Thursday, September 22, 2005

Excuse Me While I Use The Bathroom

Yes, I haven't written since Monday or something - which isn't that long considering SOME people's blogs. However, I tend to write everyday.

Unless of course liquid is coming out of my ass.

That's right people, not to get entirely disgusting on you but it's true. Sunday evening I started having severe stomach pains right below my sternum.

No not to the right - no it's not appenticitis SHEESH!

So, I took the morning off on Monday just to re-group after my painful night of sleep. Got bored around 11:00am and went into work.

Not a smart thing to do. I didn't realize this until about 2:00 when the bathroom visits became more frequent. Like every 20 minutes.

So I whined a little bit about it and went home. More pain and suffering occurred throughout the evening. I woke up Tuesday morning with the same gut wrenching pain (literally).

Went to work again, swearing to myself that if it didn't get better by 2:00 I was going to the Dr. I called the Dr. at about 10:00AM when LIQUID started coming out of my ass to make an appt.

"I'm sorry ma'am but the first appointment we have is Oct. 5th."

"WHAT?!? I dont' care if I see a physician's assistant or Dr. or anybody! There is LIQUID coming out of my ass!!"

"Yes, ma'am I understand but the first appt is Oct 5th and that's with a physician's asst. If you want to see a Dr. you'd have to wait till the end of Oct."

"So, what do you recommend I do?"

"Well ma'am I can't really say, but I suppose you could go to urgent care."

Ok, so apparently in this world you have to be either dying (i.e. emergency room) or have something that can wait a few weeks before you see someone about it.

Being that I felt ridiculous going to urgent care I did nothing about the situation on Tuesday except bitch and moan to Mr. M. We decided at about 10:00pm that night to try some Pepto, which I was fine with because at this point I was willing to try anything.

I took a swig of the nastiness and went to bed hoping that it might at least, you know, ummm, firm things up down there.

Morning came and I had suffered with the same pains all night. They come in attacks like little bursts of joy... more like getting punched in the gut every 20 minutes or so. I peeled myself out of bed and went to take my shower.

Naturally I usually pee before getting in the shower. Except - you remember the LIQUID?? yea, it was black... BLACK I TELL YOU!

So I yelled for Mr. M. I asked him if he would mind taking a look. To which he responded,

"Oh PUHHHLLEEEEASE dont' make me, PUHLEEASE for all that is good and holy in the world don't make me."

So tried to explain it to him. He said that it could mean 1 of 2 things. Either there is blood in my tummy OR the pepto turned it black. He went down to the computer to research it and I jumped in the shower.

Turns out that yes Pepto turns it black. However it didn't do what it was supposed to do which was... ummm errrr firm it up. GAH!

I went into work and the CB (cool boss) and co-workers told me I absolutely had to go to the Dr. No more excuses. GET THEE TO URGENT CARE.

So I went. To urgent care. Not too long of a wait and the cute little nervous early 30's male Dr. tried to help as best he could. I got blood drawn and an ultrasound on my Gallbladder, Liver, and other smooshy stuff in there.

They couldn't find anything. My white blood cell count is excellent, my blood pressure is perfect, no gallstones to speak of. NOTHING. So they send me home with some anti-runs medicine and some ant-nausea medicine. They say to come back on Friday if it hasn't cleared up for more tests.

I go home. More pain and suffering. More liquid. More SUCKINESS.

So, dear internets... please tell me what the heck is going on in there.

and no... I'm not pregnant but thanks for asking.


At 5:07 PM, Anonymous Joby said...

I'd suggest three things...

1. A double dose of laxative to clean out your system

2. Potassium - either in pill form or bananas/grapefruit/grapefruit juice.

3. Don't eat for 12 - 24 hours. Drink water and eat lifesavers/tic tacs to stave off hunger.


Post a Comment

<< Home