4:47.... 48..... 49

Could this day GO any slower!

The only thing I could think to do to see me through the rest of the day was write a post. So I guess I'll just write what's in my stream of consciousness currently:

I go through these phases where I don't trust that Mr. M loves me. It's really pathetic and awful and insecure. So the more I yearn for him to show me or remind me of his undying love for me the more he gets annoyed and pulls away. Talk about a lot hang-ups, this guy has a boat load.

I've been unhappy with the house-cleaning arrangements for a long time, yesterday I voiced my concern. Which is this: why do I do all of it? and he does none of it? Yes, I know this is a usual complaint from women, but truly, he does NO house-work. Nothing.. unless you ask him. I don't want to have to ask him. I'm not his mother, he's a grown man, and that's just asking for resentment. He says to me, "if you don't want to clean, don't clean... but what happens when you eventually take away all the ways that you show me you love me?"

Excuse me, but WTF! The only way you know that I love you is when I wash your underwear?! Give me a fuckin break dude. That's the most awful circa 1950's thinking I've ever heard. I told him, that ain't me, never has been, never will be. I ain't yo' bitch. To which he scoffed.

I asked him what his ideal situation would be, he said, "my ideal situation is never have to even think about laundry, or cleaning... it's just done." I told him he better be extremely wealthy or have a stay at home wife. OR, have his mother move in with us. Wouldn't we ALL love that life? But it's not real. We have to clean, we have to do stuff we hate. It's the nature of life. DEAL WITH IT!

I asked him to at least notice when he doesn't have any clean socks left to maybe, I dunno, DO A LOAD OF LAUNDRY! To which he replied it's not in his nature to think that way. He'll never make that connection in his head. He's more likely to turn his socks inside out and keep wearing them than realize that he actually needs to do laundry for clean clothes to appear. He also said he's not trying to be rude or an asshole, but it's just the way his brain works. Frankly, I'm amazed and disgusted.

I told him I need help. That's all I'm asking for. Equality. Make dinner, pick up after yourself, fold some clothes, vacuum, throw away old mail. ANYTHING! Oh no, he said he'd take the laundry to the cleaners if I wanted him to do it. Makes me want to pull my hair out and scream. How can you be that fuckin lazy. To which he emphatically tells me, he's absolutely not lazy, he's just better at being the bread winner than the bread maker.

I'm gonna go burn my bra now. See if that gets his attention.

end rant.