OMG I FORGOT TO TELL YOU

I totally neglected to tell the internet about the crazy batshit jewelery lady who came to our house the other night.

Both of my best friends, Jess and Emy, got HUGELY discounted diamonds from the batshit lady. I got her number from Jess and she explicity told me not to waste this lady's time and to be very respectful of her. Um.... DUH... I work in corporate america it comes with the territory to do that kinda shit.

So I get ahold of the lady and ask her if she's still in the business. Of course she is! I send her some emails with pictures of rings that I like. She sends me this cryptic email:

YES<<< YES, dear suzanne, we will have many options for you to select from. Weds... at 5:45 pm... inside lobby of plymouth building<<< i WILL MEET YOU & mr. m at elevator, to ride upstairs with you ,,,
This will be a special appointment, and the rush of their day will be near past << Kathie cell in mpls xxx-xxx-xxxx <<< will you carry a check for deposit with you that day <<< Mr. M ?? I receive the lowest prices for 36 years because I pay this fine company PROMPTLY !! God Bless & See you then >> I will check this e -mail again Tues 3 :00 pm ,,,,,,,,,,Batshit Crazy Lady
all style of rings & all prices & qualities of diamonds scintilating, DANCING diamonds !!

Ok - so she can't type... or spell...or form sentences whatsoever. Still I thought I'd give it a shot... 2! people recommended her and they have beautiful rings.

She calls me at about 5:00 on Tuesday - the day before we're suppose to meet her. SHe wants to stop by the house that night at 7:30. I was a bit weirded out but whatever... come on over.

She shows up carrying about 6 plastic grocery bags full of SHIT! I come out to help her at her car to carry the loads of shit. I grab one for her and its filled with corn.

Yes... I said CORN.

She brought us some corn because she passed a stand on the way up from BFE where she lives.

SHe starts unloading her wares on my dining room table. Out comes piece after piece of giant, fake, gas station, gold jewelery. I said, "Did you get my email with the pictures of the rings I found?" Thinking that clearly she didn't look at that email.

She says, "yes, I did... how about this one?"

Again... a gigantic brass ring.

So I brought out the brochure of the Ritani ring that I loved. I said, "Something more like this. Small, thin band, platinum, with a square diamond."

She says, "Oh, I get it... this is the perfect ring for you!"

Again... 1980's mob-boss gigantic wipe off gold setting with ROUND inset fake diamonds.

Hmmm.... Obviously my approach was losing something in the translation. So I figured, oh well, we'll get to the warehouse tomorrow and at least get a princess cut stone in the 1 carat range and just go elsewhere for the setting. I knew she could get it for about 2K under the retail price because it was wholesale.

So I start to help her pack up her gum-ball machine jewelry.

Then she says, "What do you use to clean your floors?"

"Ummmm, I think Mr. Clean, why?"

"Because they have TOXINS... and they are going to KILL YOUR CAT!"

"Hmmmm, yes, I definitely use the Toxins... I love toxins."

"Well, I don't want your cat to die so have you ever heard of Melaleuca?"

Out comes the Melaleuca catalogue, she goes through each.page.one.by.one explaining each vitamin and lotion. Basically she's trying to sell me Amway. Worse, she then tried to sell me some shitty makeup. THEN she says we need to hurry up and make a purchase this week because, and I quote, she's "taking a trip down to Costa Rica next week to help out the missionaries, and teach those kids about JESUS."

By the end of it I was pissed. Don't come to my house with your costume jewelry and try to sell me shitty products.

So I called and cancelled for the warehouse the next day. I also called my friends and gave them the big WTF?!? Emy never actually met the lady and only dealt with her over the phone... which makes sense. Jess says, "oh yea, she's a little nutty."

A LITTLE NUTTY!

BATSHIT CRAZY is more like it.