

>NO HATE MAIL PLEASE! It's a musical thing not a textual thing

I told him I hoped the next one was one of the ones he so enjoyed. I heard the music come up and asked him if he wanted to hang up so he could listen. He said, "NO, I called you so we could watch the fountains together!" I said I couldn't hear very well, what is it? He said, "it's Copeland, can you hear it?" I stopped talking and so did he. We listened to the music together, I could hear his breathing, inhaling and exhaling in slow contented breaths.

At this moment I realized. This man is my future. I just know. I want to wake up next to him for the rest of my life. I want to hear his voice and share a home. I want to parent children together. I want to love this man forever.


At 4:37 PM, Anonymous Prochein Amy said...

Wahhhh! Your making me cry... a good cry, though!!!!


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