Dreams Of Emily

I had another dream about Emily the other night.

I've stopped thinking about these as "signs". I used to think everytime I dreamed about her that must mean I was supposed to attempt to recontact. All through college I would pick up the phone or get on email and let her know that I had another dream to which she would always reply "OH MY GOD, SO DID I!"

Our dreams were always in tandom at least that's how it felt. No matter where we were or how long it had been since our last falling out we always connected because of these dreams. We used to refer to them as our telepathic signals. Especially when something was happening in one of our lives... our dreams would rage on with vivid detail until we picked up the phone.

I stopped picking up the phone and started burying the dreams.

After the last big wave of them when I was having vivid dreams of us in school buses getting into gory accidents I called a radio station "dream doctor". I don't necessarily believe that our dreams have meaning except that maybe you were thinking about that person in daily life and they appeared in your dreams just because. When I explained my dream he was matter o' fact about it. He said, and I'm paraphrasing, that when Emily and I were in school we had a solid, stable and safe relationship. We were eachothers rocks our soul mates. Then things outside of school got bad, messy, dirty, and unpleasant. We had huge fights (hence the accident in the dream) but we held on to our friendship from school that we thought would get us through (hence the school bus).

My thoughts are that she is gone to me. It's as if she died now. I haven't seen her in probably 2+ years and haven't spoken to her in over a year. Sometimes I feel like I mourn her as if my good friend had died, but I have no gravestone to visit.

The most recent dream I had she was pregnant (which I hear is true in real life). She was glowing and lovely. She was opening her arms to me as if we had never parted, never minced words, and never grown to despise eachothers lifestyles. I remember feeling her belly in her cute summer maternity dress that she wore and laughing about how I would call the new baby Zoe regardless of what she named her.

Emily is dead. She has to be. I can't stand these dreams anymore... make them go away please.