Monday, July 25, 2005

Linda Blair Has Nothing On Me

About 3 years ago I was told that I would need to get my wisdom teeth removed. I have a fear of needles that isn't exactly your standard fear of needles. It's more like... paralyzing, panicked, anxiety attack, pass-out kind of fear.

I'm not sure where this stems from. My most early memory of this sort of thing would be when I was scheduled to receive my pre-kindergarten shots. I believe the screams were heard miles away and suffering was had by all. It took 3 nurses to hold me down as I kept climbing up them... yes UP them... like they were jungle gyms.

Then next memory I have of needles involves dentistry. I was in 2nd grade (I think) and my baby teeth were refusing to budge to allow my new teeth in. I had 4 fangs in other words. The reason for this I believe is that I did not like ANY kind of pain and would refuse to wiggle my teeth when they became loose or needed to be pulled. So this resulted in the dentist having to pull all of my top four front teeth and my bottom four front teeth.

I thought this was ok... since they had a cool kids dentist area with the chairs that looked like horses on a merry go round. I thought it was fun. Until... the novocaine came. The needle went into my gums and I began to whimper, tears rolling down my cheeks. You know what happened next??? The Dentist slapped me.


He slapped me and said, "knock it off... no crying!"

I will never forget that moment for all of my life. No one could save me. I was in the merry go round horse hell of dentist land. My mother was in the waiting room and not even I could muster a scream loud enough for her to hear.

Jump forward to a year and a half ago when I decided to take the plunge and get my wisdoms pulled. I thought I had outsmarted my fear by requesting that I be "put under". Or given a general anesthetic.

Heart pounding I entered the Oral Surgeon's office that fateful day in March. Mr. M was holding my hand tight. The nurse came out and said it was time. I felt my eyes well up with tears and my face get hot red. My stomach was cold as ice. I requested with a shaky squeaky voice, "could my boyfriend come with me until I'm under?" To which the evil barbarian nurse said "NO". I pleaded with her for a few minutes assuring her that it would be to her benefit and the benefit of all the staff if this simple thing could occur. She scoffed and said, "you'll be fine".

Mr. M clutched my hand and gave it a little squeeze... saying, "you'll be ok honey.. .it's ok". Tears were now rolling down my cheeks as my shaking hands removed my watch, earrings, and ring.

Then they sat me in a small room, so I could watch the infomercial from hell. Telling me about all the risks of wisdom tooth removal. How I could permanently damage nerves and general anesthetic can kill you yada yada. Throughout the little film I attempted to regulate my breathing and think of happy things like my kitten and my handsome man.

Then they escorted me to the torture chamber... errr I mean the room in which the proceeeeeeedure would take place. I was given some nitrous oxide which seemed to make me not care about the IV, which was a plus. So far so good.



Yes, that's correct. They strapped my arms to the chair and my feet. The blindfold was put over my eyes and that is the last thing I remember. The way the nurses tell it, that's when the wrath of God was bestowed on them. I apparently began hyperventilating, writhing my head from side to side, swearing, screaming, crying etc etc.

They managed to get two teeth out without suffering from major injury. It was at that point that the hyperventilation began to freak them out. They went out to get Mr. M from the waiting room. They told him and I quote! "we need to stop the surgery as we feel that proceeding any further could cause your girlfriend to parish."

Parish? WTF?

He was shocked. Didn't these people understand that this was a wisdom teeth removal? When he entered the room to calm me down since none of them could manage it on their own (HELLO MOTHERFUCKERS!?! WHEN I SAY I NEED HIM I MEAN IT!)he witnessed the most true life re-enactment of the exorcist. He says I had blood streaming down my cheek and gauze hanging out with bloody teeth. I also had a bright red face and since my eyes are already strikingly blue they are usually magnified by redness. This was the case. I had glowing eyes and red everything else. I was also shouting profanities at the nurses and Dr.'s in the room. Telling them if they would have just LET me do it the way I KNEW would work then none of this would have happened. I believe I called them all cocksuckers and motherfuckers. Mr. M said he heard me say things that not even the dirtiest of sailor mouths would say.

Jump forward to this week. I have finally gotten up the courage to go for round 2 of the wisdom teeth removal. This time, no IV. Which is incredibly more terrifying to me as it means I will have to be AWAKE for needles administered into MY SKULL!

I called the office doing the work so as to create a sort of "plan of attack" with them.

Once again... nobody believes me.

Oh yea sure little girl... I'm sure you get upset with needles, nothing a little nitrous won't take care of.

My stomach is already doing flips just thinking about it. They have already told me Mr. M will not be allowed in the room. M*TH*RF*CK*RS!!! I have decided to listen to an IPOD with the earplugs jammed into my ear as far as they'll go. I have also decided to have some topical cream prior to the NEEDLE IN MY BRAIN! I'm sure I'll freak out... I'm already freaking out. Nobody understands me. Nobody will listen... and most of all... they don't understand that the wrath of God is coming.

Mr. M had an appointment today with this same office to get a tooth extracted. I asked the lady I spoke with today if he had warned them. She said, "for some reason he told us that you would be a legend"

That's right lady... You'll remember this day until the day you retire.


At 8:27 AM, Blogger cursingmama said...

Just my you didn't ask for it 2 cents - but I'd find a different office. I had problems with a pediatric dentist that wouldn't let me be with my son during a cleaning and that ended up being the one and only trip to their office. It took 3 assistants to hold him down for the x-rays and the cleaning was cut short, by me.
Hope it all works out.

At 11:23 AM, Blogger Suzanne said...

I'm wondering if it is maybe just a standard policy for adults. Because why would an adult need someone to accompany them ... oh yea... I know why... because I'm a big fat WUSS!


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